To find my elderly relative’s attitude to money very wearing

[definitelybothered]

I help an elderly relative (late 80s) with various admin tasks, paying bills, ordering shopping, etc. It can be time consuming but she is virtually blind and can no longer do this herself.

But I find it really hard to bite my tongue as she is constantly complaining that she doesn’t have enough money, can’t afford to put the heating on in the winter and is one of those people who says young people today have more money than she ever did but they spend it all on holidays, coffee and concerts etc. She honestly believes it was harder financially in her day and young people today are just spoilt.

When I try and disagree with her she shouts me down. But what really irritates is she pleads poverty but it’s rubbish, she has an income of £4.5k every month (after tax) and barely spends a grand of it. She has an eye watering amount in savings too. Her latest grumble is she doesn’t think she should be in the higher tax band (she’s just been taxed 40% on something) but I said she must be based on the maths but she won’t listen.

Some old people love moaning. She’s probably bored.

There is poverty in every generation. And it is entirely awful.

So did I. But we aren’t talking about you or me here. This is about the old lady.

Not necessarily. My Dad was a bus driver for many years and had a final salary pension and State pension.
He used to say he'd never been so well off. It's a pity that all pensioners don't feel like that

This. ^ Every generation has/has had its challenges and woes - and advantages, and I get sick of the ageist crap some people spout.

Like 'kids/young people today don't know they're born, we had it so 'ard!' and 'young people are all lazy and unmotivated and could buy a house if they stopped buying avocados and pumpkin spice lattes.'

And on the other side of the coin 'people born before the early 1960s are all rich and grabby, bought their house for 13 pence in 1975, all have £100K a year from several gold-plated final salary pensions, are all racist, and none of them know ANYthing about any tech past 1991.

.

Exactly. The current young people will be far poorer in retirement, if they ever retire than the current generation of pensioners, even the less well off ones.

This particular pensioner sounds insufferable with her constant whingeing when she has multiple times the real salary of most working people in real terms. You have the patience of a saint @definitelybothered, especially as she isn't one of your parents. Sadly, there are quite a few older people who both play the professional victim and then also bitch about how easy young people have things. Just horrid but I guess they are miserable inside.

Also - In her younger days she wouldn't have shouted at you if you had a different view to hers, would she?.

It seems like her social skills have declined, her physical capabilities (eyesight) has declined and so it wouldn't be too surprising that her cognitive capabilities were also affected.

She’s right and she’s also wrong. She’s wrong that she’s not got money, she’s clearly at the wealthy end of the scale for pensioners.

Where she is right is that young adults/parents do have more money now,
than the comparable generation who are in their 80s would have done. Historically the cost of housing relative to salary made it more affordable to buy or rent, but that’s really the only place that younger people have it ‘harder’. What is actually happening is that younger people are spreading their money out more and have been brought up to be consumers. Things like streaming subscriptions, home broadband, buying new clothes and shoes rather than repairing, trips to restaurants being a weekly norm rather than just for a special occasion, buying takeaway coffees and lunches on a daily basis rather than it being a rarity to do something like buy pasty rather than to make a packed lunch, it now being normal to pay for kids to have their choices of hobbies whereas in the past it would have been girl guides/scouts at 50p a week whether they enjoyed it or not, games consoles, families having 2 cars when for convenience when they could find ways of functioning with 1, ordering takeaways to the house as a regular treat, taking the kids to the cinema/bowling regularly rather than as an annual birthday treat, getting nails and lashes done once a week whereas in the past many people only got a haircut when it was needed and no other beauty treatments.

Basic housing costs DO take up a much higher proportion of people’s incomes, however a lot of other goods are relatively now much cheaper (clothes).

I think what the elderly person is probably picking up on is that the younger generation don’t generally ‘go without’ anything, if they can’t afford it, they put it on a credit card or pay later scheme. Historically there wasn’t the money for luxuries and many things were occasional treats, but now luxuries are being classed as essential for many people and will be prioritised over saving for the future or getting a mortgage paid off quicker.

Exactly. Some people behave in a certain way, because people allow it to happen. The OP is just allowing her relative to behave this way and is letting her shout her down. So she won't stop. The OP needs to stop going to see her, and she needs to stop helping her.

/

Please dont tar us all with the same brush! 😀
I am a pensioner now with way way less income than this lady... I buy what I need ... just spent £500 of small savings on a brilliant lightweight rollator ... alternative was to moan about not being able to get out and about.
There is no way I would not use the heating in winter.
What is the point of her hanging on to her money? It will just go on care home fees eventually. Time to spend!!
OP should do the required tasks this relative needs help with and just ignore the prattle. Bite the tongue ... zip the lip ... paste on a smile!
Who knows OP, some of this dosh might come your way in the fullness of time! 🤣

I think that you inherit some of your partners pension and that will go up by the CPI. The rate of inflation.
Whether you are also entitled to an uplift due to the triple lock for a state pension as a widow, you may be and that is where you get your guarantee from. But it won’t be from the final salary pension.

“Oh dear Betty, never mind.”

Assuming she’s not mentally impaired then boundaries , dint want to discuss this please stop it I’ll leave , starts to rant you leave. Come back next time warn her then do it again. Shes a choice then , have your help or be alone. Shes doing it because she enjoys the dopamine hit it gives her, presumably she’s not got a lot going on and isn’t getting that hit from joyful things.

Having gone through the rounds with parents with dementia. I think your expectations are completely unrealistic. You need to have empathy with their position, and redirect or ignore their bad behaviour.

They literally cannot help their admttedly very annoying and socially unacceptable behaviour.

You understand a child who hasn't got fully developed social skills. I know it is more difficult to extend that empathy to an elderly person with eroded social skills (and I failed on that front many,many times) but it is the right thing to do.

Some of these comments! Such jealousy than an old person has a better income than they do and is ungrateful about it!

Just nod and smile. What does it matter what she thinks of young people or how they spend their money.

I wonder if relatives ask her for money. And she is worried she will run out of it.

I agree with this. My elderly relatives took up a huge amount of time. what started as a small task blows up to be much more. I get they are lonely and feeling that life has changed for them but I am going to sound like a heartless cow but I did it on my terms.

No moaning, stop making silly statements on an income of £4.5k per MONTH. What would they like as treats. Again and again I said they had loads of money. If they thought differently then show me..

As an aside public sector pensions need a good review. She must have also done some sort of senior work that has given her this amount of maybe her late husband did.

I don't believe for one minute that all 'elderly people' cannot help the way they behave. If they have dementia, yes of course they can't help it, but to suggest that everyone is the same is ludicrous.

Has the OP said this relative has dementia? I've not seen her say so. The OP should not be putting up with this behaviour from her relative. As I said though, as long as she is tolerating the behaviour, her relative has no reason to change it!

.

If your relative is blind she should apply for

Ftee TV lucence

Attendance allowance
This is not means tested

Free TV licence

Blue badge for parking

Sounds like she wouldn’t want to pay for it?

As a retired teacher who earned around £55k a year just before I retired, my occupational pension is around £15k a year, when I die my DH will get half of this. My DM was also a teacher and her pension was £900 a month by the time she died 4 years ago. Her DH received £450 a month widows pension. I would assume an income of £2500k a year in your relative’s case if their salaries equate to £40k in today’s terms.

Take a look at the Elderly Parents board & you will see that this attitude is very common among older people.

Even if dementia is not present, anxiety about money & the cost of living is a recurring theme. And lack of comprehension about their own financial independence.

Plus the exorbitant cost of care should it be needed in the future.

There's no arguing with that kind of stupid.

She has the equivalent of about £80k salary as income, no housing costs and only her to support.

How is someone earning £30k 'much richer than her' especially when their income is less than half hers, they have to pay the costs of going to work, rent/mortgage and possibly support DC? Of course she didn't earn £30k while working decades ago. Has she not heard of inflation? £30k now is likely worth the same as the £5k/10k/15k whatever she earned when she was working.

If she thinks anyone on £30k a year is much better off than her, have you told her how much her £4.5k a month amounts to in a year?