To find my elderly relative’s attitude to money very wearing

[definitelybothered]

I help an elderly relative (late 80s) with various admin tasks, paying bills, ordering shopping, etc. It can be time consuming but she is virtually blind and can no longer do this herself.

But I find it really hard to bite my tongue as she is constantly complaining that she doesn’t have enough money, can’t afford to put the heating on in the winter and is one of those people who says young people today have more money than she ever did but they spend it all on holidays, coffee and concerts etc. She honestly believes it was harder financially in her day and young people today are just spoilt.

When I try and disagree with her she shouts me down. But what really irritates is she pleads poverty but it’s rubbish, she has an income of £4.5k every month (after tax) and barely spends a grand of it. She has an eye watering amount in savings too. Her latest grumble is she doesn’t think she should be in the higher tax band (she’s just been taxed 40% on something) but I said she must be based on the maths but she won’t listen.

I dont think it is an age thing more that experience reinforces personality.

My DGMs were both born in early 1900s so experienced two world wars. One grew up in a tough ship building town the other grew up in genteel rural respectability.

Town DGM lived life to the full, spent what she had when she had it, so left nothing but had a great life. There had been times of real hardship especially between the wars but DGM had a happy-go-lucky personality.

Rural DGM was always trying to maintain respectability. There was money but also a fear that it wouldnt last. A very limited life, full of worry that it would all go wrong somewhere.

But you are talking about a generation above this woman, the generation who actually experienced the war(s) and therefore lived through a great deal of hardship. These people are long dead. This woman is in her 80s now.

It's almost like people are unaware that the 'we fought a war' generation are mostly long dead.

The second word war ended 80 years ago, therefore anyone old enough to have seen active service is close to or over 100 years old.

I do wish people wouldn’t use the last war to make excuses. It really isn’t applicable anymore

It throws a long shadow. The next generation brought up by those who experienced it definitely felt its influence.

Of course it matters. My grandmother is 87 and a world war child. She knew grating poverty and fear of bombs and has spent our whole lives telling us about it. There are plenty of other people here age still alive, still remembering, still telling their children and grandchildren about it. It's who they are. It won't be forgotten or "not applicable" until not only they but their children who were parented by people who grew up in war time/post war Britain are also dead. I only know the stories, it had no impact on me but my father was raised by a woman who wouldn't waste a grain of salt or indulge in anything for fear it would run out so the war affected him even though he was born 30 years after it ended.

But it had a massive impact on those growing up in that era, the exact oaps we are discussing here. I don't think anyone thinks this is referring to those who saw active service.

Parents influence their kids. It isn't a new thing tbh.

I find intolerance and the lack of understanding about the older generation by some on mn sad and depressing. Older people often worry about stuff younger folk find irrelevant, so what. Smile, nod and show some respect.

It’s almost as if people are unaware that war babies are still alive, that the war deeply impacted their childhood, and rationing went on until the 50s.

My mother put all leftover food in boxes in the fridge, to be reused in some way.
Nothing was wasted in our house.

Agreed it’s clueless and disrespectful.

It would be easy to tolerate the anxieties of an older woman, brought up during rationing, if that is what they were.

That is very far from the case here. We have a very well off woman moaning that she has to pay the appropriate tax rate for her income and being extremely intolerant and showing no understanding towards the younger generation. Understanding is not a one way street. I know a number of people in their 80s, family and friends and none of them behave like this woman at all.

How well do you actually know them because my mother and aunt are constantly worreting about money despite the fact they have plenty.

Old age and infirmity makes people anxious and they worry about many things that are not relevant.

I totally understand that old age and infirmity can make people more anxious. I work with many older people and, as I said, have elderly family members and have some friends who are far older than I am. Some of them can be anxious at times. They would never make comments such as this woman has repeatedly made because they are all decent people. Those comments are just nasty and unrelated to natural anxiety.

That's because everyone is different. I know some elderly people who get cross when food is moved around the aisles in Tesco so they can't find stuff, I know some oaps who travel extensively and couldn't care less where the beans are in Tesco.

The point is some people focus on some issues be it money, tax, the price of eggs and that may be all they talk about. It's fine, just listen and change the subject when appropriate. All basic social skills. Tolerance and understanding!

Exactly.

You claim to work with elderly people and haven’t worked out that they can get crotchety about anything? My father gets absolutely furious when people have not trimmed their hedges for example.

They can very easily get stuck in mentality from their younger years - it’s very common to have a better memory for the past than for the present.

It may be that while this lady is relatively well off now she wasn’t as a child and formative years. OP said she had an average public sector job that would now pay around 40k - that’s far from rolling in it. It sounds like hasn’t really got her head round the reality of her combined pension.

You missed the point I was making which was that my two DGMs had very different personalities. The one who had experienced real hardship was the happy one. The one who hadnt was the anxious one. Their personalities were what mattered.

It’s in their psyche to some extent and it definitely impacted on the next generation (mine) itms

I have a friend who is older than me - early 70’s - and she lives in a beautiful house with an outdoor pool all alone, has loads of money, husband passed 23 years ago, but is just the same. Always talking about money and what things cost, if we meet for lunch she always has one soft drink only and likes a meal deal, never buys a round, much wealthier than the rest of us but its relentless listening to her moan about paying for her mot on her small car etc. Also has a son who she spoils so much and his family. Does grate when the rest of us are slightly struggling in these difficult times !

You have completely missed the point. You can't expect tolerance when you are intolerant and unkind yourself. Tolerance works both ways.
This is a question of personality rather than age.

You shouldn't generalise. Your father sounds intolerant, as does this woman.
Your post is rather patronising towards the elderly. Fortunately, I do not patronise those elderly people that I work with.

I agree with you there about personality being the key here.
I assumed that your previous post was in relation to the post but it seems to have been more of a personal anecdote.

She obviously has plenty of money but she has a point on lifestyle- growing up my grandmother couldn’t afford to buy bread for the children’s tea until my grandfather brought his pay packet home, meat portions were tiny, mostly they ate veg he grew, eating out was non existent and fish and chips a luxury for birthdays, presents were simply things you needed mostly. No car, no telephone line either. People have lost perspective on what not having much money means, you certainly couldn’t afford to buy coffee out and as for holidays - the only way you went away was a work outing to the seaside or a holiday organised by a charity group or church as a kid, and that would be to the nearest coast. Watch the earlier episodes of call the midwife to see a portrayal of life in London as my mum remembers it.