To find my elderly relative’s attitude to money very wearing

[definitelybothered]

I help an elderly relative (late 80s) with various admin tasks, paying bills, ordering shopping, etc. It can be time consuming but she is virtually blind and can no longer do this herself.

But I find it really hard to bite my tongue as she is constantly complaining that she doesn’t have enough money, can’t afford to put the heating on in the winter and is one of those people who says young people today have more money than she ever did but they spend it all on holidays, coffee and concerts etc. She honestly believes it was harder financially in her day and young people today are just spoilt.

When I try and disagree with her she shouts me down. But what really irritates is she pleads poverty but it’s rubbish, she has an income of £4.5k every month (after tax) and barely spends a grand of it. She has an eye watering amount in savings too. Her latest grumble is she doesn’t think she should be in the higher tax band (she’s just been taxed 40% on something) but I said she must be based on the maths but she won’t listen.

My Gran is like this. When we visit during winter the house is so cold we want to keep our coats on but she gets offended asking if we’re not staying… We’ve learnt to wrap up well before going now which is nuts! She sits there under a big blanket with a beanie hat and 3-4 layers of clothing on including thermals. It’s fucking crazy. I don’t know how much she gets a month exactly but do know she has four pensions coming in from both her own and my deceased Grandad. She also has private healthcare through his pension but won’t use it!

I just think it’s generational.

Agree, lots of things have improved and are better today. That’s how it should be, things should get better not decline.

But I think buying a house is harder today than it was back then, people used to be able to get a good sized house on one salary, doing a very average job. That’s not to say older generations didn’t have their own struggles in other ways.

My mum's like this has a sizeable inheritance (for her anyway )and the thought of spending a penny on it makes her break out in a cold sweat 🤣,she's took my dad out of day center saying she cant afford it despite having over a 1000 permth disposable income ,,hoarding money is a genuine illness ,want sto be the richest corpse in the graveyard and would sooner look at numbers than have experiences and live life fully ,,,it's quite sad .

It's almost as if different generations have different challenges and problems 🙄

Sorry but I can't stand it when people do all the 'X generation had it so hard, Y generation don't know they're born' rubbish. One generation's struggles don't negate the struggles of a different generation.

i swear that generation doesn’t have a clue. I have similar relatives, I’m certain the more money older people have the more cushioned they are from reality. Ignore her comments generally because there’s no winning with them, but put your foot down if she starts shouting. You’re doing a favour but she’s an adult with the means to pay for help so you don’t have to help her. She needs to at least treat you with respect if you’re doing her a favour. If she can’t treat you with respect, don’t help with it. It’s actually not your problem to fix.

OP you are as a PP said leaving yourself wide open without having a Power of Attorney in place or more to the point she has not authorised you to act on her behalf for financial matters.

Assuming there may be other eventual beneficiaries from any Will you would be wise to seek to raise this with her or at least look it up online.

No she doesn’t. But does out of common decency. The woman is in her late 80’s and cannot see. She is blind.

My dad was born at the end of the war, but he remembered rationing as it went on for about 9 years after. He remembered going to school with holes in his jumper and cardboard in his shoes, just like everyone else around him. He remembered stealing from an allotment because he was hungry.
As he got into old age he started stockpiling food as he was concerned about another war and being hungry, and he certainly wouldn’t pay £3 for a coffee when he could make it at home.
I really just think you should let them be, they won’t change their mindset and they know that death is around the corner.

I would take the approach of saying you don’t want to listen to complaining regardless of the topic at hand. Don’t try and use logic with her, just say her constant complaining is too much and she needs to dial it back as it’s making your relationship difficult. The topic of the complaint doesn’t matter as much as the constant complaining.

And if she doesn’t want to turn on her heating then so what? She can be cold. If she doesn’t want to spend her money on nice things or good food etc. that’s her prerogative, you just should not be expected to listen to her moaning.

You have to learn how to stop arguing.

I would actually want to talk to her. About her memories. What life was like. Good and not good.
Once she is gone so are her memories. She is a piece of living social history.
Talk to her.

There’s always one.

no it isn't. I am in my 70's and have got older siblings. All of us had poverty level childhoods. All of us have worked hard and done well and by God we enjoy every penny.

yup IOEAOTO

Our pensions go up with inflation, DH is only 57. We were some of the very last I’m sure but a lot younger than late eighties.

People just have different struggles in each generation. What is very useful is inter generational hatred and annoyance for Governments. Some great examples on this thread. When actually even with a vote unless she was a policy writer, politician, mega rich business owner or high up trade unionist she is someone who is like all of us the victim or victor of legislation and legal frameworks set out by a minority on all of us.

£40k ish in the public sector today isn't "normal" for the majority of staff. More like £30 k ISH.

I bet you wouldn’t swop…

‘You get double the average wage in income every month so stop being silly’.

On the flip side if she thinks she doesn’t have a lot of money, she’s not spending it on stuff and filling up her house which would be a future problem for you to solve. Let her savings build up and up. Then they can be used for her care if she needs any or be shared out according to any will and tax bill in the future.

You also know you won’t ever have to subsidise her financially. Let her moan. Ignore the content.

Final salary pensions increase yearly.
Df's pension used to go up by about 4 or 5% a year when I was getting a 1.5% wage rise in the NHS.

Interesting. My Gran was the child of impoverished immigrants and had 8 siblings so I always figured this was why she didn’t like spending money. Having said that, she has always spent lots on decent food but apparently heating isn’t a priority.

Do any relatives ask her for money ? Just a wonder…..

They go up by the rate of inflation. Which will be whatever that is each year. They do not automatically go up by 4 or 5 % each and every year.

My grandad is like this. He refuses to pay for help in his house even though he really needs it so my mum and my aunts end up doing a lot of it. His monthly income is not that different to mine for a family of five. His house has been paid off for years, his bills are tiny and no major expenses yet moans about living on a pension and how hard it is all while having thousands sat in savings. We all just smile and nod.

My mother is like this and she's not even old. She's 65 and she has enough money in savings that she could pay off my mortgage and my sister's. Obviously I don't think she should, but I do find it very wearing that she keeps going on about how pensioners are hard done by. I have to do her admin tasks for her because she's decided to be wilfully ignorant about them all.