To find my elderly relative’s attitude to money very wearing

[definitelybothered]

I help an elderly relative (late 80s) with various admin tasks, paying bills, ordering shopping, etc. It can be time consuming but she is virtually blind and can no longer do this herself.

But I find it really hard to bite my tongue as she is constantly complaining that she doesn’t have enough money, can’t afford to put the heating on in the winter and is one of those people who says young people today have more money than she ever did but they spend it all on holidays, coffee and concerts etc. She honestly believes it was harder financially in her day and young people today are just spoilt.

When I try and disagree with her she shouts me down. But what really irritates is she pleads poverty but it’s rubbish, she has an income of £4.5k every month (after tax) and barely spends a grand of it. She has an eye watering amount in savings too. Her latest grumble is she doesn’t think she should be in the higher tax band (she’s just been taxed 40% on something) but I said she must be based on the maths but she won’t listen.

You're doing a kind thing and her making it difficult makes it that much kinder. I can understand how draining it must be but maybe deal with it the way you would a child who wants to know the why of everything or are we there yet. Answer her without fully engaging. Also agree with her, even if it means lying through your teeth. It will make it all so much easier for you. Then when you leave and the door is closed behind you, literally give yourself a bit of a shake to shed it, take a deep breath and then enjoy the rest of your day.

Judging by your username you are about 30 years younger and pensions have changed a lot in that time.

She gets cross - so what? Let her. Maybe even get cross yourself? It's not actually elder abuse to tell her she's being daft.

My mum (not much younger) has a similar income and readily acknowledges she's very comfortable compared to most people and most of her friends - certainly all the widowed female ones (they all stopped working at least for a while when they had kids, she didn't. Her main "old people being unreasonable about money" gripe is when they tell her she's "lucky", as if her bigger pension fell out of the sky). Being over a certain age doesn't stop you understanding very simple facts such as "average wage is x and I have twice that" or whatever.

I was about to say this too.
If other people are dealing with her finances for her and she's visually impaired, does she realise how much income she has coming in?
Perhaps mentioning, next time she's pleading poverty, that she gets £54k per year, after tax, may (or may not!) enlighten her.

Perhaps looking after 80 year olds isn’t your thing op. Years of nursing have made me turn a blind eye to moans and worries of that age group. If you let it get to you you are just going to get frustrated with her and angry.

Yep, as a retired teacher in my 70s, who also gets half of my late husband's teachers pension (he was acting HT when he died, so a reasonably high salary), even with the state pension added, my income is nowhere near £4.5k! So I think there's a lot more going on with this lady's income than just a public sector pension.

It’s a bit tedious when people think silly things, yes. But she’s elderly, that’s a mitigating factor. And money is a source of anxiety for lots, similar to health.
I think it’s great she isn’t banging on about the rights of transvestites, or emphasising gay people all the time. I’d find her particular mental distortion refreshing, frankly. Such a simple one.

I had a great aunt ( lovely lady, 1st in the family to go to university, in the 1930s)who was comfortably off ( and to be fair didn’t fixate on being poor) but she couldn’t resist passing judgement on young mums in local cafes blowing £s on babychinnos, cake etc and sometimes not even consuming it all before leaving! She’d lived through WW2, the blitz , rationing etc so I just smiled along..

My sister is like this. Constantly moaning about how por She is, can't afford to contribute anything to family events, but always has mony to do what she wants. Its a mindset and yes, its tiresome to be around.

Older people don't get access to "every benefit under the sun"!

It's kinda normal though? That generation lived through so much and didn't spend or throw anything away. There are different struggles now. It is annoying when they keep going on about it.

Look, in another few decades you might find you're doing the same thing to the younger gen :)

I am not tarring everyone with the same brush 😊. My own parents are very sensible with money, but I do despair of the grasping greedy attitude of some pensioners online.

The issue here isn’t that she has these (misguided) opinions, it’s that she erupts and shouts you down when you politely give your opinion back on her views. Who does she think she is? Your owner?

I also generally roll my eyes and bite my tongue around elderly people too however I draw the line at them erupting at me. Her shouting you down implies she thinks she’s above you and she’s entitled to your help in life. Unfortunately I’ve noticed a lot of entitlement from elderly relatives in this respect. They think it’s the younger relatives role to look after them in older age, rather than being grateful for it.

She's old and ill. She's probably in pain and scared a lot of the time. Some people in her condition think carers are hurting them when they aren't; life must be terrifying.
Logically, her generation had things far harder in some ways, and far easier in others-they had a good chance of getting a solid, lasting marriage, and having one person virtually guaranteed to have a job, and the other able to parent.
There are policies against racism/sexual harassment in the workplace today that she wouldn't have benefitted from (not saying it doesn't still happen today), but on the other hand, few of our kids will easily be able to get a job/house and if they do get a mortgage with a partner, this is far less secure. So swings and roundabouts.

She may be elderly but you're doing quite a lot for her by the sounds of it. I think it's OK to gently say to her that you find it difficult to hear her complaining when she's spending less than her outgoings. If she doesn't want to rein it in then consider how much you want to spend time with her and perhaps withdraw from her to an extent.

Otoh if you're going to inherit it one day then bite your lip and think about how you're going to spend it 😂

My parents are in their 80’s (early) don’t gave brilliant health. At no stage in their 8 decades did they have it ‘worse’ than we do? Grandchildren even worse!
Both went to grammar - both went to uni- mum taught part time for a very small part of her life as she was overwhelmed with children (6 siblings). Dad was a headteacher. They BOTH retired - with massive payouts - in their 50’s. They live in a just shy of £2m house with gold plated pensions.

do me a favour 🤣

They both

You draw the line, do you? How?

this old lady isn’t in hospital, which is terrific. However. We have no idea at all how much chronic pain she deals with, what physical issues she is overcoming daily to stay in her home, what her mental health is like, how her digestion is doing, how scared she is of losing independence, wether she sleeps sufficiently.

Being old, as they say, is not for the faint hearted.

Empathy for gays, for SEN, for trans, for immigrants.. but for old people… err, no, they’re annoying. Wake up.

I agree not all But when you hear that someone is blind (which makes people more prone to dementia), in their late 80s and is becoming aggressive/irritable (ie shouting), they probably have at least early stage dementia. If she had always been like this, I doubt the OP would have started helping her at all.

www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/stages-and-symptoms/early-stages-dementia

Absolutely correct.

Your elderly relative has likely been a conservative spender her entire life, feeling safe and secure having money in the bank ,but after a while that money doesn't feel real anymore.
Logically she knows it exists but in your late '80s you're less likely to want to use it if you can manage on saving money where you can.
Most elderly people have a long- held fear of running out of money and that mindset is difficult to dismiss.
I wonder if your relative knows that 50% of young people today the world over are living in debt?
That wouldn't even have been possible when you're relative was younger.
She probably can't understand why young people seem to have so much money to buy things that in her mind are not necessary, and that they should be saving because everything costs so much these days.
People today have a different feelings about money and how they use it.
Many rely on the buy now pay later money lenders to get by.
When people are still working, the buy now pay later attitude allows them to freely enjoy holidays, treat themselves to expensive treats for themselves that in your elderly relative's day wouldn't even be considered if they were saving carefully to buy a home, a car etc...that today isn't on the radar for a lot of young people, and never will be.

I think you're very kind to help your elderly relative take care of her personal business, but I think maybe it's difficult for her to understand the way people live these days, which to her probably wouldn't make sense.

Its a thing with older people my DH has it it gets on everyones nerves about him. They underestimate what they can afford - he has had a stroke and TIAs . Its upsetting really because he wasnt like that at all when he was younger .

Thanks for your wise and generous comment, Goodcat. So many selfish, ageist comments here from people who can’t imagine growing up on rationed food or indeed growing old and frightened.

Have you read the Let Them Theory? If that's what she thinks, let her. the Let me bit could be saying "it must've been tough when you were younger".

Don't argue with her but feel prepared to give facts. If she's pleading poverty, it's OK to gently say "did you know that the amount you've got coming in every month is more than double what I earn?" or whatever the maths is.

Maybe she knows it winds you up and gets a kick out of bringing it up. Maybe she genuinely believes that people these days don't know how good they've got it. Maybe she's never moved out of a frugal mindset and hasn't realised how healthy her finances are compared to many others.

The "let them" bit is about how it bothers you - you let it bother you.

With that disposable income and the effect it's having on you having to listen to her moaning, if she's not your mother I'd be charging a fee for the job you're doing or ask her to pay someone else to do it. . The time you're helping her is time you're not earning money and it sounds as if it's getting you down. It's not on.

I have a similar situation with my Dad but he's my Dad so.... but then I feel free to constantly point out how we have no money and can't afford our mortgage increase later this year and how his pension, that he gets every month, is more than my entire take home pay, plus he has no mortgage payments so please can he not plead poverty to me because it's irritating! But we have that kind of relationship.

My Mum always said he was mean with money and as a child I didn't see it... now I do. The thing that grates for me the most is that since Mum's not around, he doesn't get the grandkids (my children) presents, just a card. When I know how much he has this seems honestly really not on. But it is what it is, you can't change people you can only decide your own response to it.