To expect a snack when visiting someone's home for a few hours?

[Playdoughy]

Context matters clearly, so I will give some background.
We've been invited to friends' place who live outside of London (90mins car ride) and we agreed to come by over the weekend for a few hours in the early afternoon. The invite was not for an overnight stay but more of a housewarming situation - as in come and see how the place looks like (not for a group of people but just us visiting). They have been living in the flat for 5 months now, I am pregnant so couldn't take a trip during first semester due to sickness - now more up for it.
Anyway we had an early light lunch (luckily) and took off today to arrive after almost a 2 hour drive due to traffic. We had a lovely time chatting and stayed for around 2 hours (I literally had to leave and gave signal to my husband as I was starving to the point of being nauseous).
We got offered a tea upon arrival (drink, not a meal - to avoid any confusion) so I had a cup of tea -no biscuits involved.
I have to admit that on my way to the loo I literally stole a couple of crackers from an open bag sitting on a sideboard near the kitchen and I ate that in the bathroom (yeah...).
After we said goodbyes and went into the car my husband started googling for any nearby pub to have dinner - I advocated against in case they go out later, it would be super awkward if we stumbled upon them. So we grabbed some snacks in an off licence for the car and were on our way.
I mean surely as a host you have some concept of your guests travelling to see you and need to travel back - for us this would be almost 6 hours without a meal and I am pregnant.
I just don't get it. Even a box of digestives would have helped.
Maybe it's a cultural difference thingy, she is american he is scandinavian. Anyway aibu?

It may well have ended up being a 2 hour visit (due to the po-faced host demographic) BUT it was planned as ‘spending the afternoon’ bookended by a long drive of 90 mins - 2 hours each way (depending on traffic).

So the couple who gave the invitation knew their pregnant friend would be out of her house for a long time, potentially 6 - 8 hours.

‘Have you eaten? Just let us know if you’d like or need anything’ would have been friendly, normal and pleasant.

But that couple didn’t give a shit. And probably were still not Cromwellian enough for the po-faced demographic on this place these days. The slack bastards had an open bag of crackers lying around.

I have to say 47 per cent think this is ok is a surprise, really.

I think there’s probably a notable difference between how many people thought the hosting was poor and how many thought OP was being unreasonable.

“Was it a bit crap to not even offer us a biscuit with our tea?” - for me and many others, a resounding yes.

“Was I unreasonable to steal crackers and act
like it was some kind of personal victory when I wasn’t offering them, and then, even though I was supposedly nauseous with hunger, to refuse a pub lunch to make a point?” - also a responding yes from me!

What are you on about?
My question was about hosting habits and basic manners not about me being able to feed myself - which I am capable of and of course we had snacks in the car, but it would be so rude to actually ask someone to feed me or say let me go and grab me some food from my car. I was a guest at someone's house ffs.

A guest means anyone you invite to your home or an event.

It can be a FRIEND or someone you don’t know so well. Yes you might have someone round so often that they treat your home like their own, this wasn’t the case in the OP though as you know.

If it was one of my friends coming round I might even go as far as to buy something in that I know they like to eat! Imagine!

This thread is hilarious. Never have I seen such a split (tight arses vs non tight arses)

But what if they were travelling to and from your house, at your request, at lunch time and dinnertime? You would expect them to pack food for the journey to your house and not even offer a light snack so they didnt have to stop off on the way home as it was up to a 2 hour journey, especially being pregnant?

Wow. Thoughtfulness and basic manners are at all all time low on this thread

I really can't believe how many people think it's okay to not offer some nibbles at least to someone who has travelled two hours to spend an afternoon with them. Or who haven't realized that the visit time has two hours on either side!

If any of you have Irish blood, we would have to disown you immediately!

I live 1 1/2 to 2 hours from the city where lots of my friends live and, if they come for the afternoon, I would assume they had probably missed lunch or had a late breakfast to get on the road. I always provide a salad/buffet lunch even if they arrive at 3pm so that different levels of hunger are catered for. And a cup of tea and cake/biscuits are forced into your hand when you start to make signals that you are thinking of heading home so that you're not starving on your journey.

Nobody leaves my home with an empty belly. If I had a pregnant friend visiting, I'd have already asked what their craving was and made sure to have some of that available, unless it was an impromptu visit and the particular snack was only available in the big town.

If I was hungry I would have asked for something, especially if I was pregnant - you have a free pass!

Oh this gets better all the time!

So you've finally mentioned you actually did have your own snacks, but stealing crackers and sitting on someone's toilet to eat them appealed much more? 🤣

It's the thread that keeps on giving.

I'm one of the two cultures of your friends and would be seriously embarrassed not to offer you food or let your cup run dry!! If I had friends coming over for the afternoon, I'd bake something like a banana bread or cookies, offer chips and dip, cheese and crackers, maybe even a veg platter with ranch or hummus.

Your hosts are thoughtless, regardless of whether you're pregnant or not, or whether you'd popped round from next door or travelled 2 hours.

Also, forget about culture, I've never been to a British person's house and not been offered (at an absolute minimum!!) tea and biscuits within the first 10 seconds of crossing the threshold, even if it's just supermarket own brand custard creams. And usually much more that that as well. I'm amazed to read some of these responses!!

Yes, I would have thought it normal to offer biscuits or cake or some savoury equivalent (sausage rolls maybe?). The absolute bare minimum is a packet of store-bought biscuits.

This is nothing to do with being pregnant or not. It’s like a basic rule of life. Since you are pregnant, you should probably carry snacks with you in case you find yourself in a similar situation again.

I wouldn’t offer guests a full meal unless I had specifically invited them for a meal. But I might do, depending on timing. If you were arriving anywhere from 11am to 1pm, then I would probably have invited for lunch.

This would have been considered extremely rude as far as myself and my family are concerned, however we do have an Italian background and expections are extremely high on both ends with regards to hosting/visiting others.

I am finding it strange that so many people's reasons for not providing biscuits/cake/snacks is because THEY don't snack or THEY don't have cakes and biscuits in the house.

I don't either, I am a gym rat, those types of foods only ever enter my body very rarely and if I snack It's on strips of tofu!

But if I am hosting, I am not thinking about ME, I am thinking about my guests.

Who will not have the same diet as me and have travelled to see me, I wouldn't dream of not getting/making foods that 'normal people' (i.e people who do eat those types of things) will appreciate and enjoy, I am hospitable when I have visitors and I would hate to think of anyone going hungry. If they don't want anything, fine I will not be offended and if they do then everyone's happy.
OP has already said they're in their 30s so it doesn't seem as though they lack the experience, and she's already said she took a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates.

@ArseSkinForAFriend even if OP had her own snacks it would be seriously weird to pull them out and start eating them - that's a very pass ag thing for a guest to do, especially since she (quite reasonably!!) was expecting to be offered a snack by her hosts any minute!

No.

Thank you.

You've been like this your whole life and still don't think to keep snacks in your bag?

It's not common to want to graze through the day. If you never expect to be fed then you won't be disappointed. You just wouldn't expect food for a 2 hour visit.

Not finally, I mentioned this in my initial posts, we too - as many people - keep snacks in our car.
Again the question was about hosting expectations - not if I am able to feed myself.

Weirder than stealing crackers and eating them in secret, sitting on her friend's toilet? 👀 🤮

I genuinely think the weirdest thing here is to drive 4 hours to see people you aren't good enough friends with to ask for a piece of toast. And then avoid the local pub for no reason at all.

I think hosting means a lot of different things to people. We tend to overfeed anyone who steps into my house, but I've definitely been to plenty of places who have a very different idea on food and timings and availability. We just spent a weekend at a friend's place who has a rule that her kids have to ask before eating anything. My daughter is hungry 'all' the time (teenage athlete) but also incredibly shy so it took me a day to work out that I needed to speak up for her. Just a difference in household expectations - they don't really eat between meals and their kids don't have free access to the kitchen. We have a massive snack cabinet for our kids to help themselves whenever they want. So it doesn't have to be that complicated or terrible or bad hosting or anything - just different families and different lifestyles.

But stealing crackers and eating them on the toilet isn’t weird?

Can you explain why it is rude to ask for food but not rude to steal it?

I used to carry biscuits around with me, however I know in op's situation at a friend's house I could have said "I feel sick" and any decent friend would offer some toast or something. Same as if you have a headache, if you mention it the host might offer paracetamol.

That was desperation and starvation, and subtle too, host unaware. Imagine having to cadge a few crackers on your way to the loo to scoff in private so as not to embarrass the miserable git of a host.

Truly, there is something rotten in the State of Denmark England these days. Puritanism never died did it?

I can see how the crackers thing might have happened if OP didn't want to offend them or make them think she was judging them for being poor hosts. It's easier to eat behind a locked door if you want too save the hosts' blushes if you think you might embarrass them by saying you need to go out to the car and wolfing down snacks, or pulling out snacks from your bag and eating them in front of their faces.

As host, your opening gambit after all the hello’s and welcome’s, would surely be ‘the loo is there/let me get you a drink/I’ll get the kettle on and here’s a biscuit or two to keep you going/go have a seat etc’

Just bad manners by the sounds of them. Even if you don’t nibble between meals, you should at least make something available to a guest, so they feel welcome and wanted in your home.

Shame, as it sounds like it has soured a friendship slightly!