AIBU to expect DH home before midnight

[ThatPithyZebra]

Objective opinions appreciated.

AIBU to expect DH home before midnight when he sees friends? Friend group meeting up and he will see them for at least 8 hours if he comes home earlier. I'm a SAHM and we have 2 kids under 2. He feels seeing friends for less than 3/4h is pointless. Once kids are asleep it's easy but it would be nice as it can disrupt our sleep as we are cosleeping too. I am self aware and realise part of my need is wanting to spend maybe 30 mins chatting to him before bed. Otherwise I won't see him until the next day, which is a work day.

Why do you need to chat to him for thirty minutes?

Depends on how often he's out really. If it's not very often I wouldn't be giving him a curfew. Would you like it if he told you what time to be home at?

Meh. If it is not a common thing for him to do, and is something he does once in a while and you get to go out too if you want without hassle from him. Then I don't see the problem tbf 🤷‍♀️but does depend on those things.

How often is he going out and seeing friends? Once a week until midnight is a lot. If they are friends he sees once or twice a year, that’s more understandable. It’s not fine for him to be disturbing everyone else when he comes home, so he needs to sleep in the spare room or on the couch if he’s going to be that late home.

Do you have the opportunity to have 8 hours with your friends as frequently as he does? Being a SAHM to 2 under 2, do you have friends and able to get out regularly or is the 30 minutes to talk him each day really important to you because you’re not seeing your friends and you’re stuck at home with 2 kids all day?

No I wouldn’t expect my husband to be home before midnight. He’s an adult, he can manage his own time and social life. I had three under three and so long as he was up, playing his part in family life or working the next day, that’s fine.

what do you want to chat to him about?

I don't care what time dh comes home as long as he doesn't interrupt my sleep.

So for the nights him (or me) is out, the person who has been out sleeps in the spare bed. Or it used to be settee before we had a spare bed

I think its unreasonable to expect him to have a curfew just so you can have a chat, but I wouldn't want to be disturbed

What did you agree before he went out? You did agree something before he went didn't you?

I remember a night out with some girlfriends. One woman got up and said ‘oh have to get back my DH is expecting me’. And we were astonished. This was not a frequent get together but a once every three months type thing. And to have a curfew? One I wouldn’t even give a 16 year old? That’s sad.

OP, I’d hate to be given a curfew by my husband. We’d 2 under 2 and three under four - so I get it: the nights are hard and parenting is relentless. But is a solution not fairer “friends/off” time rather than time limits? Do you get out? What is he doing with friends that has him out late? (For example, many of my husbands friends live 45 ish mins away, so home for midnight based on tubes would mean him leaving before close of a pub, or unable to go to a gig - and they love music). So he tends to do longer; more spaced out weekends. However, I’d be frustrated if it was every weekend! On my end; I’m not from the UK and occasionally fly home for a night to see my friends - meaning DH has the kids for two ish days. Whereas my nights out here, tend to be earlier as my friends are not night owls and are local! So there’s a balance. If you’re missing him, can you get a babysitter? Or swap nights babysitting for friends? (Which is what we do - means we get out together every 8 ish weeks).

Unless you're going to drip that he's out 5 nights out of 7, of course YABU.

Awfully needy, let him enjoy a night with his friends.

If he expected me home before a certain time I really wouldn't mind. For me, a good few hours with friends is enough and I know he struggles with having the older 1 for longer than half a day (he never has the younger 1 as it's too difficult for him atm)

Interesting to hear you'd let a 16 year old out til 11pm. I would be a bit concerned about that.

I don't/can't go out without the younger one at the moment. He does it once a week so yes not often at all.

I think that’s the problem, to be honest, rather than the time he comes home. He can only have the older one for a half day and the younger one not at all. So once a week he gets 8 hours to himself, with his friends and if you’re lucky you get 4 hours without the eldest.

He doesn’t need a curfew he just needs to actually parent his kids.

Well maybe when your children are older you'll know more about what's appropriate for 16 year olds.

No I wouldn't try to make him come home earlier just to talk to him for 30 mins and I would be pissed off at being given a curfew.

An unrelated issue is that he's crap at looking after his own children.

About once a week.

Yes you're probably right; I don't have friends I can see as unfortunately they've all moved either out of the country or more than 1h away. I also can't leave him with both kids at the moment so it's not doable for me to go out in the evenings. I don't work so have struggled to find friends as most of the mum's locally are busy with their own kind long term friends.

It'll probably be better when they're older and I can go out.

In response to everyone asking "what do I want to talk about ?". Probably just craving some adult conversation after a full day of 2 under 2.

Yes you're probably right, sometimes you just need some objective opinions to help understand yourself better

Why don't you call or facetime one of your mates when the kids are asleep?

At the point where he’s missed bedtime I don’t think it’s then relevant or really any of your business whether he get in at 11:59 or 1am or whatever so long as he’s in a decent enough state to get up and pull his weight with the kids the next day. By all means say he’s to sleep on the sofa if him coming in late disturbs a cosleeeping baby, but I don’t get why that only becomes an issue after midnight and it’s selfish and frankly a bit odd to want him home just for a chat. I think the wider issue is that you don’t have friends of your own locally and you don’t have much of a life outside of the kids right now but ordering him home early for a pre bedtime chat isn’t going to fix that.

Yes we agreed 10 pm as seemed reasonable and wouldn't disturb my sleep (been crappy recently while bf 3 month old) . But he's messaged to say it'll be midnight

I think once a week is actually quite a lot for late nights out with kids that small.

I think YABU for the midnight curfew but once a week is too much for boozy nights out with tiny kids.

Also, why can’t he look after the kids alone?

8 hours once a week with friends is a lot! Not parenting his children is not acceptable. As you’re a SAHM he should be prioritising you getting a break from looking after the kids solo, for instance taking you all out as a family for some much needed fun - park/softplay/harvester etc.. when he gets the opportunity to. He needs a stern talking to, not a curfew!

No I don’t ’expect’ Dh to come home by a certain time if he’s gone out. And in the same way like fuck would I accept in any way a curfew from dh on when I should be home by.
If I’m out then I’m out and that’s my time, Dh can entertain himself once the dc are in bed and talk to himself if he wants.
Ours are older now but it’s the way it’s always been.

you are so not being unreasonable and sorry doing this once a week is VERY OFTEN. Especially if he does it on a weekend cause that basically means you have one day with him. Also leaving you with 2 kids under 2 alone to figure things out is every time without offering any reciprocity (whether it’s feasible or not) is awful behaviour. TBH I’d be fuming if I were you.