AIBU to expect DH home before midnight

[ThatPithyZebra]

Objective opinions appreciated.

AIBU to expect DH home before midnight when he sees friends? Friend group meeting up and he will see them for at least 8 hours if he comes home earlier. I'm a SAHM and we have 2 kids under 2. He feels seeing friends for less than 3/4h is pointless. Once kids are asleep it's easy but it would be nice as it can disrupt our sleep as we are cosleeping too. I am self aware and realise part of my need is wanting to spend maybe 30 mins chatting to him before bed. Otherwise I won't see him until the next day, which is a work day.

Did you read the bit where he won’t have rhe younger child at all. Ever. So the op gets zero minutes to herself ever? Fuck his friends, fuck his social life and fuck him. That’s how I feel
about shit dads.

So he never looks after both kids even for a few hours

why not

and fwiw if doesn’t usually go out then saying needs to be home by 10 so you. An chat seems controlling

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. He’s acting like a teenager heading off for hours on his nights out, presumably spending family money on drink and whatever else. Tbh my DH was a similarly shit dad until he gave up drinking entirely which kick started a miraculous turn around.

I hate the way people say things like ‘he is being unreasonable and you’re just going to let him, come on OP!’ like what is the OP actually supposed to do here? She can only express how unhappy she is with his behaviour, she can’t force him to change and leaving is a huge deal when you have two young children.

Anyway YANBU OP but it is makes you feel less alone you certainly aren’t the first woman left holding the baby and you won’t be the last.

I think rather than being judgemental of the hypothetical parenting of imaginary 16 year olds you should turn your parenting critique inwards to the father of your children who sounds completely incapable.

YABU about this particular question, but he needs to start taking both DC at weekends for a few hours so you can have a break.

You sound like his mum. Will he be grounded for being late?

so many women make threads like this on here without realising how controlling it sounds.

can you go to some mum & baby groups etc, maybe finding some friends might make you feel a bit less lonely & that 30 minute chat won’t be so significant. You kind of sound lonely & isolated socially for the fact you can’t let you hubby have a night out cos you can’t do without the 30 min chat

Why can't he ffs?

He's a dickhead OP.
Can't look after his 2 kids but goes out every single week for an extended night out.

You're not unreasonable for wanting him to come home before midnight.
You are unreasonable for putting up with this situation.

He goes out once a week.

And the OP doesn't get a break because this prince among men apparently can't look after both his kids at the same time because it's too much for the poor fella.

I actually don't think you are being unreasonable now you have updated that this is a weekly occurrence. If he is going out with friends for long periods of time once a week while you don't get any time to yourself that is vastly unfair.

He needs to dedicate some time into working out how he can look after his own 2 children to give you some down time. Yes, it might be hard to begin with but if you have to do it, he should too.

YANBU. Staying out till midnight once a week is excessive, especially as you never get an equivalent break from the kids.

DH is going out late too often.
Once every month or so would be reasonable.

Once every week would be how often I'd expect to go out with him.
Make that a regular thing instead.
Or start to combine the two.

Hire a baby sitter and join DH's friends once per month. Plan to go out alone together every fortnight and him alone with friends once per month and the same deal for you.

Change the socialising to something acceptable and sustainable.

You're actually more likely to have issues in your relationship by acting like this is fine and martyring yourself. He won't respect you for it, instead he'll keep taking the piss.

Most if not all who think you are unreasonable were assuming this was a rare night out, it's completely different if it's every week.
You have a 3 month old and a 20 month old and probably have ppd/ppa and he goes out once a week and can't even come home when he's supposed to even though it might disrupt your sleep.

You said he can't mind the eldest for more than half a day, why not? What happens after half a day?

And he can never have the 3 month old at all because it's too difficult for him? Why? What's so difficult? Babies are easy for a few hours, it's when you have them all the time and you're sleep deprived that they can be difficult.

What am I reading? Your husband can't be left with both children because it's too much for him? What's wrong with him? Other than being a lazy twat.

You sound utterly exhausted and defeated. You mention probably having some ppd, go and see your gp about that but honestly I suspect you are just knackered and your husband is totally taking the piss by going out so long when you've done a long day looking after both kids.

You also say you don't want to cause issues in your marriage. Why? Your dh is clearly not stepping up to support you and I suspect the sodding off to go drinking ( I assume it's this because what else are they doing for 8 hrs) with his mates is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of how little support you are getting.

I read the posts. OP is breast feeding and that sounds partly the reason why he can’t have the youngest one for any length of time.

yes, that needs fixing but she is still not his mother so can’t be controlling him with a curfew she imposes. There is more to this than it being about him going out. The lack of the OP’s socialising and her loneliness is what needs fixing first

So this man wants to be treated like a child who can't manage in relation to looking after his own kids that he chose to parent.

But then on the other hand he doesn't want to be treated like a child in regards to going out.

Best of both worlds for him!

She shouldn't need to be controlling him because he should be controlling his own behaviour and behaving more responsible.

10om? My DD at 14 was just about home by then from cadets. Even local pubs don't shut until 11. Very unreasonable

He can't feed the baby so that makes a difference

Agree with this!

8 hours every week is a lot imo when you have a partner and 2 kids at home. And why on earth can’t he cope with his own children? Tell him to man up and leave him for 8 hours. He gets time to himself and so should you. Take yourself out for the day!

OP please stop waiting till the kids are older you’re going to burn out. Take yourself off and leave them both with your DH. You can practice by giving him the little one and just being in a different room in the house. Do this regularly and gradually build up the time. You need to put your own sanity first sometimes x

It's unreasonable to give an adult a curfew but he needs to make sure he has the kids whilst you get the same opportunity to catch up with friends and have some down time too.

You are not unreasonable at all he sounds like he is still wanting to have his single lifestyle but he now is a father and has parenting responsibilities. And yes if you've had them all day of course you want to speak to your husband at some point. Having young children is relentless and you definitely need a break.

Yes it does, but he couldn't even manage their trial run to look after both at the same time, and presumably that wasn't because he couldn't breastfeed the baby.

You need to find something to do.

It's very unreasonable to be miffed because your partner is having a life, when you just don't want to go out - so if you don't do it, no one else can. You don't have to go out if you are tired, but there are hours at the weekend, or early evenings.

I try to imagine my face if my husband was telling me to be home before midnight 😂. That would not go well.

My year 6 kid has a leaver "disco" planned, and that won't even finish until 10:30 earliest

It's terrible for your relationship if you rely exclusively on your partner for your entertainment and socialising.

He does this once a week??? Fuck that, he does know that he has kids, right?

Tell him to stay home and be a parent like you have to.

This. Also the amount of comments thinking that her chatting to her DH for 30 mins is weird, and means she is sad and lonely? I'm sorry, what?

I used to chat to my ex for hours at night after the kids went to sleep. Talking is part of having a relationship. She's not weird and sad for wanting to talk to her own husband for 30 damn minutes while he'd rather be off out with his mates every week.