AIBU to expect DH home before midnight

[ThatPithyZebra]

Objective opinions appreciated.

AIBU to expect DH home before midnight when he sees friends? Friend group meeting up and he will see them for at least 8 hours if he comes home earlier. I'm a SAHM and we have 2 kids under 2. He feels seeing friends for less than 3/4h is pointless. Once kids are asleep it's easy but it would be nice as it can disrupt our sleep as we are cosleeping too. I am self aware and realise part of my need is wanting to spend maybe 30 mins chatting to him before bed. Otherwise I won't see him until the next day, which is a work day.

And I'd be very unimpressed with a man going out for so long once a week for such a long time when we had a 3 month old baby and a 20 month old.

It doesn't seem like he feels any pressure so no need to worry about him.

And why the need to add arms and legs to the whole story and make out she's demanding x, y and z?

Really no need at all except for to be nasty.

So he goes out for as long as he wants once a week and OP can’t go out at all on her own because her husband is unable to parent his kids for a few hours?
OP he’s got you where he wants you.

Does he have some form of disability or something that means he's unable to look after the same two children you look after?

He has no issue leaving you to solo parent all day every week but is incapable of doing the same thing?

Nah YANBU. You would be unreasonable if he was a hands on parent and rarely went out. He goes out all the time and doesn't look after his own kids.

You are lonely, exhausted, you need support. You're a single mum, who also cleans up after another full grown adult.

All parents in a house should get the same level of free time. Always. Very simple rule. And as much time as you spend socialising with other people, you spend equal time connecting with your partner. Very simple. If there isn't enough time for you to have the same amount of free time as he gets. He's taking too much. If there isn't enough time to spend the same amount of quality time together as he spends with his friends, he's spending too much time with his friends. Very simple rule.

I saw a woman talking about how she manages her finances. If they want to buy a luxury item then the same amount of money goes in savings. If you can't afford that, you can't afford the item.

If he wants to go out with his friends then he carves out the same amount of time both for you to have alone and for you both to have together. If he doesn't have time for that, he doesn't have time for what he wants to do. It works on the same time frame. If he goes away for 3 nights once a year, then once a year you have a weekend together and you get a weekend alone. If he goes out for a full day every week then every week he spends a day with you, and every week he looks after the kids for a day so you can have a day doing what you want. If there's not enough time for that, then there's not enough time for him to go out for a full day every week. Simple.

Sounds like you need a job or volunteering to have someone to talk to.

This. It's utterly ridiculous that an adult parent can't get it together enough to look after his own two small children at once. The OP is able to do it endlessly, and yet he can't manage it for a brief period?

So he meets up with his friends once a week for a minimum of 8 hours until midnight whilst you are at home with a 3 month old and a 1 year old?

yeah, he needs a big drink of ‘grow the fuck up’. He’s not carrying nearly enough of his share of parenting.

I couldn’t give a fuck if anyone thinks that’s me putting a ‘curfew’ on another adult. The fuckwitt should be aware enough not to fucking need one.

2 under 2 and he's going out for 8 hours at a time on a weekly basis? YANBU, at all- the responses are crazy on here.

Why have you made this up and keep repeating it? OP has friends that don't live locally and did make some friends first time around but they haven't stayed close. Very common with baby group friendships. She's not said she's not in contact with anyone. She's 3 months postpartum, breastfeeding and with a two year old in the mix. She's given time to shower and exercise (basic human rights in my opinion) and that's it, because her poor baby husband can't possibly cope doing childcare alone for longer than that. The only person under pressure is OP. It's completely normal to hope to have some adult interaction with her husband at some point each day. He should understand how tying breastfeeding is and want to get back to his family after a whole 8 hours of partying.

YANBU for feeling things don't work for you, @ThatPithyZebra !

Many posters respond to the title or the first post only.

You are enabling him having a social life by taking care of his children in the evening. You have a 3 months old together.
It's ok to be a bit "needy" now.
This is not about a curfew - staying out once in a while for a special occasion - sure. But if you are struggling at the moment and it helps to see another adult in the evening, he doesn't need to stay late outside every week.

It's not about a specific time, but about setting the relationship in a way that you support him and he supports you, which is not happening at this moment.

Don't just fade into background and become a default parent. Not having friends close doesn't mean you don't deserve time to unwind (even if it means cafe/walk/hot bath/quiet time alone).
If you feel more supported, you will have more capacity to support him.

If you don't focus on keeping somehow fair setup now, or will be hard to get it later

Yeah sounds like she’s got loads of time for volunteering, what with the one year old and 3 month old that their father ‘can’t cope with’ and him hanging out with his mates for 8 hours once a week.

But OP hasn't imposed a curfew? She asked if he could be back for 10 so not to disturb their 3 month old baby's sleep. He's obviously under no pressure because he knows he can simply text and say he's going to be home later than that. At 3 months postpartum OP will still be healing physically, emotionally, mentally. After a full day alone with a 2 year old and a 3 month old while navigating breastfeeding, it's completely reasonable to want to have a chat with the person that's supposed to be your partner in all this. He's out partying 8 hours a week, that's almost 35 hours a month, with a new baby at home. Utter madness and so selfish.

Op I don't think you are being unreasonable. 8 hours to himself once a week is a lot. And he is not pulling his weight. He doesn't get to say parenting both his children is too much, they are his kids! Some women go back to work when a baby is 3 months old. He needs to do more. Why are you expected to be in the 2 under 2 trenches all on your own, giving him headspace so he doesn't get overwhelmed? The unfairness is staggering. If you are a SAHM that means you are working all day on child care, so don't let him pull that card. He needs to learn how to care for your 3 month old, and how to care for both children simultaenously, and give you an 8 hour respite once a week if he wants to keep his free time.

I wouldn't want my partner to set me a curfew for when I was out with my mates. He's not a 14 year old. So really it's a little unreasonable.

Why would it be so much better if he came in at 11.30pm? He'd probably be tired and drunk.

I hope you can try and get out and make some friends and do some hobbies yourself. Do things you enjoy rather than waiting around for him.

That way it wouldn't seem unfair as he could look after the kids and you could stay out late if you felt like it sometimes as well.

There is no curfew though. Expecting him home before midnight is a "nice to have" that she's not getting and the main reason she wants it is so that her sleep isn't disturbed. Something that obviously matters a lot when you're postpartum with a 3 month old. The fact her husband is completely oblivious to this suggests he does in fact need a curfew because he has the mentality of a 14 year old.

Why are you worrying about him being tired after 8 hours with friends and not OP being tired after a full day doing all the childcare and invisible labour?

When do you suggest OP takes up all these new hobbies when her husband is unable to look after his own children?

It depends how often he does this. My husband is an involved freemason and sometimes visits other lodges so he can be out once maybe twice a month for maybe 6/7 months in a row. It's his hobby so I don't expect him home early on those nights but he is home most nights. We don't have kids so that doesn't matter to us. I won't always wait up for him. If your partner is only going out a couple of times a month then I would leave him to it but if he is doing it and staying out late weekly or more than once a week then I would say something. Can he plan it for a regular day so you know and can plan your evening around him to being out late or does it have to be spurr of the moment?

He "trialled" looking after his own kids and couldn't cope??? Wtf you have much bigger issues. He may as well stay out all night as he's doesn't seem much use at home does he.

He does it once a week, and they have a 3 month old.

That poster is just determined to twist and twist what's going on for no good reason.

If she's married to a man who's incapable of looking after his own children then I'd recommend she splits up with him.

And when did I say I wasn't concerned about OP being tired. I was concerned about her not having many friends or time to do nice things for herself. What's wrong with that?

She said she wanted to talk to him for half an hour. I didn't think it was her saying she didn't want her sleep disturbed. If it's that then fair enough. He (or she) should sleep on the couch or spare bed if either comes in that late and the kids cosleep with them both.