AIBU to expect DH home before midnight

[ThatPithyZebra]

Objective opinions appreciated.

AIBU to expect DH home before midnight when he sees friends? Friend group meeting up and he will see them for at least 8 hours if he comes home earlier. I'm a SAHM and we have 2 kids under 2. He feels seeing friends for less than 3/4h is pointless. Once kids are asleep it's easy but it would be nice as it can disrupt our sleep as we are cosleeping too. I am self aware and realise part of my need is wanting to spend maybe 30 mins chatting to him before bed. Otherwise I won't see him until the next day, which is a work day.

@ThatPithyZebra what would you be concerned about if a 16 year old was out till 11?

A night out once a week until past midnight is wild when you have two kids under 2. Once every few months is normal. Once a week is very unusual and I would also have a problem with it OP.

That makes sense. Unfortunately I don't think my friend issue will be fixed. The few friends I've tried making haven't been very reliable with meeting up and at the moment I'm very restricted or stuck until baby 2 is older

Them being vulnerable being out late without adult supervision

He can change an agreement at the drop of a hat but you still can't go out and leave him with the children.

Come on OP

@ThatPithyZebra a 16 year old can be in full time employment, can be at college and can vote up here in Scotland, you honestly wouldn’t let them out without adult supervision?

The issue is probably me not getting enough time alone without a child on me. But that is my fault tbh. I can see that now. I also have struggled to make new friends since all my childhood friends and work friends moved away.

I just need to survive til the kids are a bit older.

Presumably if he’s out until midnight he’s not going to be in a fit state for conversation when he gets in.. so I voted YABU because I was assuming it was once every couple of months.

However a night out every single week is a bit much when you’ve got young kids.

Sorry editing because I didn’t realise the baby was only 3 months old and you’re BF.

When mine were 3 months old my DH was almost as knackered as I was, so no way he would be out until midnight every week. It sounds like he’s not really prioritising being available.

I think the way you’ve worded your OP has skewed responses. If it was I have a 3 month old and 2 yo and DH thinks he needs a night out every single week AIBU? I think the poll would be quite different!

I don't think what is 'legal' would steer my parenting. Especially with the age of consent being far too low. And with what I got up to at 16 and I got very lucky ! So that is why I worry; things can go wrong at night when strangers or even other kids are about and drink is involved

I agree with posters saying once a week is a lot for a big night out with 2 under 2 though. I had missed that. No a grown adult shouldn’t have a curfew and no he shouldn’t cut his night short because your mates moved away and you’re lonely but that’s too much with such tiny kids. Once a month would be a more appropriate and fair frequency.

The younger 1 is 3 months and he really can't look after both 3 month old and 20 month old atm. We trialled it and it was too much. I do get time to shower and exercise but anymore with the 2 is too stressful

If you can manage them day in day out and he’s a healthy adult then of course he could manage them for a few hours. Unless you’ve forgotten to mention that he has a serious medical condition then it sounds like strategic incompetence to me.

Thanks everyone. I can see IABU and it's just unfortunate that I am friendless and lonely atm! I probably have some underlying ppd/ppa and will hopefully feel better when the 2 are older and if/when I get back to work etc. I am grateful as I don't want to cause issues in my relationship.

Will head off to bed as exhausted and the 3 month old has been starving/not sleeping as well this last week.

DH and I don’t have curfews for each other.

He ‘trialled it’ and deliberately failed, unless he has some sort of disability, in which case fair enough.

Why can you but he can’t? If he can’t manage he needs to learn and be better.

I know it’s not easy, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t try.

2 separate issues here imo.

1. unreasonable to expect a curfew on a grown man! But I see you’ve realised that already
2. Why can’t he look after both children? You are expected to, so why can’t he? You need some time to yourself or you will be miserable and ultimately ill.

‘it’s too much for him’ is not an acceptable response

Unfortunately you've asked the wrong question and without enough context.

Base question: is it unreasonable to want my husband home before midnight so I can chat to him before I go to sleep? At first glance, yes, unreasonable.

Actual situation: am I unreasonable to not want my husband to go out for 8 hours every week leaving me with two children when I can't leave him with even one child for more than half a day and therefore get zero time to myself? No, absolutely not unreasonable.

You have a much bigger problem than him not being home by midnight. Are you really married to a man who, presumably holds down a full time job, is capable of navigating out to get drunk with friends once a week, and yet is so inept he can’t look after his own two children for more than the time it takes you to have a shower?

My nephew is a (very young) 25 year old, who honestly was a bit of a waster and still is a bit, but he is capable of looking after a baby and a toddler. A difficult baby and a tornado of a toddler, all day if he needs to whilst his partner has time with her friends or is at work. He is capable of this because he realised when he became a parent, looking after them was his job. And the toddler isn’t even biologically his!

I don’t think you are BU.

You and your husband have a baby and a 20 month old, that he never looks after on his own.

He buggers off out every weekend with his mates for hours on end, leaving you on your own with his children, and then comes back really late and disturbs you knowing you’re tired and feeling fed up.

YANBU.

This

Given all your comments... no, I don't think you are unreasonable. Being out to midnight wouldn't bother me per session because I'd be in bed with the baby long before. But being out from essentially lunchtime or shortly thereafter one day every weekend would absolutely annoy me. He's acting like a single man with no responsibilities when in fact you are at home constantly with 2 young kids (one of whom is completely reliant on you 24/7).

Also, as an aside, he needs to sleep on the couch or spare bedroom after drinking. Please please do not allow him in the bed whilst you cosleep.

So he gets 8 hours a week and he can't mind his own two children for an hour?

Selfish loser OP.
Every week is too much.
He needs to pull his finger out and mind his children.

He sounds like a selfish loser.
I breast fed and left my husband with with a few day old babies while i took our older child out for 1 on 1, for an hour.

Does he disturb you coming in?
If he does, even more selfish.

I'm with you. It's more than late enough. He can't act like a childless young man.

100% agree!!

Staying out with friends boozing up till midnight, every week, leaving dw at home with 2 small babies which he is unable to care for on his own for even a couple of hours YOU are NOT being unreasonable but you have a serious issue of a husband!!

Yes uou might need to work on your friendships but id imagine you are to bloody exhausted to make a go of it now. Also craving some adult talk is totally normal x