AIBU to expect DH home before midnight

[ThatPithyZebra]

Objective opinions appreciated.

AIBU to expect DH home before midnight when he sees friends? Friend group meeting up and he will see them for at least 8 hours if he comes home earlier. I'm a SAHM and we have 2 kids under 2. He feels seeing friends for less than 3/4h is pointless. Once kids are asleep it's easy but it would be nice as it can disrupt our sleep as we are cosleeping too. I am self aware and realise part of my need is wanting to spend maybe 30 mins chatting to him before bed. Otherwise I won't see him until the next day, which is a work day.

Her husband is by not being able to manage to cope with his own little children.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Going out for 8 hours once a week when you have a 3 month old is mad. Is your husband cosleeping too as that would be dangerous if he's drinking? If you're exclusively breastfeeding your husband should be stepping in and taking the kids in the short windows you're not feeding them to give you a much needed break. Really sorry you're in this position.

I don’t think the return time would bother me but once a week is a lot given your situation. I think that’s a bit of a pisstake.

He will never learn to cope if he never has them. No one is expecting the main carer to suddenly disappear for an entire weekend, but they start by going for 1 hour or 2 and build it.

What is it to "cope with" anyway? You just get on with it. Babies don't come with a manual and women don't know more than men. They just do because they have to. So do men when the mum is unavailable.

That's the thing She has 2 children. If she's not working how comes she doesn't have " mummy friends" from the first one

I see you didn’t read the thread. Her husband is stopping her.

8 hours with friends is excessive, 2 or at the most 3 hours should be enough- why is he so much keener to see friends than his wife and family?

She said the few friends she tried making weren't very reliable at meeting up, not sure if she want to 'mummy' groups but her baby wasn't that old when she got pregnant again and perhaps she was exhausted.

Either way, it's not uncommon for new mothers to be isolated, and some will isolate themselves by choice because they prefer the family bubble, she's not trying to talk to him 24/7 and it's perfectly reasonable to want to chat to your husband every night.

surely of you're cosleepingvyoure in bed long before midnight so any time is a disruption? od be more concerned with how drunk he is if you cosleep. if he's drinking, he needs to sleep on the sofa

is it too much because 3 months old needs breastfeeding lots or because his penis incapacitates him from doing what you do for hours on end every single day? does he have a disability that means it's particularly difficult? it's not meant to be easy, but it is his kids and his job to care for them!

because not every one finds it easy to make mommy friends!! I did NCT so had a built in friendship group for the first year or so, but general play groups can be hard to make friends at, those structures activity ones near impossible to make friends at, eldest isn't at nursery or school yet

Wow are we attacking a mum of 2 young dc for not having enough friends now?

I don’t think you are unreasonable OP. Why can’t he look after his own children so you can go out and have a break? Why have a second if he finds the first such hard work?

He’s got a lovely life, going out weekly with no expectations of ever doing the heavy lifting of looking after his own children while his wife is stuck at home.

Most events don't finish till that time. Make sure they have a safe way of getting home/staying with a friend. 11pm at the weekend is not that late.

Oh dear, it’s too stressful for him 🎻

Unfortunately he’s decided to have two children and he now needs to parent two children. It’s not really something he gets to opt out of because it’s ‘too stressful’.

Yes, two young children can be stressful, it’s stressful for mums too which is why they need a break.

Oh well It's not the kind of thing I ever actually did as was at work by the time my first 2 were 3 to 4 months old respectively.
But used to see lots of the " mummy crew" hanging about in the church cafe after coming out of toddler groups etc

They all seemed to be friendly enough.

Not attacking merely asking. And it is a bit unreasonable to expect one person to provide everything for you
.id feel extremely pressured if someone expected me to financially support them, take equal share of kid and be their whole social / emotional support network.

My 16 year old came home at midnight. He was at a party after the school. A lot of his friends stayed even later. They have all just finished GCSES. I don’t think that is particularly late. I will probably say 11pm for this summer holidays.

well until he can care for his own baby for a couple of hours it’s not unreasonable at all, since she’s pretty tied to the baby they had together. It would be different if he were an active parent and she had a chance to consider going out and meeting people.

She just wanted him to come home at a reasonable time.
It doesn't in any way sound like she has unreasonable or unrealistic expectations of him at all.
She doesn't expect him to be home all the time, she's not asking for him to do an equal share with the kid, she's not trying to talk to him 24/7, and from the little that she said I highly doubt he's much of an emotional support either.

It's pretty awful that you're trying to suggest she's asking too much of this man, she's really not, she's not asking for enough from him.

He can just about give her enough time to shower and exercise before he gets stressed the poor mite.

Sorry but you have to either be on the wind up or had your kids decades ago when things were different. Or both. It's 2026 and the norm that both parents are involved and share the load. OP isn't asking for any of the things you've just mentioned. She simply would like her husband to come home at the time he said he would. It's completely normal at 3 months postpartum, while breastfeeding, to feel isolated and lacking in adult interaction. My second is 10 months now I'm out of the trenches somewhat now, but I would have thought my husband had lost the plot if he was going out partying for 8 hours once a week while I was stuck at home. For the first few months it was all hands on deck from both of us.

Yes it's normal. My daughter ( who has a toddler so gave birth less than 2 years ago) shares childcare with her husband. He looked after the baby while she was at work( from 4 months) and vice versa. Obviously they contribute equally ( well she actually earns more) but both gave other friends and family to talk to. One isn't putting all the pressure on the other one to provide all this

So who is then? not the OP anyway

She's certainly putting pressure on her DH to be the only adult she speaks to.

Christ, I'd be very unimpressed if my DP imposed a curfew on me because he couldn't survive a day without chatting to me for 30 minutes before bed.