First anniversary - mismatch in effort

[Skethylita]

DP and I have our first anniversary in a week. Today he told me that he will not have the money or time to "splash out" on our first anniversary.

I have had a gift sorted for many months - a homemade gift that involved many hours of time and effort (and yes, money, too) that I am trying to get finished in time for next week. He knows about this gift as we have had a traumatic event a few months back and I shared with him what I was working on to cheer us up. He knows when our anniversary is as we will go back to the place we first met at.

I asked him what his plans were before his money concerns and he said a taxi there and back and a little something (he won't tell me what, to save it for the next one). I told him I was disappointed. Not because of the monetary value, but because I expected some thought and effort that wasn't being left until the last minute.

We're both busy and in demanding jobs. We both have had things on full time the last few weeks. But he knew this was coming. He knew how much effort I was putting in. Normally, he is very thoughtful. He also has money (in savings), but his everyday spends are run down this month. Money wouldn't have mattered either way, but I feel like he's setting me up for a bunch of generic flowers if I'm lucky. We have a great relationship otherwise.

It's not about money, but about lack of thought. I told him that much and am quite disappointed. AIBU?

Yes, YABU - Gifts don't matter, even when effort is clearly and knowingly mismatched.
No, YANBU - He knew this was coming and what you put in. He should have got his arse in gear earlier.

You have every right to expect a bit of thought/effort. Your anniversary is not a surprise - he should have planned better! If I were in his shoes I would be dipping into my savings and then paying myself back after the next payday.

It just seems like a lot of fuss for a year. It’s really not a significant milestone in a relationship.

When I told him I was disappointed all I got back was that he has just got the time, with things going on at the moment, and that he will have to spend his money on the things that are currently breaking in his house. Like he is making excuses, when this could have been sorted a while ago.

Sounds like he is being practical not emotional. Sounds fine to me, but I’m not arsed about showy shit for anniversaries. How the marriage is going is far more important than this one thing. Focus on that.

Isn't first anniversary represented by paper? A small effort would t cost much at all like a lovely notebook (or a fifty pound note). He is a thoughtless bugger since her knee you were making an effort.

Sounds like you just have different ideas and expectations for these sorts of things. Try and have a discussion about events in general - anniversaries, Christmas, birthdays etc.
we discussed it early on and were both on the same page - neither of us likes a fuss and keep things very minimal. I’d struggle if one of us wanted something quite different to the other.
neither of you are being inherently unreasonable, but you have different views.

It is in ours, which is moving very fast in terms of commitment. Which I won't debate here. The relationship is perfect otherwise and he is normally a very thoughtful man.

Part of me is hoping he is trying to set me up for disappointment only to actually show some thought later on. He did similar for my birthday a few months in. But this time - I don't know why - it feels so much more sincere.

I'm not trying to nit pick but if you aren't married or engaged what exactly is this First Anniversary? I would be hard pressed to remember dates that weren't marked by an event like an official engagement or marriage and I would think it very strange to expect a fuss or present over anniversary of first meeting or first date.

How old are you? It’s only been one year and it seems really excessive for you to have had a present sorted for “many months” (how many? You haven’t even been together 12 months?!) that you’re spending a lot of time and money on.

have you had a discussion before now about what you expected?

I might be wrong but I don’t think it’s their wedding anniversary - I think it’s their anniversary of being a couple

This is relationship anniversary and not a wedding anniversary, right? So you've been dating for a year?

I'm inclined to agree. Whilst I'm not advocating him not making any effort, it does feel like you have very high expectations. Our wedding anniversaries generally involve a meal out and chocolates or similar.

Edited to say I assumed wedding anniversary. I sort of understand it more as a relationship anniversary when everything is still fairly new. I still think planning for months is a bit OTT.

Maybe wait until after the day before moaning...he may surprise you.

OK, I thought you were overreacting when I misunderstood and thought it was an actual wedding anniversary. This is just that you have been together a year? That's nothing I’m afraid. There is no need to give gifts and make a big deal out of this. I might have mentioned ‘oh it’s been a year’ in passing but that would be it.

If things are moving fast as per your update, that's a red flag not a reason to throw more stuff at this guy. I think you're posting because something inside you knows this relationship isn't right.

Are you married? One year isn’t really a milestone so give him a break.

Are you not married? This is weird and you have unreasonably high expectations of him.

I didn't get my DH an anniversary present until we were married.

I think it's sometimes tricky in a partnership where anniversaries are a bit more nebulous. He should however have taken the hint when you discussed what you were creating for him. That should have been a big clue to him to come up with something of similar sentiment.

What did he do for your birthday, OP? Was it thoughtful/did he put in some effort?

Yes, we discussed this anniversary for a while. It is significant in many ways that I won't go into here, but we've both come a long way from where we were a year back. Not in terms of the relationship (which has always been strong), but all the things surrounding our lives.

Suffice to say we're no spring chickens. My gift involves a record of our journey that I started a few months in. Imagine a fully edited film involving all the videos of our travels across the world and the part of the world we eventually settled in. Something that takes equipment and editing and therefore a lot of time, money and effort.

It is if it means something to your spouse.

Who are you to say its not a significant milestone?

Sorry OP, but I too think you're investing too much into this, bearing in mind you don't even appear to live together. I'm assuming this, as you refer to 'his' house. I think you should perhaps wait and see what happens on the day, and if he doesn't treat you in the way you want/expect him to, then maybe at this stage in the relationship you should be slowing things down, and making sure that he really IS the man for you, before you even consider taking things further.

You are right. I missed that. In that case nothing more than an acknowledgement is really needed or a nice dinner at home if necessary.

That sounds extremely performative to me, and not about you celebrating the relationship but you saying “look at me and all I do for YOU!!”

You are far too intense and that would have me running for the hills.

The relationship is perfect otherwise and he is normally a very thoughtful man.

So why are you moaning then? Perfect relationship with a very thoughtful man. Win.

He likes me the way I am - intense as that may be. Again, that's not up for debate. Neither is the pace at which our relationship is moving. We are happy with that.

On reflection, I believe I'm more disappointed because he raised my expectations first - he has brought up our anniversary a few times in the last few months.