First anniversary - mismatch in effort

[Skethylita]

DP and I have our first anniversary in a week. Today he told me that he will not have the money or time to "splash out" on our first anniversary.

I have had a gift sorted for many months - a homemade gift that involved many hours of time and effort (and yes, money, too) that I am trying to get finished in time for next week. He knows about this gift as we have had a traumatic event a few months back and I shared with him what I was working on to cheer us up. He knows when our anniversary is as we will go back to the place we first met at.

I asked him what his plans were before his money concerns and he said a taxi there and back and a little something (he won't tell me what, to save it for the next one). I told him I was disappointed. Not because of the monetary value, but because I expected some thought and effort that wasn't being left until the last minute.

We're both busy and in demanding jobs. We both have had things on full time the last few weeks. But he knew this was coming. He knew how much effort I was putting in. Normally, he is very thoughtful. He also has money (in savings), but his everyday spends are run down this month. Money wouldn't have mattered either way, but I feel like he's setting me up for a bunch of generic flowers if I'm lucky. We have a great relationship otherwise.

It's not about money, but about lack of thought. I told him that much and am quite disappointed. AIBU?

Yes, YABU - Gifts don't matter, even when effort is clearly and knowingly mismatched.
No, YANBU - He knew this was coming and what you put in. He should have got his arse in gear earlier.

Gently OP, anyone is setting themselves up for a lifetime of disappointment if they expect everyone to express their feelings the same way they do.
DH and I only remember our wedding anniversary about 50% of the time, and have never exchanged gifts for it, but that’s just because our way of expressing those feelings is different - not necessarily better, just different.
Maybe your DP just doesn’t feel the same way as you about expressing feelings through elaborate hand made gifts. Talk to him about how he thinks he IS expressing his feelings.

Bit of a jump. I told him I was doing this because the friend who introduced us had suddenly died. The film had already edited bits of him in that were a lovely memory, so I showed it to him, together with the rest that was already done.

He wasn't railroaded into anything.

So have you made this video for him to show your love etc or because you want something similar back?

Why don't you see what the little something is before you jump the gun.
At this early stage you could end up pushing him away!
I think you're over investing.

They've been together for coming up to a year, I think that's the point of the thread.

So is it in memorium of your friend, or a celebration of your relationship?

Anniversaries aren't important so I don't know what the fuss is about. I don't remember the last time we even mentioned anniversary never mind did anything for it. Either way it's only the first anniversary anyway so even less of a thing.

Edited. I thought it was a wedding anniversary!! This is even more ridiculous if it's just a year of going out together.

@ForBusyOliveBear I made this video for him.

But I don't think it's too much to ask for a little thought and effort, given that's what he had hinted at before.

Imagine having had lots of little comments from "I should get you a shirt with that printed on", "I should buy you that album for later reference", "I should get that engraved on a bracelet for you" throughout the last few months and then finding out that - in contrast to previous occasions - nothing was arranged for this. None of those would have cost anything much beyond a little time and planning, and maybe £10-20.

The video itself is celebrating our relationship. However, there are segments of other, significant people in our lives in there, of course. We don't exist in a vacuum.

None of that is particularly special though, it’s just Not On The High Street type stuff. The bunch of flowers would probably actually cost more and be the same amount of effort. Instead of expressing your disappointment in advance, why don’t you just wait to see how it goes?

How many bloody occasions have you had over just one year! He is probably fed up with trying to keep you happy. I certainly would be.

You wont make it to your second anniversary if you carry on like this. Men generally dont bother about these sort of things in the same way as women and when they do then I think thats a bit weird, but it doesnt mean he doesnt care and he has told you in advance so if you want this relationship to last then give him your present and dont say anything about his lack of one or anything special. Im happily married and have learned to accept the fact that my husband does not and never has thought along the lines you think your partner should. Last year for my birthday he bought me a tyre pressure guage and this year I bought him a new hosepipe. Our anniversay is in August and usually I only remember the day before and he seems surprised when I tell him!!!

Are you both really young? First relationship?

I’m probably not best placed to answer here as I’m not really very sentimental or into anniversaries. What I will say, however, is that I’d be quite angry if DH dipped into his savings to get me an anniversary present. It’s not necessary and savings are for saving, not for spending.

But do you actually know what he has / has not done or planned for your one-year anniversary of commencing dating yet?

ive read all your updates but can’t work out if this is your 1st wedding anniversary as in you are actually married or 1 year being a couple?

They’ve been a couple for 1 year.

And maybe he will still get you those things, it might just not be on the big day.

I don't think my previous comment was 'a bit of a jump' based on the information given in your OP, which was you making a big deal about what YOU were doing for HIM and your disappointment it didn't look like he was going to match that effort. An effort that you chose to make as, from your first description, a gift for the anniversary.

It feels like this thread isn't going your way so you have changed the story a bit. It's now about him hinting and not delivering, whereas at the start it was all about the effort you were putting in and wanting him to match it.

I'm genuinely sorry for your loss, btw, but I stand by my point that, based on your OP, that this sounds transactional. You made a point of saying, 'he knows what I'm doing', as though that means a choice you made gives you certain expectations rights, when it really doesn't.

Sweater curse.

In knitting and crochet circles, there is the sweater curse in which if you make a significant other a sweater then the relationship ends. Some say it’s before you’re married and doesn’t happen once you’re married, some say it happens at whatever stage your relationship is. It also doesn’t have to be a sweater/jumper, just something big that takes a lot of time and money to make.

There is debate about how true the curse is but essentially it highlights in a relationship where things are uneven. So usually if there is an unequal distribution in effort, the making of the sweater will highlight this and it’ll result in the end of the relationship.

It’s better that you find out now rather than years down the line that you’re not matching each other’s energy.

Maybe he does have something planned but personally I hate the phase out. I don’t see why someone who supposedly loves you would want to create disappointment for days ahead just so the reveal can be better.

It sounds like you’ve had a busy year and visited lots of nice places, maybe with how special your gift is he feels he can’t match it? It sounds very special.

This! I'd run a mile and then a few more if someone was this intense. I struggled to remember a wedding anniversary let alone the day we met.

It's each to their own OP. You're clearly into this type of thing but many people aren't. He isn't wrong to not be bothered about it, it's just an area in which you're incompatible. You both need to decide how important that incompatibility is.

This thread has made me feel terribly guilty.

In our marriage my husband is the one who does sensational thoughtful gifts which take lots of time effort and energy.

I always make an effort, but nowhere near as much as him.

But he has never once been annoyed or upset about it, I think because he partly does it for me, but partly because he enjoys doing it and he is a big one for doing everything properly, if it's a paper anniversary then the gift must be paper theme (flowers made from the pages of the map of the route he proposed on).

I think if you like putting in lots of effort for milestones then you need to be ok with the other person making a moderate amount of effort if its not their thing to do creative expressive gifts. Otherwise you're just setting yourself up for a fall.

It's all about expectations - my husband doesn't do that stuff with the expectation I will reciprocate in-kind, he knows its not my thing, he does it because he wants to make the gesture. That's how gifts work.

I am also going to start planning next year's gift now you've made me think of it though. I do feel bad. Damn that thoughtful man.

First wedding anniversary is paper
its supposed to be something small
a picture, a photo, a note, a poem ! Something simple

Hmm. Red flags there. Why is it moving so quickly?

‘he was expecting a taxi there and back and a little something’ A taxi where? The local chippy? Paris?