First anniversary - mismatch in effort

[Skethylita]

DP and I have our first anniversary in a week. Today he told me that he will not have the money or time to "splash out" on our first anniversary.

I have had a gift sorted for many months - a homemade gift that involved many hours of time and effort (and yes, money, too) that I am trying to get finished in time for next week. He knows about this gift as we have had a traumatic event a few months back and I shared with him what I was working on to cheer us up. He knows when our anniversary is as we will go back to the place we first met at.

I asked him what his plans were before his money concerns and he said a taxi there and back and a little something (he won't tell me what, to save it for the next one). I told him I was disappointed. Not because of the monetary value, but because I expected some thought and effort that wasn't being left until the last minute.

We're both busy and in demanding jobs. We both have had things on full time the last few weeks. But he knew this was coming. He knew how much effort I was putting in. Normally, he is very thoughtful. He also has money (in savings), but his everyday spends are run down this month. Money wouldn't have mattered either way, but I feel like he's setting me up for a bunch of generic flowers if I'm lucky. We have a great relationship otherwise.

It's not about money, but about lack of thought. I told him that much and am quite disappointed. AIBU?

Yes, YABU - Gifts don't matter, even when effort is clearly and knowingly mismatched.
No, YANBU - He knew this was coming and what you put in. He should have got his arse in gear earlier.

are you sure you are matched? It doesnt sound like it OP - i would find your gift intimidating if im honest... its your love language - not his, he is probably going to struggle to keep up...

From the way you were talking I thought it was a wedding anniversary. Making a big deal out of a dating anniversary is over the top. It also sounds like you don't live together (him needing to spend on fixing stuff in his house), so it's basically boyfriend/girlfriend? That's not an "anniversary".

Slaving over some mawkish ick-giving video while expecting reciprocity is too much.

Has the op answered how old they are?

If he wanted less, he'd go find it. But he doesn't.

The doom mongers on here are almost funny. No, he isn't withdrawing, quite the opposite.

Anyway, we talked it out like the grown adults we are. We understand each other's perspective a lot better now. He himself also admitted he left it a bit late, given the initial plans.

That film? He is not the type to watch it once and stow it away. He himself has actively contributed to it since I first showed him what I was doing ans has seen bits and pieces since. Hard as that may be for people to believe, he likes it. A lot. I do tend to think about presents for others that they'd love.

My child's off to university gift was planned for over a year, too 😮

Sorry OP but you sound like hard work. I can’t imagine planning a gift for my child leaving for university a year in advance. And I will be in that position very soon. Doesn’t it just make it all about you? Seems really performative to me.

You sound very needy . Some people just aren’t into celebrating the little things. And it is a little thing.

I’m with this saying it’s not a big deal. You’re free to give him the labour of your love. He’s free to express his devotion however he chooses. The point is that you both know how the other person feels about you, that those feelings are matched. My DH is a man of very few words but those he utters are sincere, heartfelt, thought-through. He doesn’t have to spend any money, he doesn’t have to make any efforts (although he does do that from time to time, also) and honestly after all this time together it’s really not necessary. The small daily acts of consideration and appreciation a thought matter much much more, and add up to much much more too than an annual show. All we need to know is that we’re still there for the other, together, with our futures promised to the other. The rest is just fluff - which is fun, but hardly what matters.

I think it’s really lovely the effort you went to and I do understand that it would be disappointing to not have the same level of effort reciprocated but people are just different and see things like this differently. I’m probably your partner in this scenario as a year after my partner and I met he bought me a lovely gift and booked a meal at a very fancy restaurant and I did precisely… nothing. I didn’t see a year after meeting as anything remotely significant, no more than 11 or 13 months and I’m not a thoughtless person, birthdays/Christmases/fathers days etc he gets a hell of a lot of effort, preparation and thoughtfulness, but the one year thing I’m just never going to understand it

It is a shame when gift giving and anniversaries become a competition.

This is your first anniversary and so there is no precedent for it. Clearly your expectations are different from his.

Please don't let it become a source if friction.

Has he had a personality transplant since you married or was he always like this and you married him hoping he would magically change?

If he's generally thoughtless and doesn't put on any effort I'd say it's a problem. DH and I are married 16 years and there are huge variances between us for various occasions.

This year he completely forgot about Mother's Day until the night before, another year I completely forgot about our wedding anniversary and he had put in huge effort.

It doesn't really matter though as we both put effort into our relationship throughout the year, it's not just focused on the big "milestones"

You have different expectations. This is good to know early on in the relationship so you can decide what you want to do about it.

elaborate in land would be a turn off for me, each to their own.

You mentioned it not being about the money quite a lot of times.

I would be disappointed if he made out months ago like he was going to bother to do something special then changed his mind last minute, regardless of what kind of anniversary/event is being celebrated. I understand it's only a 1 year relationship anniversary celebration, but hardly setting up strong foundations if he's messing about like this now.

Idk, if he ends up not doing anything of actual effort or value I would be having a conversation with him about my expectations for the future. I was always very clear with my ex about what I expected in terms of effort on such occasions, etc. It's always best to discuss it early to avoid this happening. Communication is key.

She hasn’t even married him

Oooooooohhhhhh

I assumed you were in your 20s and in your first serious relationship. You have a child at University?!

you ask a question in AIBU. The majority of posters say , ‘Yes, YABU, and over the top’ ; but instead of considering this you get overly defensive, and super keen to point out how amazing you are, how amazing he thinks you are and how wondwrful
everything Is.

why did you bother posting ?

You sound hard work and a little dramatic!

You mentioned it not being about the money quite a lot of times.
There are posters here insistent I am grabby. And when I don't have the time to post (because I do have a life on occasion 😉) they go down a rabbit hole - in the latest case, that my partner is subtly trying to leave me. I like to remind them of actual facts at times.

I can’t imagine planning a gift for my child leaving for university a year in advance. And I will be in that position very soon. Doesn’t it just make it all about you?
No, it's not a thing you can just buy on the high street that my child wanted. In fact, it's the individual touches that make everything so much more personal. I also hand make cards, compose music, give home-baked goods away, sew clothes for others and make pottery items. Everything is personalised to suit whoever gets the gift. But these things can take time. Better than a generic wash set for Christmas, no?

If he's generally thoughtless and doesn't put on any effort I'd say it's a problem.
I'd say he generally isn't, and that's why the disappointment was there at first. I can honestly say I've been spoilt rotten with thoughtfulness so far (and he had hinted at doing something special for our anniversary).

you ask a question in AIBU. The majority of posters say , ‘Yes, YABU, and over the top’ ; but instead of considering this you get overly defensive, and super keen to point out how amazing you are, how amazing he thinks you are and how wondwrful everything Is. why did you bother posting ?
Yes, I sometimes forget that there is a very particular set of women responding in AIBU. You'd think I'd have learned after 20+ years on this forum.

But to respond to a few things: It's not overly defensive to say that posters are wrong and yes, he likes my gift. That yes, my relationship really is wonderful. That doesn't mean I don't have questions at times. I've not had a great time with relationships prior to this one and this man is everything I could wish for and then some.

I posted to gain a few other views, which is what any healthy person should do sometimes. Doesn't mean I have to agree, but it helped a lot. Just a shame so many posters on here are so unhappy with their lot that they have to lash out unnecessarily and be extremely rude.

I might be hard work for some on here, but those who know me in real life say I'm the easiest woman they've ever dealt with. I just have standards.

So, thank you to those who have responded respectfully and kindly. We won't let this get in the way of our relationship. I gather he's been looking at rings. So if it happens next week or next year, there'll be a big and thoughtful surprise there yet.

You’re talking as if we extorted the information out of you. You were the one who posted about how unhappy you were with what happened and people gave varied views and advice. You can’t blame people for commenting on the short length of time you’ve been together and assuming that might be why your partner reacted as he did. You’ve received lots of very balanced reactions (and maybe a few harsh once, but that’s normal) but nothing anyone has said has been good enough, so I think your opinion of yourself (the easiest woman anyone could deal with) is not what others see. I don’t understand how you can berate people for sharing views you openly invited.

Sorry, I should say congrats on the upcoming engagement- I didn’t mean to overlook that, it’s very exciting.

I invited thoughts on the subject, not on my personality.

Thank you. He's been getting a lot of advice on that one. Funnily enough all the advice he's shared from others doesn't really pair up with my preferences. Turns out I am a rather cheap prospective fiancee.

I guess if this is normal for your relationship then you're not being unreasonable within your partnership. I much prefer the way my husband and I do things, which is sometimes if someone is struggling then they can't do very much, and then they are likely to be in a position to put in a great deal of effort another time. What with birthdays and Christmas and mother's day etc etc we personally can't do everything 100% and that's fine with me.