First anniversary - mismatch in effort

[Skethylita]

DP and I have our first anniversary in a week. Today he told me that he will not have the money or time to "splash out" on our first anniversary.

I have had a gift sorted for many months - a homemade gift that involved many hours of time and effort (and yes, money, too) that I am trying to get finished in time for next week. He knows about this gift as we have had a traumatic event a few months back and I shared with him what I was working on to cheer us up. He knows when our anniversary is as we will go back to the place we first met at.

I asked him what his plans were before his money concerns and he said a taxi there and back and a little something (he won't tell me what, to save it for the next one). I told him I was disappointed. Not because of the monetary value, but because I expected some thought and effort that wasn't being left until the last minute.

We're both busy and in demanding jobs. We both have had things on full time the last few weeks. But he knew this was coming. He knew how much effort I was putting in. Normally, he is very thoughtful. He also has money (in savings), but his everyday spends are run down this month. Money wouldn't have mattered either way, but I feel like he's setting me up for a bunch of generic flowers if I'm lucky. We have a great relationship otherwise.

It's not about money, but about lack of thought. I told him that much and am quite disappointed. AIBU?

Yes, YABU - Gifts don't matter, even when effort is clearly and knowingly mismatched.
No, YANBU - He knew this was coming and what you put in. He should have got his arse in gear earlier.

I don’t think they are married.

YABVVU.

Because you enjoy collating and editing and making a film, doesn't mean he needs to. That kind of activity isn't about him and what he wants, it is about you and what you want. Absolutely fine to create some sort of edited video to remind you of a holiday or a special day if that's what you want to do but don't pretend it is all for him. You are doing it because you want to.

As a pp said, why does you wanting to make a big fuss trump him not wanting to make a big fuss ?

Yes, we discussed this anniversary for a while…

You mean you keep rabbiting on about it and he is going along with it to keep the peace.

KOKO and I’ll bet good money that he’ll get the ick. If not this year then the next.

Seriously, you need to slow down!

Oh my, it seems like you are suffocating him. Its not even 1 year of marriage which would be more of a milestone. You need to ease off on your expectations of him I think.

I didn't realise anniversaries were A Thing when a couple isn't actually married.
It also seems a bit odd to have been planning a gift for months, ie since the very beginning of the relationship?
The OP is quite defensive about how perfect everything else is, but I would say that the extreme fuss about this anniversary could be very offputting for the partner. What's wrong with a card, and a bottle of wine with dinner, if it's essential that this date is marked?

It matters to you. It doesn’t seem to matter to him at all.

I’m not saying you’re wrong to feel like you do about this, but I wouldn’t take it as an indicator of his attitude to the whole relationship.

I have a friend whose husband was full of thoughtful romantic gestures. He cheated on her multiple times, gaslighted her, and then dumped her.

What even is an anniversary if you aren’t married? Anniversary of what exactly? Ok maybe if you had some sort of formal “will you be my girlfriend/boyfriend” conversation, but most adults don’t do that do they?

DP and I dont celebrate an anniversary and frankly I have no idea what day I would mark if we did. Day we met? First date? First kiss?

It all seems a little contrived to me

Meh really this wouldn’t bother me at all, then again I wouldn’t be going to such a big effort as you are.

You say your relationship has moved quickly in terms of commitment, but then that he needs to make repairs at his house (I empathize - I've had to replace my furnace, water heater, roof, air conditioner, windows, and siding in the past two years). Do you even live together?

How has he raised your expectations regarding the anniversary? You say he's brought it up, but I wouldn't think saying, "hey, it's our first anniversary next month," should really raise expectations. "I'm going to take you to Paris for the week for our first anniversary," would.

Is this what you mean when you said he "kept referring" to your anniversary coming up, and "Especially since he was the one who raised the expectations in the first place"? Or was that something else?

you seem quite money orientated and grabby. Expecting him to dip into savings etc.

sounds like you have planned to go to where you first met but this isn’t enough effort for you?

He has warned you he is low on money this month & has house things to fix, thats more of a priority than being frivolous.

not sure why you have so much focus on the anniversary either. Maybe end it & find someone with more disposable income & who is more materialistic to match what you want

Sounds like he isn't making excuses but distancing himself from you. Doesn't matter what he does, you won't be happy.

I’d use this as a discussion of expectations going forward. What cost / effort do you both see as reasonable going forward due birthdays/ Christmas/ anniversaries. Then when you both have an idea b what to expect go from there.

OP We have a photo album of our wedding. We've looked at it once - the day we received it. You will probably find your boyfriend watches the film once and never again. It's best to focus on the future not dwell on the past...

I agree with this. @Skethylita I’ve looked at all of your posts and I can see now that you’re saying this is out of character for him, and you expected more due to the amount of effort you’ve put into your gift. People have pointed out that a year is still a very new relationship but you’re saying it’s been very full on the whole time and you’ve been equally enamoured with each other since you first got together, so sadly, it does look as if he’s pulling away. If this is salvageable, it’s probably not a good idea to let him know how badly he’s let you down but maybe have a chat with him when you’re feeling less sore.

You sound like you are living in some kind of weird fantasy land where other people need to meet YOUR expectations. Not everyone bothers with anniversaries so maybe it's a much bigger deal to you than it is to him. You need to have an honest conversation about values, hopes, expectations. It's not necessary for you both to be the same to have a good relationship, but it is necessary that you have conversations to find out how you each see things and be respectful and understanding of differences.

Some of these replies are absolute bs. You told him it was important to you. Having a nice, thoughtful gift isn't a fantasy. Year 1, we were flat broke, so I made DW a bunch of paper roses and a card. Not an artistic masterpiece, but a bit of effort. He needs to yank his head out his arse and put some work in.

Who is to say he isn't going to surprise her? Wait until after if you want to start moaning 🤣.

Why is it all about what’s important to OP though?

You’ve been with your boyfriend for nearly a year, at the moment you sound like hard work.

Imagine having had lots of little comments from "I should get you a shirt with that printed on", "I should buy you that album for later reference", "I should get that engraved on a bracelet for you" throughout the last few months and then finding out that - in contrast to previous occasions - nothing was arranged for this.

Is this what you’re referring to when you say he’s been raising expectations? To me these are just offhand comments and I wouldn’t perceive them to mean that someone was making actual plans.
I’ll quite often say “oh, I must got one of those for you!” as a joke or a passing remark to my DH with no intention of actually doing so.

DH and I don’t celebrate anniversaries at all, barely even remember the date… Just isn’t important to us. We’re like you - busy with hectic careers and also have 5 DC so we have far bigger fish to fry. I think in future just don’t make a big effort so you don’t wind up disappointed like this.

Gifts are your love language. They're not his.

If you have a good relationship, I really wouldn't worry. My late wonderful husband was shit at birthdays and anniversaries, but that was just him. Value your DP while you have him.