First anniversary - mismatch in effort

[Skethylita]

DP and I have our first anniversary in a week. Today he told me that he will not have the money or time to "splash out" on our first anniversary.

I have had a gift sorted for many months - a homemade gift that involved many hours of time and effort (and yes, money, too) that I am trying to get finished in time for next week. He knows about this gift as we have had a traumatic event a few months back and I shared with him what I was working on to cheer us up. He knows when our anniversary is as we will go back to the place we first met at.

I asked him what his plans were before his money concerns and he said a taxi there and back and a little something (he won't tell me what, to save it for the next one). I told him I was disappointed. Not because of the monetary value, but because I expected some thought and effort that wasn't being left until the last minute.

We're both busy and in demanding jobs. We both have had things on full time the last few weeks. But he knew this was coming. He knew how much effort I was putting in. Normally, he is very thoughtful. He also has money (in savings), but his everyday spends are run down this month. Money wouldn't have mattered either way, but I feel like he's setting me up for a bunch of generic flowers if I'm lucky. We have a great relationship otherwise.

It's not about money, but about lack of thought. I told him that much and am quite disappointed. AIBU?

Yes, YABU - Gifts don't matter, even when effort is clearly and knowingly mismatched.
No, YANBU - He knew this was coming and what you put in. He should have got his arse in gear earlier.

When women should raise the bar?

This isn’t a feminist issue.
It’s you planning a more elaborate gift than the occasion required issue.

What a load of shit 🤣

Yes YABU @Skethylita

I love this. I really do.

Where has the quote gone? I was quoting @IsItTheBlackOneOrTheRedOne

“Stuffed” as in you’ll dump him if he doesn’t celebrate you to your expectations?
what are your expectations? I’m now picturing a Glee-esque “just the way you are” public sign out.. you said he accepts you the way you are, but do you accept him the way he is?

No money, fine

no time????? I'd dump him for that sorry

Well i'd also dump him for having no money but thats neither here or there 😭

We barely remember our wedding anniversary, so I’m a bit surprised at this gift you’ve been planning for many months as a year together really isn’t that long. I think at this stage in your relationship his priorities are valid. You might be putting a lot of unwanted pressure on him.

Although I do kind of get what you’re saying here I still think that you’re being rather unreasonable. He has made effort for your birthday?? Does currently have issues with cash flow?? Having to spend on important, practical things??? Has he been very busy with stuff like work or house issues? If these things are true then you need to let this go..
Long term life together is not about any of these things.

For my birthday he spent £10 on personalising a shirt with a quote from our very early dating days. It was thoughtful and kind and I loved it.

Given that we've just spent a weekend on another trip (where he had no issue spending money on drinks for both of us, and I of course did, too) I don't buy the whole "no money" thing. Those £10 for something equally thoughtful could have been saved by having one less drink each.

To me, it feels like a weak excuse.

I have to disagree with most commenter who are saying YABU, the simple way to look at it, if its that important to you and he doesnt meet your expectations of how you want to celebrate your anniversary (irrelevant if people here think its sweet fuck all to celebrate), if its important to you, and he doesnt match your enthusiasm, then is that any different to any other situation where he doesnt match your enthusiasm? I suppose you have to ask yourself, is it something you can live with or not.

I'm getting extremely worried bexause this is another thread where my sympathies lie with the guy in this relationship.

I agree witb @comoatoupeira
If you have such a good relationship what is the need for gifts and cards? What is the need for perfornative empty gestures? Just be pleased you have a good relationship.

Can I just clarify how long you’ve been together. I assumed you weren’t married but perhaps I’ve got this wrong. Apologies if so!

This is a case of different expectations and love languages, neither of you are wrong.

Yes it is, because Christmas/mothers day/birthdays are an actual thing and one year dating anniversaries aren’t unless you’re 16. If you split up over this thinking you’ll find a man who will treat you better you’re going to be disappointed because no man will ever ever spend weeks or months planning a one year of dating anniversary present.

"My gift involves a record of our journey that I started a few months in. Imagine a fully edited film involving all the videos of our travels across the world and the part of the world we eventually settled in"

Something to watch once and then it gathers dust for the next however long you're together before he gives up the will to live then?

DP? So you're not even married, and it's literally an anniversary of being a couple for a year?

That's not a big deal. Jesus wept, a few months effort to create a gift for a total non-event is way way overboard!

I'd be terrified if I were on the receiving end of that.

Yes, and some of those posts are people who see relationships as a tit for tat transaction an others are genuine cases of being ground down by years of all take and no give and it isn't just about the birthday.

Let's look at your situation as you have laid it out, here. You've made a big deal about what you are giving him, told him about it already - was that before he mentioned he'd do something? Because if it was, it smacks of emotional manipulation. You've told him you are doing this thing to give him time to match it, whether he wanted to or not.

It all sounds a bit forced. If I was him, I might have felt railroaded into saying I'd do something by your obvious hint hint nudge nudge look what I'm doing for you approach.

He might be planning to surprise you yet, but be warned. If you make a big fuss if he doesn't, you might find it doesn't go quite the way you wanted. Is this really a hill you want to die on? All sounds a bit teen angsty for a more mature couple.

I think you need to have a chat about expectations, my DH and I did this after a few mismatched years (mostly me forgetting dates). Now we both give each other and anniversary and valentines card (no gift), a Christmas card and spend about £150 on each other with a proportion of it as a surprise, a card and gift around £30 ish on each other’s birthdays. We also plan our own birthdays so a meal, holiday, day out etc.

Since we’ve started doing this special occasions have gone really well.

@MeinKraft Celebrating a clearly exaggerated story of a man who lived 2000 years ago who was deemed to have magical powers or the date my parents received the outcome of having sex are no less of a thing than celebrating a one year anniversary. (Mother's days are different in that respect).

It matters because it matters to us.

And absolutely nowhere have I talked about finding someone better. My question was solely based around disappointment in something he raised my expectations for and then dropped them.

He’s right, you’re wrong.

You never open a photo album or watch old videos? You don't own a camera?

But this isn’t Christmas, a birthday or Mother’s Day. It’s a one year anniversary of dating which is a nice enough milestone but not once usually celebrated with elaborate gifts.

That’s why it would piss me off, you have decided that you are going to put in enormous time and effort and therefore he must match or nearly match that and now you are pissed off that he hasn’t. Why does your desire to go big for this date trump his desire not to?

You are at complete opposite ends but your side isn’t idea either. Preparing for a 1st dating anniversary for “many months” is pretty crazy.

To many people being in a relationship 1 year doesnt need to be marked with over the top gestures. You wanted to make the video he sounds like he's not a showy person and shoudn't need to change who he is. You need to decide what is more important a good relationship or gifts