First anniversary - mismatch in effort

[Skethylita]

DP and I have our first anniversary in a week. Today he told me that he will not have the money or time to "splash out" on our first anniversary.

I have had a gift sorted for many months - a homemade gift that involved many hours of time and effort (and yes, money, too) that I am trying to get finished in time for next week. He knows about this gift as we have had a traumatic event a few months back and I shared with him what I was working on to cheer us up. He knows when our anniversary is as we will go back to the place we first met at.

I asked him what his plans were before his money concerns and he said a taxi there and back and a little something (he won't tell me what, to save it for the next one). I told him I was disappointed. Not because of the monetary value, but because I expected some thought and effort that wasn't being left until the last minute.

We're both busy and in demanding jobs. We both have had things on full time the last few weeks. But he knew this was coming. He knew how much effort I was putting in. Normally, he is very thoughtful. He also has money (in savings), but his everyday spends are run down this month. Money wouldn't have mattered either way, but I feel like he's setting me up for a bunch of generic flowers if I'm lucky. We have a great relationship otherwise.

It's not about money, but about lack of thought. I told him that much and am quite disappointed. AIBU?

Yes, YABU - Gifts don't matter, even when effort is clearly and knowingly mismatched.
No, YANBU - He knew this was coming and what you put in. He should have got his arse in gear earlier.

I think in this country people spend way too much time on gifts and cards and not enough on just TALKING

It all sounds a bit much for a year with a partner OP. I think your expectations may be a bit unreasonable. I'm 46 and I don't think I've celebrated a year of dating anyone since my first boyfriend when we were 17.

You too much and him not enough.

Humm, is that something your DP would like OP?? Just by comparison we're celebrating our 18th wedding anniversary today, no cards or gifts, our day went like this, up at 6 to take dog out, then a tip run before it got busy, trip to Iceland (the shop, not the country) and spent the afternoon building flat pack furniture - it must be love 😀

Ohhhhh i read the OP as first wedding anniversary. But it's a year 'together' ...

OK, so i know you've said it is significant but not really why. I think speaking generally just going back to a loved restaurant or where you first met, or something, is enough.

Thing is we dont know the ins and outs of your relationship - a film of your first year together seems ok? If that floats your boat. But i wouldn't expect that level of effort matched to be honest.

I’m glad that things are going well in your relationship but is that really a present for him for the anniversary or one for you? I’m sure it’s lovely but it’s a bit odd for a relationship that’s less than 12months old!

and I say that as no spring chicken whose relationship with my now husband moved extremely quickly and also through separate personal adversity at the start (illness, family death, new job all in the first 7months).

And when they gush over each other on social media and you think to yourself: "Far more meaningful when said IRL and kept between yourselves."

Humm, is that something your DP would like OP??

Yes, he likes it a lot. As I said, he has seen parts of it already.

It’s not a “spouse” because they aren’t married.

Good thing neither of us do social media other than my occasional engagement in this forum 😂

Oh it wasn't aimed at you - it's just what I always think when I see it online!

It's not even until next week is it? Give him a chance!

I would. Only I know he will definitely have no time to pull something together over the next week between his work and evening commitments. So if he hasn't already sorted it, he is stuffed in that regard.

We have been married 9 years and the anniversary was last week. I forgot and so did he until the following day. I actually think the day we met is more meaningful in some ways, but you are making way too much of it. Why not just pick a flower, pour a glass and toast each other? If you are secure and happy it shouldn’t matter x

Is this first wedding anniversary or first yesr dating?

I have never celebrated a '1 year' dating anniversary with anyone. Ive never known the date or looked back to see when a first date was.
My husband and I do small gifts on our wedding anniversary, sometimes more effort and thought than others depending on how hectic life is at the time.
Is the card that matters the most to both of us.

Take a look at 'love languages', you might find you have different ways of showing and feeling loved. Luckily gifts is not one of mine or my husbands!

That was my thoughts,it's what teens do/used to do
I re doing this at 16..40+years ago

So there is a mismatch of effort - and you are assuming you are in the right and he’s in the wrong.

As you say he can’t correct it, so you’ll either have to accept you’ve both taken a difference emphasis on a year together and go about your life OR decide this means something more.

Of everything else is good, I’d go for the former.

Yes, we discussed this anniversary for a while. It is significant in many ways that I won't go into here, but we've both come a long way from where we were a year back. Not in terms of the relationship (which has always been strong), but all the things surrounding our lives
Suffice to say we're no spring chickens. My gift involves a record of our journey that I started a few months in. Imagine a fully edited film involving all the videos of our travels across the world and the part of the world we eventually settled in. Something that takes equipment and editing and therefore a lot of time, money and effort

Completely over the top and far too intense. How can anyone be expected to match this?

I hope he's not like me because I'd be off like a shot if someone was doing that for me for a first anniversary of being together. It's not like you're even married.
It's got red flags all over it.

my bad, realised after I posted!

You have massively over invested. There is no way he can match up and please don’t waste any time or emotion on ‘hoping’ he’s making it up to ‘surprise’ you.
If this man is a good man. Kind, caring, thoughtful and supportive then I feel you are being hugely unfair. Long term relationships should never be about the short term, flashy, gestures. But about the day to day caring, love and support.
Please be think about your priorities.
And nice gifts shouldn’t be made in expectation of getting stuff back.
The thing you’ve made, it was to show your love. Not so you could guilt him into doing similar.

You sound high maintenance

You’re not married so first anniversary of what? How old are you both?

Jesus Christ

How can anyone be expected to match this?

Match it? Perhaps not. But make a bit more of an effort than telling me a week before he's basically got no time or money to sort anything? I have higher expectations than that.

Especially since he was the one who raised the expectations in the first place. And since this is out of character for him.

Every year on here we get women who are disappointed at Christmas/ birthdays/ mother's days etc. by the lack of thought and effort their partners put in compared to the effort they themselves put in. This really is not different.

Sorry, voted " not unreasonable" before realizing you're only " celebrating" a year of being together and not an actual wedding anniversary! In that case, you're being super unreasonable...lower your expectations.