AIBU to say I cannot keep lifting my mum’s chair?

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My mum had a fall 3 years ago and had a broken hip also diabetes and heart issues
she brought a chair to be go out however it is down to me her only child to lift the chair in and out of everywhere and I hate it. It’s so heavy I have severe shoulder pain each time it rips my clothes and gets mud all over them I feel I cannot do it anymore but if I don’t her life is even more limited than it is.

The chair is too heavy for you. So you tell her you won’t be lifting it any more. End of. You and she find another solution, or she stays stuck in her house. You need to say no op, or she will keep expecting you to do it. You’ll hurt yourself badly sooner or later.

All these things
you have to say no to her
maybe if she thinks she can’t get out at all she’ll have to reconsider OR she books a disabled taxi everytime she goes anywhere with a ramp in the back and she stays in the chair!

You do need the carers coordinator at your doctor's surgery to help you. They were a boon with my late dad.
I'm now 60 and disabled myself. I was told if I went in a chair at 38 I'd never get out so I didn't. My family make me walk. I use a stick but it was a frame. I'm now driving again.
Try to get her moving it will help with her MH and her weight. I had a voucher from hydrotherapy too.

Powerchairs aren't meant to be lifted.

It's not unreasonable for her to want independent mobility (ie. a powerchair if she can't self propel a lightweight manual chair). (And note a powerchair is better than a scooter in terms of turning circle and the places it can go).

So she needs to make friends with a taxi company who offer wheelchair accessible vehicles and the local buses and train services. A powerchair can give her a lot of independence and freedom.

Or she needs to buy a wheelchair accessible vehicle you can drive (assuming she doesn't drive).

There are some devices intended to lift wheelchairs into cars but I don't know if they work for heavy powerchairs - that's also worth a look but may mean you have no boot space.

I'm sure this will be brand-new information for you, but some adults don't work, especially if they are carers. It may be a revelation for you.

OP, how can we help you to explain to your mum that things have to change and you CANNOT do all the care she requires?

PLEASE stop injuring yourself. Also don’t rush around trying to find solutions. She sounds more than capable of contacting doctors, therapists etc herself. Not your business. Just keep saying you can’t do that any more and maybe her doctor is a good place to start. Then go out, or contact your own GP or a physio about healing your shoulder and back.

she won’t accept an assessment as she won’t work with adult social care
she asks me to do everything then blames me when I can’t keep on top of it all!

Then she suffers the consequences of her choices. She stays housebound while you go out. It's time to say no OP even though it's hard to do so. Do not ruin your own health for someone who doesn't care enough, even your mother.

Does your area have accessible buses or a shuttle for people with disabilities? She needs to use that for anything too far to walk/roll and can also use it to get to the train if she can’t afford an accessible vehicle. Lifting a power chair or scooter is not a reasonable ask

Your problem isn't really the chair but your emeshed relationship with your mother where you are too frightened of her to say no.
To those of us outside this situation, it is so clearly a case of just saying no, point out her other options and then declining to discuss further.

She has presumably made you feel so worthless that your have to do her bidding whatever the cost to yourself. Perhaps some counselling might be helpful in building your self esteem and finding your own voice and recognising your have legitimate needs not to be in pain or injure yourself.

Can you seek your own GP for support about your shoulder?
1, for help for you. 2, they will likely tell you to stop lifting it - you can then tell her you have been instructed to not do it.

Also, can you ask for a carers assessment? You can request for this to be in person, and possibly at your mother's house (do you live together already?).

Does she get PIP at all?

Your mother is horribly selfish. I am shocked that she would put her own daughter at risk of a serious injury. Tell her you can no longer lift it. End of.
She needs to involve adult social care and you need to walk away.

I have a lightweight carbon fibre powerchair that has been amazing and has saved my sanity. I have back problems that mean I can walk but not very far and I can’t stand in a queue. I have no problems lifting it in and out of the car and the battery pops off for charging. Mine is the Zoro carbon fibre powerchair from Careco. It’s expensive but worth every penny in my opinion.

https://www.careco.co.uk/iconnect-zora-bundle/?productfeed=GSH&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20889146384&gbraid=0AAAAADvLZE3abVJE9_BLmUmNkGlrf0Juu&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI77Cw5aKHlQMV8KNQBh0YXDUwEAQYASABEgJ0IfD_BwE

in that case, sorry but you have to tell her you can't do it. I am a retired Occupational Therapist and part of any wheelchair assessment that I did, where someone else would need to lift, manoevre or push the chair was to also assess the carer. I once had to refuse a lady an attendant propelled chair because the plan was that her heavily pregnant daughter would push it - and we live in a hilly area! We compromised that I would assess for the chair once the baby was delivered and so long as the daughter felt able to do it. I wasn't popular but didn't expect to be.

this absolutely

Then stop. Refuse. She's not in charge of you, and in any case you'll have to say no soon enough once your shoulder is fucked.

Just tell her youve pulled your back and doctor has said no heavy lifting, and do not do this going forward . You have to be firm. She’s going to have you permanently injured at this rate where u won’t be able to help at all.

Why can’t u say no to her

Is there any chance you could write in English in sentences with full stops and capital letters. If you include all of the information it saves others like myself asking for details which should be obvious . Do you mean a wheelchair? Is it difficult to get in and out of the boot of a car?

You need to start saying no.

My DM had a broken hip, and it was essential to get mobile again in order to recover well. The hospital started this off and it was carried on afterwards as she recovered. Does your DM really need a wheelchair or similar? It would prpbably be much better for her to get back to normal as much as possible. Does she have an exercise prpgramme from physio or similar? Could depression be making her unwilling to try? A broken hip is an awful injury, and can make the person feel hopeless. I hope she can be encouraged to recover as much as possible.🌺

I have a folding scooter and that was really heavy, so I bought a scooter lifter to go with it. It probably would work for power chairs as well.
https://etechmobility.co.uk/products/portable-car-boot-hoist-by-etech-mobility?variant=56767373869405&country=GB&currency=GBP&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&tw_source=google&tw_adid=771493096734&tw_campaign=22843769741&tw_kwdid=pla-2439987504958&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22843769741&gbraid=0AAAAAqW7e4jumv6bh-beXecvVdiRXIQkX&gclid=Cj0KCQjwornRBhCrARIsAON5exHD6VXHFeL2e8jv3aL6lpUtl-rlNHAkaH_VQgdhrrAknmPnnmbNkf8aArgyEALw_wcB

Oh, I feel really sad for you. But like others have said, please stop putting yourself at risk. Lifting a wheelchair that’s too heavy will cause long‑term injuries if you keep doing it. If your mum is refusing an OT assessment from Adult Social Care, then you really do need to step back. She can get a free assessment and free equipment through ASC, but she’s choosing not to. It shouldn’t fall on you to injure yourself because she won’t accept help.

If you carry on, then that is YOUR choice to injure yourself.

It sounds very difficult for you. I'm afraid I can only repeat what others have said, which is that you need to assert your own boundaries. You can't go on hurting yourself like this just to keep your mother sweet. It's not working, is it?

Listen, I've been housebound and dependent myself, and I know how shit it is. Your DM needs to figure out solutions that don't involve permanently wrecking the health of her carer. Left to her own devices for a bit, she'll find the motivation to make changes. The alternative is that one day you'll find you're both fucked.

You can get a battery pack for lightweight chairs, to assist you pushing them. Not cheap. Can she be referred to your local wheelchair services (nhs) they can usually advise. If not, just stop pushing her around if you can't do it without injuring yourself. She'll either have to pay for someone or accept that your health is also important if she wants you to continue to look after her. Harsh as it sounds, if you injure your shoulder then that's it - you won't be able to push her either way!

If you have difficulty with reading comprehension, perhaps this isn't the thread for you. Most local libraries have adult literacy classes, that might be worth trying for you.

If her life is more limited, that's on her. You've suggested other options and she is refusing as well as disregarding the doctors advice to walk. The less she walks the worse her mobility will get. Maybe you refusing to do it anymore will push her to try the other options.