AIBU to be upset my friend cancelled and left me paying?

[ItWasCalledYellow]

I live near a really nice spa and the cost is about £200 for a day with treatments and lunch. A long time friend who lives over 3 hours drive from me has always wanted to go and had been repeatedly asking could we book to go and she stay at my house after. I have no problem with her staying with me, except I have 3 kids, work full time in a busy role and most weeks are busy with sports and activities, so not always easy to find time or money for days like this with mortgage, childcare cost and general COL. Friend works part time and has older teens and has never had childcare costs and has mortgage paid off due to divorce and living in an area with much lower housing costs.

So after many times of her sending me info on different packages I book and my card is used to hold the booking with 48 hour cancellation policy. The day before we were due to go my friend rang and said she could not come as her DS injured his leg at school and needed to go to a&e, fair enough I would not expect her to travel 3 hours away when that happened. She then contacted me the next day to say sorry that she could not go and that there is a spa half way maybe we could meet at that one in future as it was unfair to expect her to do all the driving. I was really annoyed as it was her that kept asking to come to the one near me, I did not suggest it. I asked how her DS is feeling, she said oh he’s fine didn’t go to a&e and put a bag of frozen veg on his leg.

Due to short notice I still had to pay the full cost, I ended up going myself as none of my friends nearby were free with less than 24 hours notice, friend didn’t offer any money for her part despite knowing I had to pay hers due to late notice. AIBU to be furious with the whole situation and think she is not much of a friend despite knowing each other since school.

Very sorry for you. She's not a true friend and wouldn't be my friend after this.

This.

Next time she asks to do something like this, get the money up front.

I think she is saying about “all the driving” and “half way spa” is to try and distance herself from the original arrangement and get out of paying her share.

If she doesn’t pay up that would be end of the friendship for me, as it is I feel she is ‘gaslighting’ you. She was pushing you to make the arrangement now implying it was all done at your convenience and difficult for her.

I would insist you are still waiting for her return of half the deposit. I would be not wanting to make any new plans with her. She has behaved appallingly IMO.

You need to send her message telling her that you want your money for her share. I would send her this message.
“Hi xxxx I will need you to transfer me your share of the spa money by xxxx date please. You knew that there was a 48 hour cancellation policy and you left me in the lurch leaving it till the last minute to tell me that you couldn’t come knowing that I would have to pay the full amount and had to go on my own because you knew it would be unlikely for me to find anyone else to go with at that short notice.”

On starling bank and others you can send a payment link, just send over a link and ask her to pay and don’t stop until she does. I’d personally then just let her drift as a friend.

This! ⬆️ Don’t be a doormat about it. And don’t book again. 🤷🏼‍♀️

@ItWasCalledYellow So three things:

She has shown you who she is - believe it!

She had what appears to be a genuine reason to withdraw, well initially anyway until she mentioned the ice pack - but along with that comes financial responsibility. You have asked her for the money, well done, that's not easy and she has ignored you. Believe that reflects your relationship.

OR

The injury had nothing to do with the cancellation, she either realised she couldn't be bothered or she couldn't afford it. I'd go with the latter given her pushing for this Spa trip. That does not excuse how she has handled it.

Personally I would put the friendship on hold, its an expensive lesson but wait to see what her reaction is longterm. If she tries reconnecting without addressing it, do not let her, hold your boundary. If she takes responsibility and refunds you, even just her share, maybe listen to her explanation and assess from there.

Sometimes relationships run their course andnothing specific ends it, just a change in priorities or life priorities.

Exactly this.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. There are several things here that would frustrate most people, and they compound each other.
The cancellation itself was understandable in the moment. A child going to A&E is absolutely a valid reason to cancel, and most people would accept that without question. But the follow-up revelation that he never actually went, and just had some frozen peas on his leg, changes the picture considerably. That was either a significant exaggeration to get out of coming, or she panicked and then didn't think to say "actually he's fine, I can still make it."
The money issue is the most clear-cut part. She knew you were holding the booking on your card. She knew the cancellation policy. She cancelled with less than 24 hours notice. Not offering to cover her share — or at the very least splitting the cost of the wasted booking — is genuinely poor behaviour, especially given the financial context you've described. You're juggling a mortgage, childcare and a full-time job, and she has considerably fewer financial pressures. She should have offered without being asked.
The driving comment is oddly tone-deaf given that she was the one who repeatedly pushed for this particular spa near you. Suggesting after the fact that it was unfair on her suggests she

I’d just say ‘aww gutted- especially as you have really been wanting to go for ages. You can over the money to my monzo or bank account, whichever is easier for you, one less thing to stress about’

The driving comment is oddly tone-deaf given that she was the one who repeatedly pushed for this particular spa near you. Suggesting after the fact that it was unfair on her suggests she may have been looking for a way out regardless.
The thing that would stick with me most is that she hasn't acknowledged any of this — no apology for the cost, no offer to sort it, no recognition of the awkward position she put you in. That says something about how she values your time and money.
It might be worth having a direct conversation about the £200 before deciding what this means for the friendship longer term. How she responds to that will tell you a lot.

Any update?

I would message her and tell her she needs to pay her share.

This message is perfect, @TeaAndTattoos - @ItWasCalledYellow - I think you should send it. It sounds as if the friendship is over anyway, so you have nothing to lose by sending a blunt and direct message.

Why are you taking chat gpt? If you can’t hold a conversation or actually have your own opinion or advise to post, then don’t post. OP doesn’t want to have a conversation with chat gpt, she wants to have a conversation with real people on mumsnet. Why are you doing this? What do you actually gain from just copy and pasting crap from AI?

Sorry if I've got this wrong but:

Have you phoned her, or talked to her, all the advice you are getting
(and it is good advice) seems to revolve around texting.
How about talking one to one, on the phone or better still in person.

I'm "old school" and I would be absolutely livid if this had happened to me.
I would be on her doorstep (no matter what the distance was) demanding my money and refusing to leave until she paid.

If this didn't work then at least I would have had the satisfaction of shaming her.

Whatever the outcome was/is she would then be "persona non grata" to me.
And I would depart with very loud verbal expletives.

Why half?

Because she went and it was due to be shared I thought… half is better than none. I might have misread it

Dump her. She's not your friend.

Just send her your bank details. Something along the lines of - Hope you’re ok, missed you the other day, hope we can catch up soon. I haven’t seen anything drop in my account for your spa day yet - here’s my bank details in case you haven’t got them. Speak soon xxx

I don’t think it is. I think it’s too heavy. Ok for a follow up message if she’s being a div though.

She sounds clueless.

Ask her to pay for the cancelled day, without getting upset if she doesn’t, and then dump her sorry, passive aggressive behind. I had a “friend” who behaved in a similar way and it cost me some money and disappointment before I realised life is far too short.

Not nice at all. She should pay something