AIBU to think the relative handled the drunk teenager appropriately?

[Random321]

16 year old supposed to be at a friend's house ends up drinking and calls a relative (not a parent) after midnight to come get her.

She's collected, tipsy but not dangerous, small cut which is cleaned up, given water & toast and give a bed for the night and is supervised for the night to make sure she's ok.

Should the relative have rang parents and brought her to home or did they do the right thing in making sure she's alright and looked after her and brought her home in the morning instead.

I am none of the people in this story but just interested in people's opinions.

I think the parents had a right to know the teen wasn't where they were supposed to be, imagine the friends of teen or parents of host house had gotten in touch with the parents saying they didn't know where teen was, they would have been clueless and beside themselves

Not because I wouldn't trust the other adult, assuming they were in fact sensible and trustworthy which these relative sounds to be, but because they're my child.

This is a very good point. I was imagining checking Life360 and seeing her not where I thought she was. Presumably if then notice she was at my siblings and be quite confused as to why she was there, and why I hadn't been notified.

But if the parent had contacted me in a panic cause my child had gone 😲

Surely they would just ring the teens mobile?

It’s different if this was a young child.

Considering there was drinking at a party of 16yos, I doubt the parents were even there.

It was 2am and they were told in the morning.

The only difference is that they weren’t woken up in the middle of the night and didn’t have to leave their home at 2am to collect their child.

I'd be really upset if my DC called someone else rather than me. But I think they'd call me because I've told them that it doesn't matter where they are, or what state they're in, or what time of night it is, if they need picking up then they can call me. So my upset would come from feeling that our relationship wasn't what I thought it was if they didn't feel able to call me.

I have two teens, either side of 16. If, for any reason, they called someone else rather than me in this scenario, I'd be grateful they were safe and had someone they trusted.

It certainly sounds safer than a drunk teenager being looked after by other drunk teenagers.

I don't think the adults did anything wrong in encouraging their niece to tell her parents herself. I can see the arguments for and against messaging them in the night or in the morning, and for getting niece to own up.

I can't see what getting angry achieves. The niece's parents can politely say what they'd prefer to happen next time. Getting angry is just creating more relationship issues (with daughter, with siblings, in-laws).

I'm a parent and an aunt of teenagers. I would have picked her up, sorted her out, put her to bed. Then sent a text saying "XX got quite drunk at the party and asked me to come and get her. She's safely asleep here. Text me whenever you want to come and get her. No rush."

And I'd expect my sister to do the same. I wouldn't rush to pick her up but I'd appreciate the text.

But then my sister and I are on similar wavelengths when it comes to our kids, so are most of our friends. But I can think of at least one friend who would want to know immediately and have her child home with her straight away. So I guess there's no definitive right answer.

I think your brother did just fine. I bet your niece appreciates it.

I've been in this situation and I did let my nieces parents know but also said I'm not bringing her home.

They had the right hump with me so next time I won't be telling them til the morning

I think it was wrong to keep them in the dark, but I can also understand why the in laws didn't want to drive out at 2am, then sit up for a few more hours waiting for the parents, to finally get to bed at 5am.

Like you, I think they made the wrong decision. But they looked after their niece and kept her safe. I don't think they deserve the third degree and people swearing and shouting at them as the parents are doing.

The parents might want to look at Mumsnet and see how many siblings, relatives, grandparents etc wouldn't help at all. Their DD would have been on her own until they could get there.

Don't bite the hand that feeds.

Edited to add- a more appropriate response might have been gratitude for keeping daughter safe, but if it ever happened again, please contact us, however late it is.
Not anger.

Relative did fine. Parents weren't expecting teen home and it was 2am. If relative sent a text or called mobile parents may well have not seen it until the morning in any case.

Of course it’s more unlikely she’ll call him now - her mother is causing a full family row over it.

Even if she is fuming the mother has been very short sighted here, her DD is much less likely to call anyone in the family now she knows how her Mum
will react.

🤷‍♀️ people contain multitudes. I'm not saying this is ideal, just possible, and reasonably likely.

I don't think the sister is behaving well towards her brother, but I can imagine what might be behind her behaviour.

Who said you were fucking clueless? The relative looked after the drunken teenager and made sure she was safe.
Why are people questioning this?

Each to their own but if my teenage child is meant to be somewhere and the plans change I'd like to know, it's rare and unlikely but if something mad happened and I need to trace my child say on our end or at there's - for example I've seen on local forums when it's kicked off at teen parties, someone has been stabbed literally anything and they're not answering I'd be shitting myself if no one knew where they were

Who was the relative in relation to the child? Was anyone else at all in relatives home - partner/housemates etc as that would also influence my answer

So, when it happened with my DD I did feel initially gutted that she felt she could call my SIL, but didn’t feel she could call me. In the heat of the moment I felt like I’d failed as her Mum and I was very embarrassed that SIL knew my DD didn’t feel she could call me that night.

Very quickly that left me and I was just happy that my DD was sensible enough to call someone close by and who she knew was around, and delighted that she hadn’t been too proud or stubborn to ask for help.

I would also think the emotion of “but why didn’t she feel she could call me?” is partly behind the OP’s sister’s reaction.

I think aged 16, at 2am I would’ve probably
left it until the morning to let the parents know, or maybe just sent a text saying she’s at my house, she fine. Obviously any younger or earlier in the evening or any serious injury I would’ve told the parents straightaway.

You said I'm not a parent so I'm asking other parents, are we clueless? The majority of parents replying are saying yes, nicely, it's a bit clueless.

And you're getting arsey. Kind of proving people's points 😂

I’m a parent and don’t think it was clueless to wait until morning as DD was just tipsy, not seriously ill, and the parents weren’t expecting her home. I’m assuming here that she had her phone with her in case parents needed to contact her at 4am for some unknown reason.

I would definitely want to be told at that stage and would be upset she hadn’t rung me herself when in trouble. I think that’s what’s upsetting your sister mostly OP and she’s lashing out at her brother because she’s thrown by this.

I’m a parent and don’t think it was clueless to wait until morning as DD was just tipsy, not seriously ill. I can't see any point in being woken at 2 a. m to be told about this.

If anything I'd be more annoyed by that. The phone doesn't ring with good news at 2 a.m. It's a horrible feeling when it does.

Parents should have been told and if they wanted her home then that's what should have happened.

I think relative was fine. Given the time of night too. Its good for the daughter to have a trusted adult to fall back on.

So I’d be silently fuming that I was expecting my child to be in place X but was actually in place Y and my brother knew about it.

It would be different if my 16yo said she was at a sleepover but then was somewhere else (like a partner’s house) because been there done that it’s part of growing up. But if my own adult sibling knew then I would expect them to tell me out of respect.

In this situation though, I would not have expected child to be brought back to me, just to know where she is and that she’s safe.

Why would you be fuming?

I’ve explained that in the post..

You haven't explained anything.