AIBU to think the relative handled the drunk teenager appropriately?

[Random321]

16 year old supposed to be at a friend's house ends up drinking and calls a relative (not a parent) after midnight to come get her.

She's collected, tipsy but not dangerous, small cut which is cleaned up, given water & toast and give a bed for the night and is supervised for the night to make sure she's ok.

Should the relative have rang parents and brought her to home or did they do the right thing in making sure she's alright and looked after her and brought her home in the morning instead.

I am none of the people in this story but just interested in people's opinions.

Yup, this is the way.

Fine to collect and host the niece. Not fine to not mention it to the parents until the following day.

It boils down to fear, OP - your sister has woken up to find out that her child has been somewhere other than expected all night. How long was she aware that her child wasn't at the friend's house before she found out where her child actually was? I imagine she'll also be feeling undermined and frightened because her child chose to call someone other than her parents for help. There are a lot of emotions all at once.

Of course. She is my child. My responsibility and it is my choice to make on what to do next.

I would have answered the call, been informed about my child, thanked the relative for picking her up and keeping her safe and dealt with it the next day and left her and relative to sleep.

But I should know where my child is when the plans we made have changed.

Her parents are in the wrong. You, your brother and sister-in-law did nothing wrong.

I can see why your sister is miffed, but I can also see your point of view. I think calling the parents at the time would have been better.

However, if the parents are now going nuclear at everyone, you've got your answer for how much you should help in future.

They raised her and they are responsible for her. They can pick her up next time she's in a state.

Is suspect they're lashing out because they don't want to consider why their daughter did this, or why she didn't want to contact them.

People love to say 'it takes a village' without considering that the village might get something wrong or just do things differently. Other people aren't deputy parents.

Having read your updates OP I think your brother behaved as a good uncle should and your niece is lucky to have family that care. The parents have overreacted a bit (understandably).

I still think, though, that he should have sent your sister a text message just to put her mind at rest.

It's fine for them to pick up/sleep over, at 2am it was also probably fine not to call but it was absolutely not fine to not leave a text message. That should have been the minimum done and im very surprised you, DB AND his wife don't understand that. As another pp has said you might not be aware of any medications etc that could impact DD.

depends, if the parents were likely to go to off at the deep end and come and cause a scene then no they shouldn’t have been called. If this person is the teens safe person to call then they need to remain being the safe person to call.

Absolutely. But the bone of contention is whether or not the parents should have been told at the time. I think they should have.

The sister had no idea until the uncle made his niece tell her mum about it.

The sister wasn’t worrying that she couldn’t find DD.

She would never have known if he hadn’t made her tell her.

Not clueless at all, thanks.

Clueless is not reading and thread and drawing incorrect conclusions.

I wasn't even there. My only crime is standing up for my brother & SIL when sister was complaining about them.

She didn't have concussion. She didn't choke.
Both brother & SIL aren't idiots. The responsible and caring adults.

Brother also has first aid training due sport's coaching (so probably not great in this situation but better than nothing) and yes, she was supervised all night just in case.

@Random321i think they did the right thing. The teenager needs to be able to trust someone in a bad situation in case it happens again. I’d rather my child phoned a relative if they didn’t feel they could call me. Although they definitely could call me I’m no ogre!

This is not fair. Your using the parents “going nuclear” at the in-laws as the justification for keeping them in the dark as to the whereabouts of the child. Doesn’t mean they would have done the same thing with their child

You know the sister is BU because instead of being grateful and just saying “next time can you let me know”, she’s gone off on one and insulted you.

She sounds awful and it’s no wonder the DD didn’t want to go home.

This should be the subject of the debate. It whether or not they should have been informed.

Ah, so she's been blindsided by this information well after the fact, complete with an audience (her brother) to her finding out the fact that she wasn't aware? I can imagine that felt pretty shit. A whammy of shame, fear, anger, relief, and gratitude hitting all at once doesn't usually make people behave at their best.

Did the right thing and a really good job of it, by the sound of things.

This.

If she didn’t before then she may very well do now.

Shes certainly unlikely to call a relative the next time she needs help given her mother’s reaction.

IMHO the parents should have been notified, regardless of the time. It's what I would have wanted when my DC were teens.

I would have called them and said that the teen called me intoxicated as 'I was the closest' so I've pick them up and they're safe with me and I'll bring them home in the morning. I'd tell them that they'd tripped and I'd bandaged it.

If the parents wanted to come get them right then and there, that would be their prerogative.

The thing is, head injuries are tricky. Advice where I am (US) is that any head injury from a fall should be checked out. The only ones to make that decision for a minor is their parents.

What!!
Why would she feel pretty shit that her DD was sensible enough to find a family member to pick her up from a party where there was alcohol and boys laughing at her.

I’d feel bad that my brother had to wake up in the middle of the night but other than that I’d feel relieved she was ok, proud that she was so sensible and incredibly grateful to my brother.

Why would anyone feel shame, fear or anger in this situation?

Yep!!

This would be my biggest concern but her parents don’t seem to care about her wellbeing.

I had friends who were scared of getting in trouble with their parents and so would often put themselves in dangerous situations instead.

Anytime my DC or nieces/nephews have rang me/my siblings, we always tell them that they did the right thing and we never get angry over it.

I would have wanted to know as a parent.

I trust my siblings to look after my children/teens but I still want to know of something like this happens. I want to know what is happening with them.

Just like if teen hadn't called aunty and uncle, but stayed at friends house, I would have wanted the friends parent to call or text me.

I wouldn't have been nasty or outwardly shown I was angry as the siblings did well in their caring of the teen, but I would have said in future, send me a text or ring me, and I would encourage teen to do the same in any situation.

I wouldn't have been angry about it, but I would have expected a text to keep me informed.

But then our children would call us in that scenario, with no qualms.

Your brother is wrong. He should have called her parents.

We have actually been in this situation before with our nephew when he went to a party meat to our house. We phoned his parents on our way to collect him and agreed to call them later with an update. We are very close to our nephew but we were led by the parents, because he is their child, not ours.

If it was my child, I would have wanted to be told and be able to make the decision. My children would always call us first anyway.

No one has said she was wrong to call her uncle or relative though, just that the relative should have let her parents know.

It's not going to stop her calling for help in future although to be honest given she thought he wouldn't tell her parents, which seems to have been part of the reason she called him and not her parents she's unlikely to have called him again in future anyway.