To think this wedding is taking the piss a bit

[BraveLittleBird]

Second wedding, 100+ guests. I can’t get out of attending but AIBU to be annoyed about the following:

Remote venue which means either driving or paying for taxis. Some transport has been laid on but guests are being charged to use it

A honeymoon fund complete with bank details

A dress code request only shared 2 weeks before the day when most people will have bought outfits

There are other minor things but these have particularly annoyed me as the first two seem tight and grabby - you don’t invite people then expect them to pay and if you can afford a big do you should pay for your own bloody holiday. The third is just thoughtless and sums up the ‘all about them never mind their guests’ attitude.

I’m sure there are worse bride/groomzillas out there but AIBU to find this a bit of a piss take when we’re already spending several hundred on accommodation as we don’t live nearby.

@dinoderry It’s because it’s populated by dinosaurs! They don’t go to modern weddings! No one takes a gift! Unheard of now. It’s list or fund contribution - at DDs you choose a wine to give them!

Needing transportation to get to an event of any kind isn’t odd or rude. Not everything is within walking distance.

I’m still not a fan of asking for cash contributions instead of registries with a mix of items, including many that are modestly priced. Even for couples that have fully furnished homes, things wear out. With strategic planning they could make a useful registry knowing most people will just take the easy route and send cash anyway. It’s a social obfuscation, but one that is useful because it gives people options.

The last minute dress code will likely be ignored by most guests.

@BraveLittleBird Well obviously we aren’t charging guests for the coaches! I do think that’s not on but many weddings don’t offer transport at all. Central London weddings are expensive and many brides choose countrywide venues. As a guest, you simply don’t get everything to suit. What’s the venue like?

I honestly think honeymoon fund is a way to say if you want to give us a gift please give money we don’t want your useless tat.

if you say no gifts people still want to get you “a little something” which is almost always not wanted or useful.

I’m with you, I think it’s rude not to consider the comfort of your guests, and second weddings are generally a lower key affair, and it should have been if you would like to contribute something then here are our bank details for a honeymoon fund. Taken all together the B&G don’t sound very thoughtful or considerate.

A honeymoon fund for a second wedding that is expensive to get to is pretty offputting.

I've heard of this. Not a wedding we were going to, but friends of friends wanted to hire a vintage bus to get people to their wedding, OK fair enough. Then it was announced the bus was too expensive, can everybody chip in £15 or £20 per person, can't remember exactly, but in that ballpark. At which point, loads of people obviously fed up with another £40 on the wedding announced they would just drive, so the bus was cancelled as there weren't enough people to pay for it. Never entered the wedding couples mind that they should perhaps just pay it and see it as part of the costs since they were the ones deciding to getting married in a field in the arsenal end of nowhere.

@99bottlesofkombucha Why? As I said, DDs is similar in some respects and so far over 200 are coming. It’s not off putting - except for the miseries on mn! Normal people seem perfectly ok with a little bit out in the sticks and a non standard optional gift! Even black tie! How the very dare we??? !!!!

Think some couples completely forget it’s not just their day - but the guests time as well, and the more you think about the comfort of your guests the happier the day will be for everyone!

The travel expense thing is fair enough. You can't expect all weddings to be on your doorstep so you'd have to either drive or get a taxi regardless. Do you think they should pay to pick every guest up from their home, or what? It might be a 'remote' location for you, but it probably won't be for someone else. That's just the way the cookie crumbles.

Laying on a bus but expecting people to chip in for it is a bit off.

Be grateful it's not so remote that it requires a minimum of two nights in a hotel for absolutely everybody.

The honeymoon fund, hmmm..I think it's okay. It's a second marriage. They probably don't need gifts for the home but there is an expectation that people will make a gift of some sort, so it stops people constantly asking, or buying them things they really don't want or need. Especially if the wedding is very swish and high end with free booze all day etc. A gift is expected.

The dress code... well it depends... it's okay to have a dress code so long as it's just general pointers and not too controlling, expensive or demanding, like telling everyone they should wear a very specific colour scheme. It's good to let people know the general flavour and theme of the day so they don't turn up in full morning suit to a barn dance where the bride is in a boho dress, a daisy chin on her head and Converse on her feet. That would be embarrassing. Two weeks notice is a bit rough though.

Mumsnet is so bloody miserable about weddings. An invite is a request, attendance isn’t compulsory. I would prefer people to decline an invite to my wedding if they were coming with bad feelings.

All weddings cost the attendees cash. Although I agree the dress code thing is annoying and I wouldn’t stick to that if I already had my outfit. Honeymoon request- sling a tenner over and forget about it- surely you wouldn’t turn up empty handed so what difference does it make.

God, they sound like total twats.

I don’t like anyone enough to be dictated a dress code two weeks before an event (or at all, really).

I made a vow (I am not married! I am 54. Partmer of 24 years) 15 years ago when we had to attend 4 weddings in the space of 6 months that I do not want to attend anymore. We spent £1000's on outfits, hotel, travel, presents etc. I made the vow as all of them seemed stressful and we were spending a lot of money accommodating others whims. Weddings (Many!) I had attended in the past were fun but the tide had seemed to have changed. Now when I read your post, it really has.

OK fast forward to 2026 OP - WE SEE NOT ONE OF THESE PEOPLE ANY MORE!

I will just leave that there.

The last "wedding" I got invited to was a friend renewing vows and wanted £250 upfront deposit for her second hen weekend away.

no thanks.

With respect, surely it should be just that. The Couples Day. The two people who have thought you might like to share it with them?

But that’s not entirely true.
A couple looks for wedding venues. All massively experience. Basic registrar - still pricey and costly to make it a good wedding
They think “outside the box” still massively expensive.
Abroad half the price but more cost to guests.

i think give couples a break. It’s a one off and impossible to make everyone happy.

Not really. Quite a lot of the decisions we made about our wedding were done with our guests in mind. It really wasn't just our day. It was a day we had asked people to take time out of a weekend to come to and we wanted it to be easy and enjoyable for them.

This bothers me too. God help all women who have managed to find their happiness the second time round. It is obviously not important.

Perhaps I am determined to do things more my way for the next hence the angst! Come if you like, not bothered if you don't sort of feel. I appreciate its different the first time round.

can see your point, but I went to lovely wedding with party in church hall, with great live music, massive Waitrose oven baked lasagne and alcohol served by couple of friends of friends of the B&G. Really great atmosphere

the wedding in grand country house is remembered for being expensive pain to get to in taxi, hanging around hungry for food and expensive bar, and barely got to see wedding couple anyway as so many guests

The nicest weddings are generally the ones which think about the guests, they go more smoothly and there’s more mingling

Don't all weddings need you to either drive or get a taxi? How else are you getting there?

Also most couples these days have lived together for years, so don't need any more house stuff or wedding gift tat from card shops that may not be their style. I find it takes the pressure off to be told money towards a honeymoon is welcome.

I also don't agree with the view on the 2nd wedding. If this is the marriage that lasts, why shpuld it be shit and thought less of than the original that ended in disaster. If it was a 3rd I would probably take things as less serious now.

Dress code, if it is after save the dates is a bit shit. Just go in what you have already got and ignore that as it is unreasonable

You can like someone but still be irritated by their behaviour! I don’t understand this idea that if you disagree with someone then you clearly don’t like them 🙄.

I would contribute to the honeymoon as much as I would have for any other gift. Why not get them what they want?

You would have to get to any venue, so not sure why that’s an issue.

However, I wouldn’t attend a wedding where they dictate what guests wear, and only 2 weeks before. How embarrassing for adults to try and dictate what other adults wear

No. It is true.
The location is the choice of the couple.
There are all sorts of venues in every city to suit every budget. You can't afford it? Don't invite 100 people or whatever.
I've been to fantastic weddings in very modest venues - community halls, church halls, whatever.
No-one is forced to book a remote venue.

You're right op, they shouldn't
be charging guests for transport, especially when you have to travel so far and get a hotel. Only one gift is required, so since you've bought do something I wouldn't worry about the honeymoon fund. Totally right about the clothes of course, that is beyond!