To think this wedding is taking the piss a bit

[BraveLittleBird]

Second wedding, 100+ guests. I can’t get out of attending but AIBU to be annoyed about the following:

Remote venue which means either driving or paying for taxis. Some transport has been laid on but guests are being charged to use it

A honeymoon fund complete with bank details

A dress code request only shared 2 weeks before the day when most people will have bought outfits

There are other minor things but these have particularly annoyed me as the first two seem tight and grabby - you don’t invite people then expect them to pay and if you can afford a big do you should pay for your own bloody holiday. The third is just thoughtless and sums up the ‘all about them never mind their guests’ attitude.

I’m sure there are worse bride/groomzillas out there but AIBU to find this a bit of a piss take when we’re already spending several hundred on accommodation as we don’t live nearby.

Maybe it was the photos then, Kate and Camilla's outfits looked distinctly cream coloured to me. But as you say, it didn't affect the couples enjoyment of the event.

I think as a bride and groom, you want your guests to feel welcome and comfortable, obviouslyis nice if they make a bit of effort, but dictating what colours etc people wear is just ridiculous, and also quite inconsiderate I think.

This is bonkers, and you clearly don’t want to go for several reasons. Just don’t go. They don’t need someone folding their face at their wedding.

Absolutely. You're the host, they are the guests. Not walk on parts in your drama.

What is the dress code?

I think that important to understand if it’s reasonable. It might be that they thought it was obvious so didn’t initially include but then received a lot of questions asking

Opening with ‘second wedding’ is nasty. Plenty of people get married more than once.

Honeymoon fund is fine, you don’t have to contribute. Paying for your own transport is fine.

Short notice dress code is annoying, I’d just ignore if I already had my outfit.

Agree just sounds like you don’t like them much.

How unlucky can an OP be? I've never known the subject of a complaint in Mumsnet to be actually answered first by the complainee!
I hope you see the funny side @BraveLittleBird 😄

The dress code thing is poor form, but I don't see the issue with the rest. Very few wedding venues are accessible by public transport which runs late enough to use to get home, so I've always either driven (or had a lift off someone who was), paid a taxi or very rarely stayed at the venue. Either way it's at my own cost. Surely that's normal? I can think of 2 that put on a bus from a hotel or between church and venue, and actually they were paid for by couple, which is nice, but they don't have to put a bus on at all, and if they hadn't you'd be paying presumably more on a taxi, so it's not a big deal. Most weddings wouldn't even put on transport at all in my experience.

I'd never go to a wedding without a gift, so would be glad to know what they would like. As long as they aren't specifying how much you should give or that you have to give, that's fine, and very typical for weddings I've been to, so they would probably see it as the norm.

The dress code bit is very unreasonable if it's something unnecessary like a colour code, but you mentioned things not allowed in the venue, so it may not be their choice? And maybe they only recently found out? But I do agree they are unreasonable if it's just a 'vibes' thing!

Is it both of their second weddings? The last 2 weddings I have been to have been second fie the crude, but not for the groom so I wouldn't begrudge them their day. Actually I wouldn't begrudge it anyway, as long as it's not only a year later or something.

Tell them that you are unable to attend but will try to get to the divorce party!

Well yeah if you’re already taking a gift I wouldn’t contribute to the honeymoon fund

this

You've just reminded me that after our wedding, I bought a stack of thankyou cards to send to all the guests, I wrote all mine for my side, DH never bothered to write his. I made sure I told his Mum (the family tannoy), that I wasn't writing all his, and I wasn't getting into the sending cards on his behalf for his family members going forwards either. I hate the way men are still often excused from being thoughtful or considerate, not expected to buy or send cards, their mother and then partner picking up the slack. So no doubt some family members on his side thought we were terrible, but it obviously didn't bother DH, so I refused to make it my issue to sort.

@BraveLittleBird You sound very mean. My DD has been to 40 weddings and many don’t put on transport at all! Friends share taxis. You are coming across as mean and entitled. My DDs wedding is costing a fortune and if this couple are paying simliar, why not cut them some slack? Plus I expect lots of people gojng to DDs wedding don’t earn what she and future husband do. Gifts are optional but only the meanest people complain about the choices a couple make for optional gifts. Dd has a wine list! I bet you’d be cross about that too! It’s all about you. I’m so glad we don't know people like you!

I’m really not mean and I can’t believe you think it’s me that’s entitled! I’m taking on board the different opinions but I’m clearly not the only one who thinks it’s a little bit much. That said mine and the others are just opinions and on that note I hope your DD has a lovely day.

This is all outrageous.
who puts on transport at their wedding and actually charges people for it ??!! The tightest of tight bastards that’s who.

People aren’t choosing out if the way places by choice.
Any convenient wedding venue is huge money and probably booked up.
Couples have zero experience of planning a wedding and suddenly get caught up in a whole industry of overpriced shit.

Out of curiosity OP, did you go the the first wedding?

I have never followed a wedding dress code. So weird instructing people what to wear.

I will always buy a gift for a wedding. I’d want to get them something they’d appreciate and a honeymoon sounds a great way to contribute. Much prefer bank details as I begrudge those honeymoon websites that charge a fee for basically handling money. I also hate having to get cash out to put in a card. Personally I’d appreciate this as a wedding guest, I can contribute as much as I want and they get to enjoy my gift.

The location is the choice of the couple.

The dress code thing is unreasonable with that amount of notice. The other two things I think are entirely normal.

I’ve been to very few weddings that weren’t in remote countryside locations. They probably think by organising some transport they’re saving people the hassle of finding their own. Maybe it would have been nice if they’d paid for it (I probably would have) but perhaps that’s not possible for them. Also, every single wedding of friends I’ve been to has expressed that gifts aren’t necessary or expected but if people wanted to give then contributions to the honeymoon would be welcome.

I don’t know what your relationship is with these people but honestly I’m surprised you’re going. I don’t see what it being a second wedding has to do with it? Not everyone is fortunate enough to have everything go perfectly the first time around. My first husband cheated on me and then left me for the other woman. My DH hadn’t been married before. Was he supposed to not have the wedding he hoped for and that we both wanted just because I had the misfortune of marrying someone who lied and cheated first?Your comments about it not being a first wedding sound a bit mean spirited and quite judgmental and not remotely like a friend to these people.

If their wedding plans are such an issue for you then you could have found an excuse not to go. If I’d had any inkling that a guest at my wedding was speaking about it the way you are I’d probably have preferred it if they weren’t part of the day.

@BeSparklyMoose Spot on. Who wants a guest like this?

I don’t understand why there is so much animosity on Mumsnet towards people asking for money in lieu of wedding gifts. I’m 31 and I’ve never been to a wedding and taken a gift. Every single couple has requested money. If I wasn’t giving money I’d have to go out and buy a gift anyway so if anything it makes my life easier!

Or could you just go and enjoy yourself. I'm sure it will be lovely

@Ablondiebutagoody It’s totally normal! It’s what people do now if the dress code matters to the couple! It’s usually where it’s morning suit or black tie. Absolutely loads of weddings are black tie now with dancing at a big evening party. Lots of people like it to be evening wear and not dancing in your floral Boden shift dress! The venue usually gives a clue! Why it’s not on the invitations is odd.

I really don’t get the issue with a honey moon fund. People don’t need gifts if they already live together and it stops the silly useless gifts that don’t get used. Charity shops don’t even want sanctuary gift sets and celebratory mugs and glasses. Just give the £20 you’d spend on a gift or put it in a card.

they’ve organised transport.yes it’s paid but that’s better than nothing. Most weddings require some form of travel and usually a bit out as it has to be a big venue.

dress code being so late is poor form.