To think this wedding is taking the piss a bit

[BraveLittleBird]

Second wedding, 100+ guests. I can’t get out of attending but AIBU to be annoyed about the following:

Remote venue which means either driving or paying for taxis. Some transport has been laid on but guests are being charged to use it

A honeymoon fund complete with bank details

A dress code request only shared 2 weeks before the day when most people will have bought outfits

There are other minor things but these have particularly annoyed me as the first two seem tight and grabby - you don’t invite people then expect them to pay and if you can afford a big do you should pay for your own bloody holiday. The third is just thoughtless and sums up the ‘all about them never mind their guests’ attitude.

I’m sure there are worse bride/groomzillas out there but AIBU to find this a bit of a piss take when we’re already spending several hundred on accommodation as we don’t live nearby.

It is. It's so unpleasant to treat your guests as photo props which is all having a dress code is.

Me neither, but I do think that if you're going to lay on transport for guests, you need to pay for it. If you won't, just leave them to pay for it in whatever other way they choose.

You're the person who thinks I invented the concept of not wearing white to a wedding to satisfy my evil desire to ruin weddings.

Honestly, you flatter me. None of my evil schemes are that brilliant.

Of course they do. Who is going to wear jeans and trainers to a wedding? Seriously? and, on the off chance somebody does.... does it really matter? It's not going to ruin a wedding any more than someone wearing a colour that "clashes" with a bridesmaids dress!
I just think it's better when the focus is on the wedding and having a happy, enjoyable day, rather than curating for photos, and being so fussy about guests' outfits.

I’m afraid I am very old fashioned about asking for money upfront or receiving a list of demands or an invoice with a wedding invitation. If you can’t afford a wedding recut your cloth. For presents/gifts mention a link for IF someone wants to get a gift, don’t send the fucking shopping list in the envelope with the invitation. And don’t tell other people what to wear. Bad mannered and naff as fuck.

Sigh. No, yet again, I think you have contributed to the daft expansion of white to mean anything with a white background or a pale colour that could he construed as white. That is not the same thing.

Would you go to a wedding and not give a gift?

Hmm... OPs last comment seems to suggest that the dress code is more of a reminder not to wear something due to the venue. Not that it's a dress code. Is that something like bare shoulders etc? If most people work it out due to the venue perhaps it was a kind reminder sent out and you are making more of this than you should.

The dress code thing is a bit off, but it’s hardly a mortal sin to book a wedding venue that some people need to travel to reach. We had guests come in from three other countries and also several counties within the uk. There was literally nowhere we could have booked that wouldn’t involve people travelling, and it’s virtually impossible to find an affordable half-decent venue within walking distance of a train station near us (we did look). If it’s second time around for them they don’t need toasters and tea towels. If you don’t want to help them with the honeymoon buy them a John Lewis voucher or a book token instead. Not giving a gift at a wedding is a bit rude unless you actually can’t afford to.

It's literally what you said! And ironically, that is not what I said.

But that was a few days ago. It was funny then and now it's too boring to be worth a derail about it. There's a shelf life. Plus I'd be a fool to expect a sensible discussion about weddings on MN where it's an endless moralistic race to the bottom.

I do find it interesting, though, that there are so many people who make a wedding all about the dress code because they object to a wedding supposedly being about the dress code. ("Dress codes are evil! In order not to make the wedding all about the dress code, I will define and reject the entire wedding based on the dress code! I'm the one with the right perspective and priorities!")

The dress code is just part of it, not the whole thing. Your choice of venue and type of function are also part of it and contribute to whatever aesthetic you're going for. Some people like a very relaxed and casual do, some people want a dressier one because they like a bit of glam. Neither is better or worse, they're just different. And as is so often the case with things that cause moral crusades on MN... there's simply no moral value in it. It's just not a marker of a good or terrible person.

In this day and age as most people live together before a wedding and have all their stuff then requesting a contribution to their honeymoon fund is very sensible and saves me lots of time deciding what to buy. I went to a wedding that was similar but there was also an option to donate to their favourite charity which I thought was a lovely idea. Also I don’t mind travelling to a venue, quite like a different venue out in the country. The dress code thing is a bit unreasonable but without knowing all the details can’t say if it’s fair or not. You seem to not be embracing the wedding, just don’t go.

I do think that if you like people enough to want them at your wedding you should cover the basic expenses and/or bar. You're requesting their company.

When people say 'if you don't want to pay, don't go' - what about people on a budget?

It's literally what you said! And ironically, that is not what I said.
It really isn't. Every single comment I have made on the "is this too white" threads is saying "No, it's fine because it isn't actually white. White with a pattern isn't white. Pale blue isn't white". Etc.

Not that it wasn't fun at the time but probably best not to derail it.

Everyone knows how to dress appropriately for a wedding. Deviating from that by telling people to all wear orange or go in black tie or in 1920s costume or whatever dress code you are imposing is both tacky and rude.

Exactly, I can't think of anyone I know who wouldn't have common sense of what to wear to a wedding, such as being dressed smart, no white/cream etc.

Although saying that - I was suprised to see that 2 prominent Royals wore cream to Peter Phillips wedding. So maybe it's not sensible to assume anything?

Why people begrudge participating in the honeymoon in lieu of a present?

most people will already be living together, they ll have stuffs already so in France most people would give them cash or money into the honeymoon fund.

usually, travel agencies break down the hineymmon so you actually buy a breakfast, a massage, a dinner, etc you see the gist. I think it s much better and i for one love to know i have participated in something fun for the couple instead of another salad bowl 🤣

Just to be clear I’m not expecting them to fund the entire cost of my travel! I’m travelling several hours which I’m paying for to a rented property which I’m paying for. But they are laying on transport from where people are staying to the venue (because yes some people like a drink, why wouldn’t you at a wedding?) and when that’s happened in the past the couple have always covered the cost in my experience.

I’m providing something that they have specifically asked for as a gift, of course I wouldn’t turn up empty handed. I’m pretty sure they earn a lot more than me and I can’t afford to go away myself this year so I’m buggered if I’m paying for them to! I get youngsters who’re just starting out asking for cash but people my own age? Sod that.

Lots of people get married in venues that require driving or a taxi. Very few weddings I’ve been to (and I’m in my 50s) have been either city centre or had accommodation onsite. I think 3 max put on transport. So YABU to moan about that.

the gift fund - some people will want to give presents and they probably don’t need “things”. So rather than get a load of stuff they don’t need/ want, they give you a choice. You don’t have to contribute. YABU.

The dress code is the only thing I agree with. I recently went to a wedding with a dress code and it was stated on the invite.

I’d subtract whatever I ended up paying on transport from the amount I was going to gift them.

I would also not buy anything new to fit a dress code.

how long ago? I remember seeing one when we were living there (NJ) where all the wedding party were in black. They had moved from the church to a very small nearby park for photos but nobody had considered the resident canada geese flock and their very adhesive green poo which they can release when they take off......

@Donsyb Exactly. No idea what all the fuss is about. Is it an old person thing!? Not wanting to spend anythjng and have everything paid for? As I said earlier most people don’t pay for your hotel or transport or expect a wedding gift. Anything they ask for is reasonable and not obligatory. We are paying for coaches back to hotels, and guests are sharing taxis to get there. That’s normal for countryside venues. DDs London wedding is just opposite a tube station. Hopefully no moaners!

You don't need to go?

Only one wedding that I attended did they lay on transport between ceremony and reception but they didn’t charge for it! Every other one it’s up to you to figure it out. I mean unless everyone lives in the same area it’s going to be travel for some. My wedding was where we lived: London. But only about 25 of the 120 guests also lived in London, and some came from abroad! Travel is an inevitable expense.
The dress code yea - how restrictive? That’s the one I’d be annoyed by if my outfit suddenly didn’t fit requirements (and I don’t buy a new outfit, but I don’t want to have to either).
The contribution to the honeymoon - meh so what. Most people will want to buy a gift and it might as well be that than anything else.

You sound bitter towards them to be honest and I agree with previous posters questioning why on earth you are going. I wouldn’t want anyone at my wedding who couldn’t be happy for me.

Please just don't go. I think the wedding culture some people have come to accept as normal is just awful. Obviously they can do what they like as long as they pay for it, but they can't expect other people to pay for it.

I agree with you. However, at the Phillips wedding obody wore white or cream - there were a couple of pale yellow outfits, I think, and Kate was in a pinky beige. Anyway - Peter and Harriet looked very happy and it seemed like a lovely occasion. Hardly marred by someone not quite wearing the right colour!
Priorities.