AIBU to resent my FIL visiting for lunch every Sunday?

[Internationalwomendayheadquarters]

I really resent having my FIL come round every Sunday. I work full time and have a part time job on top, so it’s often my only day off and even then I’m often doing jobs round the house, like so many people I know.

He drives round to ours every Sunday and has lunch and stays for an hour or so. I would never want to stop my DH from seeing him, and he could easily pop over there (5 miles away) so I don’t understand why he has to come over here all the time. Also, to add: he’s racist, sexist, homophobic and hates immigrants. He left a previous marriage because when they had a baby she ‘didn’t have a meal on the table when he got home from work’. Is he just a product of his time and should I just deal with it (he’s 88 and lonely) or should I stand my ground and protect my weekend boundaries?

Yanbu to resent it, also if your dh went round their instead you would be missing out on time together. Could you do something like one week dh goes to see him on a week night, then the alternate week he comes to yours (on a sunday or another day). Agree you need to think of some plans which mean you are busy on some sundays, to get out of this pattern.

Zoning out from the general public's offensiveness is different to welcoming it into your home.

But presumably your family guests are not such utter wankers.

DH cooks. Its not an amazing Sunday roast that I assumed, but cheese on toast!

He’s definitely not too old to find out his opinions are not conducive to a good atmosphere. Remember your children are hearing them, talk to your husband. This is not good. Start by planning a day out. I know you like to stay at home. Plan a day out for the children to enjoy it then come back early maybe 3 o’clock and get all your bits done then just break this weekly habit and then introduce your husband going over there for an hour or meeting him in the pub where he has his friend doesn’t sound like he’s lonely to me. The next few years are very important in your children’s lives and to have this voice echoing every Sunday is going to damage them.

The problem, as always, is the husband. OP has quite a few threads about the reckless husband.

It doesn't sound like it unless op is overreacting and a drama queen. If what she is saying is accurate and he spends his whole 2 hours being racist and sexist then no I don't know anyone lile that but my opinion wouldn't change in the sense that its not for me to tell dp who he can and can't see in our home which is 50% his. I might choose to go out myself if I couldn't stand the person.

Is it quirkiness to have young children exposed to this:

racist, sexist, homophobic and hates immigrants

So someone being racist and sexist is quirky? 🙄

So you tell dh that at least once a month he pick up his Dad's friend and takes him to your FIL's house to visit and eat there - freeing you up.

Another time, once a month, you take one or more dc and go out for brunch / lunch / special mummy time.

That halves the time you have to spend with your FIL.

And importantly, every single time your FIL visits, it is your dh's responsibility to clean the bathroom. Even if that means you swapping duties and you making the beans on toast.

He hates rice as it’s ‘too foreign’.

He openly talks about his hatred of immigration, but then, like so many of his age, uses the NHS frequently and hopes for a ‘white person’. It’s despicable.

On a Friday night he goes to his other son’s (no GF/ wife there and no children so it’s entirely different). He’ll moan the whole time that something is wrong - the sausages are cooked too much etc. He’s so ungrateful.

I suppose this is the real issue here - I just don’t like him.

This

He's 88 so hasn't long left. Could DH not go to see him and they could go for a pub lunch somewhere?

you are indeed missing out on a lot of things. My husband and I would do chores on a Saturday morning and the rest of the weekend was for fun. Almost invariably we’d be out all the Sunday, taking the opportunity to explore towns and villages outside London. Simple things mostly - farms with petting zoos, small museums, watching planes land at Heathrow, or just going to different/new to us parks, swimming pools or playgrounds.

Every single one of your posts on this thread makes you sound like a thoroughly unpleasant individual.

Yes, I'm the unpleasant individual, not the fucker who left his wife & baby because she didn't bow to his sexism, spouts his putrid nonsense in a family home and pisses all over the floor despite being perfectly able to drive himself about and visit friends and family.

He isnt a sweet lonely old man who can't help himself. He's vile.

DH can bring him out for lunch or start treating yourself to a Sunday afternoon picnic or pub carvery on rainy days.
I would feel smothered too on my only day off.

My grandparents also prefer English healthcare professionals because they struggle to understand heavy foreign accents. Fair enough, they don’t moan about the colour of people’s skin but I suspect the sentiment is broadly the same. They’ve had non-British doctors before who they’ve been very happy with but if given the choice I don’t think very many elderly white Brits would decline a British doctor.

They also don’t like spicy or adventurous food and they might refer to it as “foreign”. I don’t think that’s particularly racist. I wonder if referring to food as “foreign cuisine” would be acceptable to you?

And in case you haven’t noticed, it’s not a minority view to be concerned with thousands of undocumented young men from different cultures arriving illegally into the country.

I used to have an elderly female relative who used to complain about men going to the supermarket and she wouldn’t be seen with any male relatives in there. She wasn’t a particularly nice person but she was old and most normal, well adjusted people have empathy and understand this.

He is 88 and your husband’s father. This is part and parcel of having a family. I get that it’s annoying but you need to suck it up.

How old are the DC and what do they think or understand about this situation? Do they like grandad? Does he have a £2 coin and a Wethers original in his pocket for them or is he such a thoroughly physically and mentally disgusting individual that they are worried when he comes round?

If you asked your DH to take him to the pub or something every other week, what would DH say? Is this a DH problem rather than an old git problem?

Have you met him?

I can read.

You seem to be arguing with the OP's perception of things.

@Internationalwomendayheadquarters

I guess my main concern is that (I assume) your children are hearing his vile rants. Maybe they're too young right now to understand what he's saying, but they won't always be.

That's what I'd try to 'pound home' with my DH if I were you. That despite the best intentions of parents explaining that Grandad is old and has 'bad ideas', they will still hear those ideas. To me, that's good enough reason for him not to sit a your table.

I'd tell him he has the choice between taking his dad out for a cheap lunch (if that's reasonable) or simply telling him he's not welcome for lunch anymore due to his views.

In the meantime, I'd eat my lunch 'elsewhere' or before he gets there.

You’ve twisted the thread to suit your nasty little agenda. Everyone can see it.

And what nasty little agenda is that?

I had this. Every single Saturday from 4pm to around 7pm my DHs grandparents would visit. Didn’t matter if we had plans, they would turn up.

It drove me mad, as we literally couldn’t plan anything and he would never say anything. Every other weekend I wouldn’t have minded but every weekend just got too much for me.

His brother would turn up daily, his mum every other day, and his dad would visit every Sunday morning.

Thankfully he’s now my ex so I can finally get some peace and quiet

You say:

This is part and parcel of having a family. I get that it’s annoying but you need to suck it up

I'm interested to know where your line would be.. What sort of behaviour from family WOULD cause you to implement different boundaries..

Or must we always grin and bear it, no matter what? And why?

Well the implication at the start of the thread was that the OP was slaving away in the kitchen all day making a roast for her FIL.

Only for it to turn out that her husband is the one who cooks and it’s not a roast.

And I’m not new to this world so I’m very aware people embellish stories in the hope of more support.

I have no doubt that the man is a pain in the arse but he’s almost 90 years of age and it sounds like his views are not out of the ordinary for a man of his age so I think all things considered, I would tolerate him.