AIBU for not checking on DH and the kids during flight?

[Dhflightsulk]

We recently returned from an abroad holiday, we left the online check in too late which meant we had 3 seats next to each other, and then a seat further down the plane about 15 rows in front, as opposed to next to the 3 on the opposing row (as we did on the way out).

I took the single seat and DH was with DS2 and DD5 in the three.

The flight was only short haul so about 2.5 hours. DH was (and to an extent still is) unhappy that I didn’t check in with him during the flight, which he described as hard work with our kids being young.

I said he’s perfectly capable of parenting and didn’t need me checking up on him. He maintains I should have checked in.

AIBU?

It's not really about "checking" in terms of whether they can cope, I would just go and say hi at least once!

TBH, if I'd had a hol with him not doing his share, I'd luxuriate in a bit of peace and quiet for once.

Who said it is acceptable? I wouldn’t accept this from my DH as the norm.
Why is OP right to do this to her DH just because other women’s husbands/partners do it to them?

Did I miss that her DH expected that they swap or is he just a bit aggrieved that she didn’t think to pop a head round and check all was ok?
I would be annoyed if I was left with my DC whilst my DH just chilled 2.5h without even thinking to ask if we were ok.

To me, it’s not about societal expeditions, the load on women etc. Do you work together as a team and are considerate of each other? It doesn’t even mean having to share that particular job, swap roles but acknowledging that they have taken it on, which means you don’t have to.

I agree. But the OP hasn’t said or even hinted that her DH didn’t do his share.

Dear Lord, you were 15 seats down the plane on a 2.5 hour flight - not on another flight heading in the opposite direction. So we really think our men are so pathetic that they can’t look after their own kids for a couple of hours on their own? If he needed help surely he could have just popped down to get you. Well done - there’s absolutely no need to martyr yourself at the foot of the altar of him being responsible for his own kids during a short flight. I presume he’s reasonably sensible and manages to hold down a responsible job? Is there any reason he should find childcare more challenging than anyone else?

@Dhflightsulk you barely got to look at your book why? Because H left you to it all the time? How much of his share does this guy do?

I (to a degree, I was only across the isle though) left my husband to it when we went to and from Australia earlier this year. It was window, DC1, DC2, husband, isle, me. I mostly just left him to it and they were all fine. I do the majority of the parenting and struggle flying long haul so he was happy to do the 8 hours then 14 hours with the kids.

Your DH sounds like a dick.

That’s not really relevant though is it? If DH left all parenting to me, it wouldn’t acceptable to say “well if you were single you’d have to do it all anyway”.
Just because it’s technically doable, doesn’t mean it’s not considerate to split the work. I’d be cross if DH didn’t come over to check, or offer to sit with two young DC for a bit. Not because I’m incapable of doing it myself. But because he is their parent as well.

If there is a general issue with him not pulling his weight with the children, then address that. Rather than ignoring him in a flight and hoping it solves the problem.

This exactly.

Would you be happy to be left with a 2 and 5 year old on a plane while the other parent did not even walk by with a kind smile to offer?

It could have been going swimmingly, equally it could have been really hard work. I would at least know my partner was thinking of me!

Tbh on a 2.5 hour flight there’s not a huge amount of time for wandering up and down especially when the trolley is blocking the aisle. I probably wouldn’t have checked unless I was going to the loo. Have flown multiple times with my dcs on my own and short haul is doable imo and far too much faff to change places half way through the flight.

Of course you should have checked in.

Of this was a man leaving his wife there would have been plenty of “well he’s a parent too and should be doing 50%” and the same applies here.

You are both equal partners and so you should have swapped halfway or at least checked in.

But the thing is, both you and your husband are not single parents? I would have hated if my partner behaved the way you did and justified it by saying "how would single parents cope". They do cope, but they do often wish there was someone to help. You obviously done it on purpose for some reason, I wonder why are you resenting your DH? Is it a payback of sorts?

That is down to poor parenting skills and not the fault of the two year old.

OP, does he usually leave you to carry the load with the children?

If so, you were dead right to do as you did.

If he generally shares the load, I would have probably checked in.

I'd have come by to say hello definitely. Kind of a check in. I don't think it's a big deal, but it would have been nice!

If he was having a hard time with them I can understand why he is a bit put out that you didn't.

You definitely should have checked on them and offered some help. My partner books extra leg room seats and books me and the kids together (we were literally opposite ends of the plane). The last time we travel home I was really unwell, I was literally keeled over with stomach pain. He still didn't check in on me even knowing I was in pain. When we got home he decided to stay at his dad's house (just because he wanted to) and left me travel home with the kids. He unhappily came home the following day because I had to go to hospital and therefore he had to look after his children.

I’m glad he was fine, but we always swap and at the very least you could have offered him a toilet break.

Should have taken one of the kids to the loo, and checked whether other parent wanted a loo break or a swap (unless you say either the kids on the way out, in that case no swap but still offer loo break and to take kids…)

My 5 year old is a piece of cake on a plane. It is my 2 year old who isn’t. Then both of them together is definitely not. Regardless of who has a seat.

Of course he should be able to cope and single parents have to cope. But that’s not really the point. He’s not a single parent and you were both there.

You could have tagteamed so he could order himself a drink to have in peace for half an hour.

Flying with DCs is hard work and as you were both there YABU to not have checked in with them. I actually would have wanted to see them anyway to say hi.

I suspect most parents would have checked in with each other and possibly swapped

I'd have been very annoyed if I was sitting with the dc and dh didn't come and check whether I needed anything. Might have been anything. Also would definitely have swapped halfway.

Well hes not a single parent though is he?

Although, I wouldn't be surprised if he was soon

YABU if you both take the active parenting on 50/50 or he did most of it on holiday. I would have swapped with DH at the half way point so we both got an hour of quiet.

However if you've been doing everything whilst you've been on holiday, whilst he managed to get lots of down time and this was the first point you've actually been able to have a bit of time to yourself than YANBU.

It was only a 2 and a half hour flight.

If it had been a long flight, then yes, check in on each other and swap.

But 2 and half hours? No, you're barely up in the air before you're coming down again. It'd be fair for him to do one way and you the return.