AIBU for not checking on DH and the kids during flight?

[Dhflightsulk]

We recently returned from an abroad holiday, we left the online check in too late which meant we had 3 seats next to each other, and then a seat further down the plane about 15 rows in front, as opposed to next to the 3 on the opposing row (as we did on the way out).

I took the single seat and DH was with DS2 and DD5 in the three.

The flight was only short haul so about 2.5 hours. DH was (and to an extent still is) unhappy that I didn’t check in with him during the flight, which he described as hard work with our kids being young.

I said he’s perfectly capable of parenting and didn’t need me checking up on him. He maintains I should have checked in.

AIBU?

Would he have checked on you if he had taken the individual seat and left you with two kids on the flight? I bet if he's honest he probably wouldn't have done and would have enjoyed the peace and quiet time he got.

I agree with many PP’s who say they are a team, and would therefore willingly swap halfway, or just ‘check in’ to see if the one with the children would like to stretch their legs or go to the loo in peace.

It's 2 and a half hours, FFS.

If it was long haul, then yeah, pop up and maybe swap over. For a short haul hop? Nah, fuck that. If you can't parent for that length of time there is something a bit wrong.

If my husband did this to me I’d go fucking nuts
I think it should have been half/half so each parent gets a drink and peace for a short time.

Nobody is saying they can’t parent for 2.5 hours and hopefully most posters’ husbands can easily parent for 2.5 hours. But 2.5 hours trying to keep 2 small children entertained who need to stay strapped into the seat they are sitting in is bloody hard work. It would be thoughtful to ask that parent if they need anything - even just a piss - during that time.
Pp’s who say that a dad who swanned off to sit in peace, leaving the mum with the kids would be roasted on here are absolutely correct.
But here posters are, giving op a pat on the back for behaving as badly as a shit father.

This clears the whole thing up I reckon! OP sat with them on the way out as pre-agreed and DH didn’t lift a finger. Then, as pre-agreed, DH sat with them on the way home. If he was so desperate to have her nearby he should have reserved the seats/ checked in as he had promised to earlier!!! He is not a child!!!

It was half and half, OP had the DC flying out and DH had them flying home.

He sat across the aisle on the way out, not rows ahead, and op herself said she’d feel insulted if he’d asked if she needed anything.
Everyone is different.

I imagine if this had been the other way around everyone would be calling the husband selfish for not checking. Honestly I would have checked and if it had been the other way around I’d expect him to check on me. I wouldn’t expect him to need help but it’s just kind to check in on him in my opinion.

The obvious thing is why not just pay for seats so that you can all be together anyway? We’ve always done this and I’ve happily sat across the row and we take it in turns to do that so you can just read or listen to music etc.

Who said he didn't when she was in charge of them on way out And yes I would actually

Umm, it’s your husband who is complaining about it. Mine would have been absolutely fine with it, but then I’m not in the habit of doing things deliberately to piss him off. I’d have checked if he was ok, just as he’d have checked if I was ok. I know who’s standards need to be raised and it isn’t me.

I haven’t read thru all the comments but I’d fully expect DH to come check on us if it was the other way round. Even take it in turns in the single seat to have a break. So yeah, I think YABU.

But equally out of compulsion I would have been checking on them every 5 mins 😂🤪

It has nothing to do with trust. I trust my husband can cope in any situation, but if something that’s difficult can easily be a two person job, it’s common courtesy to offer to share the load if you can.

See you’re assuming that posters who would have checked in are only doing it because they don’t trust their husband can parent.

I would have checked in with my DH… who is an excellent hands on dad… simply because
its a nice thing to do for your partner, even if he didn’t ‘need’ me to.

I think you've played it well and excellent work having 2.5 hrs to yourself, but yes if I was dh I'd be annoyed at my partner being rows away and not coming to say hi, take a child to the loo, take over some entertaining etc for a bit. It is hard work on a plane as they're sat still, if one needs the loo you have to leave the other, or all trek together, it's boring for 2.5 hrs and you're cramped in. It's not that it's impossible/intolerable but if there's an extra adult there then it's much easier/nicer. I guess it's a case of "it'd have been nice if you'd come to say hi and let me have a 10 min break and some adult conversation" vs "you're an awful parent for leaving me to do this impossible task of parenting my own kids for less than 3 hrs" (it's the first one, not the latter).
Recently I sat on a plane (longer, 4 hrs) with a mum and 2 young kids and they were horrendous - loud, kicking seats, didn't have enough to do, rude to flight attendant etc. They bought a drink and at that point I realised "dad" was sat 10 rows ahead and hadn't even seen them, just handed them the credit card to pay for snacks. I thought it was really bad form given how naughty the kids were being, I'd personally have really welcomed him grabbing one for a chat because then the little tit would have had a break from kicking the back of my chair.

I think the pre agreement and the fact that it was the DH’s late booking that meant the seats weren’t closer make it clear that the OP definitely isn’t U.

Honestly, he just thinks you need to check because it’s him who’s stuck with the kids and he can’t possibly be expected to do things you do as a matter of course.

OP, did the kids behave (gawp at iPads) for the duration or did he actually need to entertain them? If the former then he’s nitpicking, if the latter then maybe he has a point.

I would have checked in several times as a bare minimum, capable or not. I would have definitely switched half way though.
I think flights are different to regular childcare. Yes you could go out at home and leave the other parent with the kids to it but travelling with children can often bring extra stress because they’re strapped to one place for an extended period of time and tired from the holiday/travelling so I do think it’s an exceptional circumstance personally.
Is there more to this? Has he been leaving you to all the childcare on holiday? If not, then yes I’d say YABU

My DH and I are both more than capable of looking after our kids for an indefinite amount of time without the other one. We do it all the time whilst the other one works or is out with family/friends.

If one of us got the opportunity to sit in peace for 2.5 hours, we’d share it. We actually care about each other and making sure we get an equal allocation of parenting and down time. Swapping who was sat in the solo seat mid flight means you both get time to just chill. Sitting across the row isn’t really the same because you’re right there. Unless you’re like the dickhead “D”H who ignored the vomiting child, you’re able to see if your help is needed when you’re sat right there. You can wait with the children if the other parent needs the toilet.

Unless you say did 100% of the parenting all holiday whilst he chilled with a beer, YABU and not presenting well here. You think you’re right though so why bother asking.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

So he somehow messed up the but he was responsible for - booking the return seats.

But somehow he is playing the victim because you didn’t check on him.
It’s like …. he just got the consequence of his lateness?

Plus tbh, even if @Dhflightsulk had had the seat next to the them, on the other side of the aisle, it wouldnt have made it easier or any different anyway.

Nope, he is just put out because the OP didn’t automatically cover for him and offer to stay with the dcs.
Which is just weird because I’m pretty he knows you, knows you’d have stuck to the agreed seating plan. So why he is expecting something else baffles me tbh.

I couldn’t do this. I wouldn’t check in to see that DH was fine because I know he would, but I’d definitely go and see the kids a couple of times.

I would check. What if he had needed the toilet? Do you think it reasonable to take both children with him or leave them to run around the plane while he went by himself?

What is this thread? Were the roles reversed I’m sure the majority of men would enjoy their ‘relaxing’ flight without a second thought let alone doubting themselves enough to post about it on mumsnet.

With a 2 year old yeah although we both could manage, out of courtesy we would walk up and check in on each other

I trust my DH to look after our children on a short haul flight. He would be fine for a couple of hours.
That said I also love him and see myself as part of a team where we support each other. Two preschoolers on a plane is tough (I speak from experience) l. I would definitely have checked and possibly have swapped half way just to be supportive and let him know he wasn't on his own with our children. And I absolutely know with certainty that he would have done the same. It's just courteous to be considerate.