AIBU to think excluding spouses from rehearsal dinners is unusual?

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I think I am losing a bit of grip.

People can of course do whatever they want at events that are theirs and that they are paying for.

Last year my SiL only invited her parents, siblings, a couple of cousins and a couple of friends to her wedding. I was not invited but neither was Brother-in-law. I swung between anger and sobbing.

DH admitted it was unconventional but it was up to them.

Now, we are invited to a wedding in a few weeks, DH was going to be an usher but the best man has had to drop out and DH is now best man.

They have had a meal with the wedding party last week I wouldn’t have expected to be invited to this, but they are having a Rehearsal Dinner which I have only heard of through American Sitcoms. I am not invited to this.

So I will check into a hotel with my husband but won’t be able to eat with him. This isn’t normal protocol is it?

I feel people are just losing any sense of decency or is it me? Am I out of touch?

So now you are accepting that it wasn’t personal. But at the time you were sobbing or something?

You seem to be trying to make posters believe this was an etiquette thread, when you clearly feel dreadfully aggrieved not to be more front and center in the lives of your in-laws and your DH friends.

I always accepted my sister-in-law’s decision was not personal but I was hugely aggrieved not to have been invited to my husband’s sister’s wedding- not to be front and centre.

As for his cousin’s wedding, again don’t expect to be front and centre and while being completely able to walk to Pizza Express on my own, I would have thought some consideration would have been given to the partners of the wedding party.

I think the genuine upset at my sister-in-law’s wedding decisions or pondering at what I consider a breach of etiquette makes me controlling or lacking in self esteem.

I agree with this. Although the idea of a dinner rehearsal is beyond me, surely we all know how to behave at a meal?

But surely you will acknowledge that if there’s a pattern of over-the-top reactions to perceived slights most people wouldn’t think twice about, some of this is on you? And that you seem to be using ‘etiquette’ as some kind of alibi for ‘What about meeeee? Why haven’t you invited meeeee?’

It’s not the dinner that the rehearsal is for! It’s so that the wedding party can get together the day before the wedding and make sure everyone knows their responsibilities, cues, rough timings etc — needed in this case because the OP’s DH is a last-minute replacement for the best man!

In the case of the rehearsal dinner it’s “what about me AND all the left out partners”

now if it’s town centre hotel and you can go to local pizza express that’s slightly better but I have been to lots of out of town weddings where your choice is just the hotel dining room, which seens particularly awkward if sat alone with all other guests at another table -Like YOU are making it awkward too.

So you’d have to grab bar snacks or bring a pot noodle or sandwich to have in your room (as room service often very limited and/or expensive!)

Is a rehearsal dinner where people learn to use cutlery?

Sounds bonkers.

Honestly it must be so draining to constantly want life to revolve all around you. Your post can't be about etiquette when you are so dramatic and just disagree with anyone suggesting you need to just move on and let people have the day they actually want.

If you don't like it... stay at home.

Rehearsal Dinners are a bizarre US thing.

In reality / UK there is a rehearsal and the main participants attend. IME everyone else not involved goes to the pub and has a piss up and the rehearsal attendees join as soon as they can and get bladdered after a couple of hours of tedium.

Normal UK etiquette would be wedding party meet at the church, do the rehearsal, then grooms parents treat groom and ushers to a meal. Brides parents host bride and bridesmaids for dinner. Siblings or grandparents may be invited, but I’ve never joined as a plus one at what is just the last ‘single’ meal for bride and groom.
In the US, it’s more the grooms parents event, where they invite the out of towners and both the bride and groom would be present. Much bigger event where close plus ones would be invited.

ah did i miss that the OP is in the US? if all the participants are from the US and it is true that it isn't normal not to invite spouses it is rude.

Book a table with other excludees at the same place and be raucous?

ETA: nope it's in Yorkshire. My previous post applies.

Perhaps they already have a full complement of hysterical drama queens.

I can’t remember what this thread on here was about but the OP was upset and what she actually said was she was actually pleased that not everyone agreed with her as had the majority agreed with her it would have cemented her hurt, as if she had been deliberately excluded.

I don’t want or need everyone to agree with me but I am not a drama queen and I am not constantly thinking that I should be included in everything.

In my 38 years I have had issues with two weddings, a major issue with my sister-in-law not inviting me (and other partners) to her wedding and I have a slight issue with me (and other partners) not being thought about the night before.

WhenDH goes out on his own from home no issues at all but kind of weird being separated in the same hotel. I would feel awkward bumping into people the night before but accept that’d just me.

No more to say now.

A rehearsal dinner is an American concept
It's a dinner the night before the wedding

I think a tiny wedding of blood relatives only isn’t anything to cry about. I think a meal with wedding party only is something to be pleased about. Otherwise you’d be stuck at some endless meal sat with random partners or grandparents.

There are no rules around weddings - in the states or anywhere else. I grew up in the states and the wedding I was MOH was wedding party only rehearsal dinner. I had a very casual wedding and the majority of people were out of town family so we had a very casual buffet the night before for whoever was in town. We didn’t rehearse anything. Either was fine as the invitations and expectations were really clear.

I think it's very rude. Unmarried couples I can understand a bit more, but married couples should be invited together.

What is it about weddings that the guests always feel the need to weigh in about invitations? If you don’t like it, don’t go 🤷‍♀️

Getting angry and crying iust seems excessive.

People are conflating the two weddings;?I only cried about SiL leaving out her in-laws like we were nobody.

I haven’t spent nearly enough attention on the cousin’s wedding, to which I am invited and looking forward to it.

Why would you expect to be at the rehearsal dinner when you aren’t a part of the wedding party. You aren’t excluded from the actual wedding - you need to stop being so dramatic!

It’s not rude. She has been invited to the wedding with her DH but not the wedding rehearsal dinner as she isn’t a part of the wedding.

I wanted to know what English people thought the etiquette for Rehearsal Dinners is

Well, there isn't one, as they are not, traditionally 'a thing' in the UK.
So we could bow to the knowledge of the Americans commenting on the thread, but, as it seems there is disagreement between them, it would seem there is no 'etiquette'.
For me, if the wedding were local, and (like a pp said) there was a rehearsal that people who will be doing something in the service attend, and then the couple treat those people to a meal afterwards, then no, I wouldn't expect other halves to be invited. However I feel if the wedding is nowhere near home, and you are expecting (in this case) the best man to come to the venue the day before and stay in the hotel, then I do agree with the OP, that, knowing the Best Man's wife has travelled down the day before and is sitting alone in the hotel, common curtesy would mean that she too would be invited to the meal.
If it is a case of money, then don't have "a rehearsal dinner" but say to all the wedding part and their partners "Those of us that are staying the night before are all heading out to {insert} local pub name / Bella Pasta / Nandos / Wagamama / local curry house the night before if anyone wants to meet us there" and everyone will expect to pay for themselves.

Your histrionics at not being invited to what was clearly a teeny, tiny wedding, along with the other in-laws, is / was ridiculous.

It doesn't really matter how long it takes to run through it, the cost to the participants is in coming along and putting that bit of an additional day aside. So a thank you for doing that is a thoughtful touch.

This is the melodrama people are referring to. Not being invited is being treated “like nobody”. Thats hyperbole. You weren’t treated like the blood relatives and friends they wanted to invite to their wedding - so what?

and yeah, i would have accepted it without much thought - probably would think “good for them doing what they want”. It’s really not an insult not to be invited.