AIBU to think excluding spouses from rehearsal dinners is unusual?

[Unlisted]

I think I am losing a bit of grip.

People can of course do whatever they want at events that are theirs and that they are paying for.

Last year my SiL only invited her parents, siblings, a couple of cousins and a couple of friends to her wedding. I was not invited but neither was Brother-in-law. I swung between anger and sobbing.

DH admitted it was unconventional but it was up to them.

Now, we are invited to a wedding in a few weeks, DH was going to be an usher but the best man has had to drop out and DH is now best man.

They have had a meal with the wedding party last week I wouldn’t have expected to be invited to this, but they are having a Rehearsal Dinner which I have only heard of through American Sitcoms. I am not invited to this.

So I will check into a hotel with my husband but won’t be able to eat with him. This isn’t normal protocol is it?

I feel people are just losing any sense of decency or is it me? Am I out of touch?

I think this is regional as my husband wasn’t invited when I was maid of honour in the states. Didn’t occur to anyone to be offended. There was the ceremony rehearsal followed by a meal. My husband did whatever. Think he got room
service? Was a total non issue.

I think it's really poor behaviour.
One of the reasons I married my husband was because I loved the loving close inclusive family he came from . I wanted to be a part of that

If one of them invited him and not me to an important family event, the he just wouldn't go. And same goes for my family inviting me an not him. We come as a pair, so you don't get to separate us.

I'll be honest, your DH shouldn't go to the meal. If he sees you as integral to his life and as part of his family unit he should feel as you do. If he doesn't, then you should question his commitment.

I once attended a rehearsal dinner. My nephew was getting married. This was abroad and my dh was also included and also spouses of the bridal party.

Whereas I, in 1993, in the US, was invited, as nothing more than the girlfriend of the bride's brother, to fully attend the wedding ceremonies including the rehearsal dinner. My boyfriend's family were amazing. Shame he wasn't!

Why wouldn't she care? And that doesn't mean she's glued together, it's common courtesy.

I swung between anger and sobbing

Why?

Going off on a slight tangent, your finger bowl example reminds me of an incident my DH had in a fairly upscale Chinese restaurant some years before we got together (he’d have been early 20. He wasn’t well seasoned to dining in more formal and higher standard restaurants but his then GF was keen to try it. So they went as a group, including his GF, his best friend and best friend’s GF.

They’d finished their starters which I think were ribs, no problems. Waitress cleared the table and then and laid out a small bowls for each diner, containing water and a slice of lemon. Without stopping to think, my DH picked his little bowl, assuming it was soup and started drinking out of it. After taking one sizeable gulp from the bowl, he started to gag, spitting the remnants loudly and in clear eyeline of other guests. DH then starts loudly asking what that was as it tastes disgusting. At which time the waitress standing across the restaurant floor, immediately understood what had happened and, whilst screaming Nooooooo Mr at the top of her voice, sprinted full pelt to the table, grabbed the bowl out of his hands and as politely and delicately as possible with very little broken English and mainly mime gestures broke the news that he’d just drank soupy lemon water which is meant for washing your fingers when they are sticky after meals and not drinking at all!

By this point all others at that table are in fits of giggles, and some other diners sat close enough to hear the drama are also chuckling away.

since a child DH has a thing about being laughed at, so once what had happened actually clicked, DH within a very short window (15/30 seconds ) starts cycling through reactions : shame, mortification, anger and ultimately settled on denial and bargaining. The whole friends group that were there were made to promise to never mention it to anyone else. Then he insisted on him and GF paying their share of the order and leaving immediately before the main courses have even been delivered.

To this day, he has refused to go back and visit this restaurant over the worry he’ll be recognised. He‘s since made the mistake of telling me and I think it’s completely hilarious so have shared with my Mum and Dad who do use it occasionally to give him a gentle teasing.

Why would a guest go to a rehersal dinner of they were not part of the wedding party? Isnt the clue in the name?

Spouse or not

Just be thankful you are not involved in the ridiculous over the top occasion that weddings have now become.
Whatever happened to having cake and sandwiches in the village hall? Now the most ordinary weddings have become like a full scale production.

@Unlisted surely the partners of the rest of the bridal party are also not invited? Could you not book a table with them and have your own rehearsal "get to know the plus ones" dinner. You will all be on your own on the big day while partners perform duties.
It is bad form to exclude you but its also not a big deal. Their "free" dinner wont be without cost. The bride and groom will be finalising their instructions to the bridal party. You probably have a lucky escape

Unless the meal is really just a gathering to plan for the day and each person's part in the service, seems unreasonable to me.

It’s plain rude. If people are from out of town thus staying in a hotel not socialising with them is wrong, fine to say your guests need to pay £x per head for the Friday night dinner (it’s not a rehearsal, we don’t have them here) but to not invite half a couple, no wrong

@Unlisted yes its odd and imo fucking rude but ultimately you can view this as a clear signal which will save you a lot of hassle long term.

The "anger and sobbing" is presumably grieving the death of the close relationship you had hoped to have had?

I kinda feel you...
My bil and sil are getting married in another CONTINENT on a convenient SUNDAY and their nieces/nephews who they are GODPARENTS to are not invited. The venue has no onsite accommodation for us and their suggestion was we leave a 4 and 2 yo with complete strangers in a hotel room in a different continent... they got the hump when we rsvped for my dh only 👍

For me it means I can without guilt drop the rope. I now have zero interest in investing in the relationship beyong beige politeness.

Anger and sobbing? Is there a massive back story here? That’s a massive overreaction to not being invited to a rehearsal dinner.

Someone else’s event is not all about you. I think you need to work on accepting that

Another one who is struggling with the concept of not being top of the list

Yes, this is a sensible, calm answer. Irrespective of any hyperbole on the part of the OP, it does seem rather inelegant of the bride and groom not to give a crap about the OP being in the hotel for their wedding (and paying for this) and where she might be eating.

Will there be others on their own, expected to eat without their spouses or partners? The B&G might have at least looked into and suggested some arrangements for them to eat together, and enquired if they would like to meet each other and have some company. It only takes a brief, simple note along the lines of, 'For those not attending the formal rehearsal dinner, there will be bar meals available in the hotel lounge from 7.30-9.30pm where you may like to meet each other and have a first drink on us.' Something like that would at least show a bit of thought.

A decent, confident host helps their guests feel comfortable, makes introductions, and cares at least a little about those who have have made the effort to be there.

I think it’s the op that’s entitled not the bride and groom

Op did you expect and invite to the stag too?
i would think great evening to myself in hotel room and have a long bath and really enjoy it, or get in touch with the other non invited spouses and have a drink in the bar with them

I mean, we invited partners to our rehearsal dinner, but partners generally all had a role and everyone was staying in the hotel where the meal was so probably would have been eating at the next table alone if we hadn’t. 😂

A rehearsal dinner is literally the feeding of people who have come and rehearsed the wedding with you for a couple hours. Generally, I don’t think there is a rule that you invite partners of people in the wedding party who come later because they weren’t at the rehearsal. It’s literally who is there. Our partners all happened to be there, so they joined us and we fed them to say thank you for turning up a day early and sitting through that 3 hour shitshow of our wedding music not working.

Honestly, I would not be at all sad to miss such a dinner and would be grateful to escape for a nice peaceful meal away from someone else’s wedding stress.

The dinner is for the wedding party, and you aren’ t part of that.

I have been to a couple of weddings where DH was best man, and barely saw him at either.

I was being facetious.

The whole idea is just bullshit. It takes 20 minutes to rehearse the wedding ceremony.

Swinging between anger and sobbing?!

I wonder what the SIL and current bridal party would give as their reasons for not inviting you-I could hazard a few guesses.

They probably want a special meal with just those people they've grown up with before they embark upon married life. That sounds really nice actually, I can't imagine why you'd be offended? It will likely be lots of reminiscing, with endless stories about shared childhood adventures you presumably weren't part of, so you'd probably be bored silly. Or wailing that you weren't being included. If you've actually known them since childhood and believed you were besties, then maybe fair enough, but otherwise I think you're being very unreasonable. Your reactions seem pretty self-centred tbh.

Ah, well, there’s your issue.
Yorkshire

These rude people will still be accepting of gifts presumably paid for by joint money though?
I'd stay home and enjoy a quiet night personally...