AIBU to think excluding spouses from rehearsal dinners is unusual?

[Unlisted]

I think I am losing a bit of grip.

People can of course do whatever they want at events that are theirs and that they are paying for.

Last year my SiL only invited her parents, siblings, a couple of cousins and a couple of friends to her wedding. I was not invited but neither was Brother-in-law. I swung between anger and sobbing.

DH admitted it was unconventional but it was up to them.

Now, we are invited to a wedding in a few weeks, DH was going to be an usher but the best man has had to drop out and DH is now best man.

They have had a meal with the wedding party last week I wouldn’t have expected to be invited to this, but they are having a Rehearsal Dinner which I have only heard of through American Sitcoms. I am not invited to this.

So I will check into a hotel with my husband but won’t be able to eat with him. This isn’t normal protocol is it?

I feel people are just losing any sense of decency or is it me? Am I out of touch?

What are you going to do tomorrow when your DH leaves you to have lunch alone before the wedding because he has best man duties?
More sobbing?

she did invite her own brother

When I, and brother-in-law, and other partners weren’t invited to SiL’s wedding I was possibly a bit dramatic to my husband as I was upset and insulted.

I am invited to this wedding but not this dinner the night before.

I think your reaction to your SIL wedding was ridiculous and over the top 🙄 she obviously wanted a tiny wedding with her nearest and dearest, that's her choice!

As for the rehearsal dinner, it sounds like it's just for the wedding party 🤷‍♀️ I'd happily get pj's on, order room service and veg out with a film on - in fact I'd much rather do that than attend a rehearsal dinner!

Do you have a tendency to fall out with people?

@Unlisted are you upset you’re not a bridesmaid/planning on wearing a white dress like Aunt Sarah?

Having a rehearsal dinner is tragic. Why are weddings so huge and stupid now.

I misread. She didn’t invite any partners though so again, it wasn’t a personal snub

I swung between anger and sobbing.

I stopped reading there. How ridiculous.

I lived in America for a while so I’m familiar with the etiquette around rehearsal dinners over there, which I assume the couple wish to transplant.

It would be unheard of not to invite the spouse of the best man (or anyone else in the wedding party). It would be the talk of the weekend and considered very tacky and gauche.

I couldn’t get worked up over this. Yes, it’s a bit thoughtless because you’re going to be on your own in a hotel room, but it’s not a big deal.
To be honest, I would kill for a few hours on my own in a hotel with a good book, room service and a bottle of wine.

I don’t think I am dramatic in real life and I haven’t fallen out with anyone since primary school.

I do think my SiL and this couple lack a bit of grace.

Fair play if people disagree with me but I am genuinely unsettled by these events. It is as if people don’t care about hurting feelings and inconveniencing people they are meant to care for.

But that's the opposite of what @thicklysettled said, and they're still in the US. How do we know which one of you is right?

And yet the American further up the thread says the exact opposite to you so clearly it's not even very clear across the pond.

So you all think she needs to hide in her hotel room? What if she wants to eat in the restaurant, on her table for one ostracised by the wedding party?

You lot have no idea how to behave decently.

That’s a you problem.

you’re choosing to be offended and somehow tie up your feelings of being valued and important by the inclusion of being invited.

your SIL clearly didn’t single you out. She was equal in her decisions on who to invite. She must have had her reasons. It sounds like you caused your husband a lot of stress before his sisters tiny wedding.

why you think you should be invited to the rehearsal dinner I’ve no idea. But your feelings on it aren’t fact and it’s not a huge social faux par on their side.

i suggest you self reflect and work out why this is making you feel this way and work on your self esteem and the ability to see that people make different decisions to you.

I do think my SiL and this couple lack a bit of grace.
How... they are doing what they want for their weddings. It's literally their days!

Fair play if people disagree with me but I am genuinely unsettled by these events.
Have you considered therapy... because being unsettled is literally such an exaggeration.

It is as if people don’t care about hurting feelings and inconveniencing people they are meant to care for.
Honestly get a grip. It is THEIR wedding. Its not about you. How are you inconvenienced? If it's that big a deal tell her DH to stay home and mind you because you're too upset to be alone for a few hours while he partakes in a wedding event. What are you planning to do while your husband is actually being a best man and can't babysit you at the wedding?

Literally who said that? She’s free to do as she pleases, she’s just not being bought a meal after the rehearsal she’s not part of.

It’s rude. I wouldn’t invite someone without inviting their partner

Rehearsal dinners are a thing here (US) and the spouses or long time partners of the wedding party are invited. That's the norm. It's weird that he's the best man and you're not invited. Are the wedding couple American?

I think it’s bad form to be honest. It’s like saying oh let’s have a family Christmas but only invite SIL and not her husband! I’m sure she would be offended.

And who on earth has a rehearsal dinner? How very self important of them.

Your sil not inviting you but inviting your husband to her wedding is so rude. Yes it's her "big day" etc and she might not have money for an extra person, but that is rude. I'd honestly rather elope than just invite my brother without his wife, if I was that strapped for cash.

Like it or not, people do remember these things and it isn't all about the bride and groom if they're inviting other people. If it is all for them, they don't need to invite anyone at all other than a couple of witnesses.

All that said, sobbing and raging about it is unusual...

The current invitation wouldn't bother me, but again I think it's quite poor form to invite one half of a couple and not the other. It wouldn't be a problem, but I'd think they had bad manners

No I agree it’s pretty rude.

are they even rehearsing? Or just having a meal the night before at the hotel the wedding is at but only inviting select people?
it would be better to just invite everyone to a communal meal at the hotel that everyone pays themselves, no partner left out.

Life is easier and less dramatic if you organise your own events following what you think the rules should be, but then accept that other people are organising their own events according to the rules as they think they should be.

For example, if I organise an event - say a bbq, I wouldn't dream of expecting anyone to bring anything to eat or drink. To me, that's my role as a host. If anyone offers to bring something, I politely decline. But other people organise bbqs and ask people to bring things. I don't judge them, because they just have a different set of ideas. I just bring something.

No drama, no judgement, no rigid set of rules that I think are universal.

I'm sure, but like it or not, there are rules. There are books dedicated to etiquette and manners. There are very well paid people who are professionals at understanding protocol, so that state leaders don't do the "wrong" thing depending on who they are meeting and what they are doing.

It is a nice thing to be tolerant though. But it is something people remember.

I do think op sobbing about a (lack of) wedding invitation is too much though