Page 5 | AIBU to think excluding spouses from rehearsal dinners is unusual?

Unlisted · 2026-06-12T18:20:31+00:00

I think I am losing a bit of grip. People can of course do whatever they want at events that are theirs and that they are paying for. Last year my SiL only invited her parents, siblings, a couple of cousins and a couple of friends to her wedding. I was not invited but neither was Brother-in-law. I swung between anger and sobbing. DH admitted it was unconventional but it was up to them. Now, we are invited to a wedding in a few weeks, DH was going to be an usher but the best man has had to drop out and DH is now best man. They have had a meal with the wedding party last week I wouldn’t have expected to be invited to this, but they are having a Rehearsal Dinner which I have only heard of through American Sitcoms. I am not invited to this. So I will check into a hotel with my husband but won’t be able to eat with him. This isn’t normal protocol is it? I feel people are just losing any sense of decency or is it me? Am I out of touch?

MoleskineNotebooks · Today 09:48

Unlisted · Yesterday 19:57

I don’t think I am dramatic in real life and I haven’t fallen out with anyone since primary school.

I do think my SiL and this couple lack a bit of grace.

Fair play if people disagree with me but I am genuinely unsettled by these events. It is as if people don’t care about hurting feelings and inconveniencing people they are meant to care for.

Oh, for heaven’s OP, one couple didn’t invite you because they didn’t invite any partner/spouses. Not a personal snub. This couple didn’t invite you to the rehearsal dinner because the clue is in the name — you have nothing to rehearse because you’re not in the wedding party. Also not a personal snub.

You sound absolutely exhausting.

PinkPonyAnonymous · Today 09:48

I think you have taken the SIL’s wedding more personally than was intended. It sounds like they didn’t wanted a small wedding and adding in partners and spouses was too much. It’s their wedding and that’s what they wanted.

My SIL went the other way with 200 people and it was so busy she didn’t get family photographs because the photographer couldn’t find the family 😂

The rehearsal dinner thing is a bit strange. I’ve been to an American rehearsal dinner and it was basically the entire wedding party (plus partners and spouses) and anyone who has travelled from out of town (us).

In a British context, I went to an actual rehearsal of a wedding, a walk through the evening before. My husband was best man and I tagged along. It was very boring tbh, I’d rather have stayed in the hotel. Bride and groom then left and the rest of us had dinner together but it wasn’t planned.

queenmeadhbh · Today 09:49

Being insulted, offended and sobbing that someone didn’t invite you to their wedding is the sign of an overdeveloped ego and shaky self esteem. Why is it insulting??? You said SIL only invited a handful of family and friends. It’s not like they invited everyone they knew and said “but specifically not Unlisted I hate that bitch”

Gall10 · Today 09:52

Rehearsal dinner? Are you being taught how to use the proper knife? How many more Americanisations can we take?

BudgetBuster · Today 10:05

@Unlisted Have you considered getting your bloods / hormones checked out?

You seem to have to be overly involved and emotive in events that just don't concern you. Your SIL had the wedding she wanted last year... 9 months later at Christmas you were still causing a scene and making snide comments to her. In another thread, you were getting overly involved in who your grandmother was inviting / not inviting to her 90th birthday (and you saw no issue that she didn't want some people invited). And now you are throwing a strop because you aren't part of the wedding party dinner.

I genuinely don't know how you function on a daily basis with all the emotions you feel and I think there might be something deeper here to look into.

burnoutbabe · Today 10:07

OtherS · Today 09:44

They probably want a special meal with just those people they've grown up with before they embark upon married life. That sounds really nice actually, I can't imagine why you'd be offended? It will likely be lots of reminiscing, with endless stories about shared childhood adventures you presumably weren't part of, so you'd probably be bored silly. Or wailing that you weren't being included. If you've actually known them since childhood and believed you were besties, then maybe fair enough, but otherwise I think you're being very unreasonable. Your reactions seem pretty self-centred tbh.

But That’s the stag or hen. Not a joint party of bride and groom plus parents.

one assumes that only brides dad had to actually “rehearse” but all parents would be invited to this? Mum isn’t left in her room!

MoleskineNotebooks · Today 10:15

BudgetBuster · Today 10:05

@Unlisted Have you considered getting your bloods / hormones checked out?

You seem to have to be overly involved and emotive in events that just don't concern you. Your SIL had the wedding she wanted last year... 9 months later at Christmas you were still causing a scene and making snide comments to her. In another thread, you were getting overly involved in who your grandmother was inviting / not inviting to her 90th birthday (and you saw no issue that she didn't want some people invited). And now you are throwing a strop because you aren't part of the wedding party dinner.

I genuinely don't know how you function on a daily basis with all the emotions you feel and I think there might be something deeper here to look into.

Oh, is this the same poster? All is explained, though god knows how she functions at the level of operatic upset on a day to day basis.

mandysocks · Today 10:17

I’m sorry but I couldn’t read past you “swinging between sobbing and anger” over not getting invited to your husband’s sister’s wedding. Why on earth do you care that much? I cant even be arsed to discussed whether it’s odd etc because your reaction is so ridiculous.

MoleskineNotebooks · Today 10:18

Gall10 · Today 09:52

Rehearsal dinner? Are you being taught how to use the proper knife? How many more Americanisations can we take?

They’re not rehearsing for the dinner! Presumably dinner is after a run-through of who does what and stands where, speeches in what order etc — probably necessary because the OP’s DH is a last-minute stand-in for the best man.

Edenmum2 · Today 10:28

i find the idea of rehearsing a wedding absolutely bonkers. And the poor guests who have to sit through it twice…

Parker231 · Today 10:32

Unlisted · Yesterday 19:26

I am more than capable of eating alone but it’s the poor etiquette for want of a better word that upsets me and actually it’s making me feel unsettled about the values I have.

We had a wedding rehearsal dinner - most guests had flown in for the wedding so easy way to coordinate what was happening on the day. We only invited the wedding party as that is who the dinner was for.

AlphaApple · Today 10:32

YANBU, OP, it’s just rude.

OtherS · Today 10:34

burnoutbabe · Today 10:07

But That’s the stag or hen. Not a joint party of bride and groom plus parents.

one assumes that only brides dad had to actually “rehearse” but all parents would be invited to this? Mum isn’t left in her room!

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Stag or hen is usually a lot boozier, and doesn't include all your family members. Or at least that was the case in my day! A nice refined dinner reminiscing about the past with all your closest family and oldest friends, male and female, seems a lovely way to spend the last night before your wedding actually. Obviously I don't know if that's what's planned in this case, but it's what I'd assume was intended if only my husband was invited to his sister's dinner. Of course, if all her other sibling's partners were invited apart from me I might be a bit put out! Otherwise I can't see the issue.

burnoutbabe · Today 10:50

I can see that if it was separate dinners for the 2 sides.
but it’s not -it’s one meal for all sides based on who had to reherse (but also including mums who don’t actually have any particular needs to rehearse, similar to grooms dad)

best man should just decline really and say he’d prefer to eat with his wife that evening rather than her be in her own. He had presumably spent afternoon with its everyone and could also add they’d both join them all for a drink after dinner in the bar. That would be the polite thing for him to do.

MoleskineNotebooks · Today 10:52

burnoutbabe · Today 10:50

I can see that if it was separate dinners for the 2 sides.
but it’s not -it’s one meal for all sides based on who had to reherse (but also including mums who don’t actually have any particular needs to rehearse, similar to grooms dad)

best man should just decline really and say he’d prefer to eat with his wife that evening rather than her be in her own. He had presumably spent afternoon with its everyone and could also add they’d both join them all for a drink after dinner in the bar. That would be the polite thing for him to do.

Maybe this wedding is in the 21st century and the mothers are making speeches, or doing readings, or walking their children up the aisle?

aneveningatthecricket · Today 10:52

ALovelyPinkUnicorn · Yesterday 19:36

This, are you somewhere horrendously rural where you can’t get any food and the restaurant they’re eating at can only serve one table?
are you quite dramatic (it’s all about meeeee!) generally?

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I read it that she wasn’t invited to her brothers wedding - (as it was her sister in law?) surely it’s ok to sob or be angry in this situation?

PinkTonic · Today 10:53

Unlisted · Yesterday 19:44

I was horrendously offended and upset that my husband’s sister didn’t invite me to her wedding.

As for this wedding I think it’s really poor etiquette not to include partners at the Rehearsal Dinner.

I am able to eat alone and can afford to do so but I still think it’s bad manners.

It’s very rude to have invited guests staying the night before the wedding and not have them all at dinner. A lot of people have literally no manners these days and unfortunately they still want fancy weddings even though they’ve no idea how to behave.

BudgetBuster · Today 10:57

aneveningatthecricket · Today 10:52

I read it that she wasn’t invited to her brothers wedding - (as it was her sister in law?) surely it’s ok to sob or be angry in this situation?

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She wasn't invited to her husbands sisters wedding.

Original poster

Unlisted · Today 11:05

I don’t feel that I am particularly operatic’ in my everyday life.

I was genuinely upset about not being invited to my sister-in-law’s wedding. I know of no other married in person not invited to an in-law wedding. Would everyone just have totally accepted this without a thought?

Again I do not think I should be the top of anyone’s list when they are planning an event. Again I am capable of eating alone and don’t need to meet up with the wedding party’s other halves.

I accept that on the day DH will be busy and I haven’t asked where I am sitting or with whom because it’s not about me.

I came on here to comment on what I perceive to be the lack of manners and regard some people have for their guests’ comfort. I wanted to know what English people thought the etiquette for Rehearsal Dinners is.

I notice that American posters have disagreed as well so maybe the etiquette isn’t fixed in stone.

OP posts:

PrueRamsay · Today 11:11

Unlisted · Today 11:05

I don’t feel that I am particularly operatic’ in my everyday life.

I was genuinely upset about not being invited to my sister-in-law’s wedding. I know of no other married in person not invited to an in-law wedding. Would everyone just have totally accepted this without a thought?

Again I do not think I should be the top of anyone’s list when they are planning an event. Again I am capable of eating alone and don’t need to meet up with the wedding party’s other halves.

I accept that on the day DH will be busy and I haven’t asked where I am sitting or with whom because it’s not about me.

I came on here to comment on what I perceive to be the lack of manners and regard some people have for their guests’ comfort. I wanted to know what English people thought the etiquette for Rehearsal Dinners is.

I notice that American posters have disagreed as well so maybe the etiquette isn’t fixed in stone.

I thought you said that the other in-laws weren’t invited either? So you do know of others. It wasn’t all about you.

Original poster

Unlisted · Today 11:18

Other in-laws were not invited to my sister-in-law’s wedding . It was not personal.

For this wedding where DH is best man I don’t need to pal up with the wedding party’s other halves while the wedding party is attending the Rehearsal Dinner. I am capable of being alone.

I wanted my post to be about the etiquette of such things. I wasn’t expecting my gran’s birthday to be discussed.

OP posts:

thesealion · Today 11:21

Unlisted · Today 11:05

I don’t feel that I am particularly operatic’ in my everyday life.

I was genuinely upset about not being invited to my sister-in-law’s wedding. I know of no other married in person not invited to an in-law wedding. Would everyone just have totally accepted this without a thought?

Again I do not think I should be the top of anyone’s list when they are planning an event. Again I am capable of eating alone and don’t need to meet up with the wedding party’s other halves.

I accept that on the day DH will be busy and I haven’t asked where I am sitting or with whom because it’s not about me.

I came on here to comment on what I perceive to be the lack of manners and regard some people have for their guests’ comfort. I wanted to know what English people thought the etiquette for Rehearsal Dinners is.

I notice that American posters have disagreed as well so maybe the etiquette isn’t fixed in stone.

Yes, I would have accepted it without giving it any further thought because it was clearly a small wedding with immediate family only. If it was a large wedding with me the only noticeable exclusion then I would assume it was a personal issue they had with me and probably let the relationship fizzle out.

Honeyhonay · Today 11:21

burnoutbabe · Today 10:50

I can see that if it was separate dinners for the 2 sides.
but it’s not -it’s one meal for all sides based on who had to reherse (but also including mums who don’t actually have any particular needs to rehearse, similar to grooms dad)

best man should just decline really and say he’d prefer to eat with his wife that evening rather than her be in her own. He had presumably spent afternoon with its everyone and could also add they’d both join them all for a drink after dinner in the bar. That would be the polite thing for him to do.

How do you know what the mothers or the grooms dad is doing or not doing in the wedding?

culty · Today 11:28

Rehearsal dinners are normally just a dinner after the rehearsal - which yes generally only includes the wedding party/parents/anyone playing a significant role in the wedding. Inviting partners then turns it into a far bigger thing that it needs to be.

And as for your SIL it sounds like she had an incredibly small wedding and wanted to be able to invite a couple of close friends who possibly might not have been invited had partners been invited?

burnoutbabe · Today 11:30

well I don’t know what parent is doing what.
But I doubt every parent has a specific role that needs rehearsing but I expect they’d all be at the dinner.

in USA I think grooms parents host the rehearsal dinner (if brides parents paying for main day) and any out of town guests staying are invited along plus partners of wedding party if also staying in the venue.

its supposed to be a welcoming event.