AIBU to think excluding spouses from rehearsal dinners is unusual?

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I think I am losing a bit of grip.

People can of course do whatever they want at events that are theirs and that they are paying for.

Last year my SiL only invited her parents, siblings, a couple of cousins and a couple of friends to her wedding. I was not invited but neither was Brother-in-law. I swung between anger and sobbing.

DH admitted it was unconventional but it was up to them.

Now, we are invited to a wedding in a few weeks, DH was going to be an usher but the best man has had to drop out and DH is now best man.

They have had a meal with the wedding party last week I wouldn’t have expected to be invited to this, but they are having a Rehearsal Dinner which I have only heard of through American Sitcoms. I am not invited to this.

So I will check into a hotel with my husband but won’t be able to eat with him. This isn’t normal protocol is it?

I feel people are just losing any sense of decency or is it me? Am I out of touch?

Ah right. So it’s up there with ‘baby showers’?

I’d be giving the whole wedding a swerve. And yes, I have actually swerved a family wedding that was becoming increasingly ridiculous, pretentious and ill-mannered in arrangements.

You can think it's poor or otherwise, but the etiquette is what it is (which is that partners of the wedding party aren't necessarily included)

But you aren’t in the wedding party, or presumably close family or you wouldn’t have mentioned it.

Im sorry but angry and sobbing is just OTT. You weren’t singled out personally and presumably aren’t being now so take a deep breath and get on with it, you are not the main character in someone else’s wedding.

But these people aren’t meant to care for you. Your SIL only knows you because you married her brother. She and her DH didn’t invite any partners so there was nothing remotely personal about it. Yet you chose to be “angry and sobbing” seriously?

Your DH friend doesn’t have to care about you either. It’s the tradition and the normal etiquette to only invite the formal wedding party to the rehearsal dinner. But you want to make it all about you again.

You seem to enjoy making tedious drama out of any opportunity if you aren’t front and centre.

I hope you didn't get SIL a wedding present.

I do too.

The OP’s husband is expected to eat with the ‘wedding party’. What do the bride and groom expect the OP to do?

She will either have to eat on a table in the same dining room, possibly on her own; or sit in her room and eat on her own. This, having spent time and money getting there and staying over.

This is not the way things are normally done in Yorkshire.

Just because someone has written a book, doesn't make them in charge. There's no obligation for anyone to follow what these "experts" say is right or wrong.

If you really want to fit into the group that an "expert" is explaining, fine. But to assume that's some sort of pinnacle of universal behaviour would make you a sheep.

Experts do have a role in diplomatic events - there are cross-cultural issues and very public situations that make them useful.

But in the OP's case, there don't seem to be cultural issues, just differing opinions. Being able to accept that has almost certainly made my social life less angst ridden than the OP's.

We had one 12 years ago, but we had lots of people travelling from all over the world and everyone needed to eat, so we booked out a section of a pub chain local to our venue.

We also had a goodbye lunch the day after to feed them all before they set off home.

Ours were all the more the merrier. It cost a bomb though. I appreciate why this couple have trimmed their numbers.

I’d be ordering room service/takeaway and having an early night!

I’m Yorkshire born and bred, and I wouldn’t be offended.

I think it's incredibly rude and mean of your SIL not to include you. You are a close relative
Has she got form for being like this? Your DH should pipe up tbh.

You are absolutely right that there is no obligation to follow these rules at all. I am sorry if I gave you the impression that I thought there was. There are no manners or etiquette police or laws. But there are rules. Some of them are unwritten.

There is no pinnacle of universal behaviour because the rules change depending on where you are or whom you are with.

You may say wishing to follow these rules is being a sheep. I say it is considering other people. I am sure you wouldn't turn up to a christening in club wear for example, or to a wedding in a long white dress. That is just making the smallest and most basic effort to consider other people before you consider yourself. It does not make you a sheep to do these things, or to think of these things or to prioritise other people's comfort above your own wishes.

Me too!!

Unsettled is a strong term, I imagine you have led a very fortunate life if not being invited to a dinner ‘unsettles’ you.

Also, you say these people are supposed to care for you. Why? They are not related to you and are not your friends. Just get room service, it’s not that deep.

If you are really upset by this, have a think about why. I find that helps when I am having an upset moment that might not be reasonable. It’s usually something triggered in me, as opposed to the situation being wrong.

I didn’t think Yorkshire folk were particularly known for standing on ceremony. They’re too pragmatic and down-to-earth for that, surely? Just get on wi’ it, lass, and stop mithering!

I would definitely not say that a SIL is a close relative. It's a relative by affinity, more like extended family. I don't think the people that my siblings married are my close or immediate family. Not like my parents or siblings are.

Even so, the SIL didn't invite any of her siblings spouses. Presumably because they wanted to have a small wedding.

While your first example is quite ok as obviously a tiny wedding, though unconventional as you say, (though your reaction was ridiculous). But it is considered etiquette to invite spouses or significant others to a rehearsal dinner. They are considered a ‘package deal’ and rude to leave out the spouse, especially if it means they are alone in a hotel!

But part of the problem the OP has is thinking that there is one set of rigid rules. Made worse by them being unwritten.

Knowing that there really isn't a single set of rules, because everyone else has a slightly different understanding, makes life easier. You can then begin to work out quite how far apart your expectations are from your SIL's, or whoever. You can relax about them breaking "your rules", because you know it isn't spite, it's just a different understanding of the world. You can even tune your behaviour to their rules at their events.

I think people have different opinions on etiquette in this situation. I would consider it highly strange for anyone not in the wedding party to be invited to the rehearsal dinner. It's a very intimate dinner for a select group.

But aren’t these rehearsal meals just something to thank those who have a role in the wedding? I mean, where do you draw the line? Next it would be ‘why can’t the children of the wedding party not go to the rehearsal meal? ’, or ‘why can’t Aunty Pat go?’. It’s best to have clear lines - just those who have a role, such as ushers, bridesmaids, best man, together with parents of bride and groom.

Oh yes, I agree that the op has been too unnerved by the perceived lack of manners and that she would do better to be more tolerant.

But just because you don't think they are helpful in this specific case, doesn't mean that they don't exist.

There are definitely times when bad etiquette/protocol is actually better manners than sticking rigidly to the rules. For example that famous story about someone drinking the finger bowl not realising that it was for their fingers and not to drink and the host/hostess drinking with the guest so they don't feel uncomfortable. The rule exists but it is sometimes better manners to do the opposite.

For me, the SIL not inviting spouses to her wedding is a breech of etiquette and also very bad manners.

With the rehearsal dinner thing I honestly don't know as rehearsal dinners are American. I believe it is customary to invite spouses to American rehearsal dinners, but maybe someone more knowledgeable could confirm.

Who needs to rehearse having dinner??

It’s just spunking more money, money, money.

The point of a rehearsal dinner is to host the wedding party and important guests like family, because you'd asked them to come the night before to run through the wedding. So if they need to stay overnight it is pretty rude to not ask the partner coming with them to the dinner too, knowing they will otherwise be left hanging about on their own. It's really selfish hosting not to extend an invitation.

the dinner isn't the rehearsal. A rehearsal dinner is dinner after the wedding party has had a rehearsal of the wedding so that people know where they are supposed to be when and what their role is. It's also (and in reality, mainly) an opportunity for those who are particularly important to the bride and groom to get to know each other and build stronger connections.

With the rehearsal dinner thing I honestly don't know as rehearsal dinners are American. I believe it is customary to invite spouses to American rehearsal dinners, but maybe someone more knowledgeable could confirm.

In the US it is customary to include spouses and long term partners, though not a casual date if you've given them a generic plus one. But it's also customary to host all out of town guests at the dinner. So if you're having it in a hotel where everyone has to travel, in theory you should host everyone. That's one of the reasons you (can!) read about huge 3 day event weddings that book out hotels for the weekend and have activities every day. The etiquette is generally seen as it being incumbent on the hosts to entertain those who have traveled.

A rehearsal dinner isn't a thing in the UK so there is no etiquette surrounding it