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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hen party problems

121 replies

Feralbookworm · Yesterday 08:14

I will try and keep this as sort as possible..

So basically i am bridesmaid for one of my close friends next year. I felt very privileged to be asked a few months ago about being part of her big day.

Feb time we were told where and when the away hen was to be but MOH would be organising. Hen do is to be October quite an expensive destination 4 nights. Immediately I was dreading it, for reference, I am a single parent to 2 girls. Myself and ex split over a year ago, not received any maintenance (ongoing case) and he’s very unreliable when it comes to seeing the girls. I don’t have a big support network except my mum ( who’s just went through significant treatment for health condition and therefore cannot drive).

Turned out hen was costing around £1000 plus, not including brunches planned or spending money/food/ nights out. I just knew there was no way I could afford it at such short notice. I only work part time and I can’t afford to take my kids away this year due to ongoing maintenance not being paid and potential legal fees solicitors etc. Now a lot of girls weren’t able to go but me being the only BM I felt awful. However, there was no budging on destination or dates which would have made it more affordable for everyone.

i explained to my friend that I couldn’t go, apologised profusely, explained that I genuinely just do not have the money and it wouldn’t be fair on the kids. plus it would be really difficult for me to have my girls minded as mum can’t drive etc etc

she wasn’t happy at all, said she expected me to be there for her, was really disappointed in me, it was her big day and she wanted me there for it etc etc: I said I am not missing your big day but due to mum not being well, kids I just can’t manage it, I will be there for the home hen party etc I got quite a dry message back about well she has no choice but to be ok with it. Not once was I asked if I was ok, was mum ok and I am actually now so hurt. For context I’ve just had the worst year of my life with my ex (abusive) and my mum being very unwell and I’ve never been asked if I’m even ok.

I haven’t heard anything from her since ( this is about a month ago) and now I don’t know what to do. It feels really awkward but I’m not willing to be walked over the top of. AIBU to feel so hurt?

OP posts:
PollyBell · Yesterday 08:17

I could be a billionaire i would still mot do this and no real friend would expect it

Daffydoll · Yesterday 08:18

Absolutely ridiculous to expect people to pay for this particularly when she knows your circumstances.
No support for you at all. I would be rethinking whether I wanted a “friend” like her.
Hope things get better for you and your mum x

Followthesunshine · Yesterday 08:20

When she said she was disappointed in you you should have said you were disappointed in her for being selfish enough to expect you to spend more than £1000 on a hen do. I had a lovely night out with friends, there is no need for friends having to take annual leave and spend huge amounts of money on a hen do

Original poster
Feralbookworm · Yesterday 08:20

Thank you!! This just seems to be becoming more and more of an issue. My cousin told me of her friend who has an absolute hissy fit that her BM couldn’t go to her away hen even tho she just gave birth 4 weeks prior. I think it’s all gone a bit mad, what’s wrong with going out for a night or away for one or 2 nights somewhere cheap and cheerful. 😮‍💨

OP posts:
HoneyBunny999 · Yesterday 08:21

No wedding should put any guest out of pocket, her behaviour is atrocious. I'm still livid my mum had to buy my dress when I was a bridesmaid for a relative in 1991.

PollyBell · Yesterday 08:22

Feralbookworm · Yesterday 08:20

Thank you!! This just seems to be becoming more and more of an issue. My cousin told me of her friend who has an absolute hissy fit that her BM couldn’t go to her away hen even tho she just gave birth 4 weeks prior. I think it’s all gone a bit mad, what’s wrong with going out for a night or away for one or 2 nights somewhere cheap and cheerful. 😮‍💨

Edited

100% agree with you

Original poster
Feralbookworm · Yesterday 08:22

HoneyBunny999 · Yesterday 08:21

No wedding should put any guest out of pocket, her behaviour is atrocious. I'm still livid my mum had to buy my dress when I was a bridesmaid for a relative in 1991.

This is another thing I was worried about. The dresses look expensive and there was already expectations about nails, makeup, hair….no mention of who was paying!

OP posts:
EscapeTheCastle · Yesterday 08:23

I'm really shocked about how awful this friend has been to you. Of course you can't go. Her response is just terrible. No wonder you are hurt and confused. I feel the same just reading your post.

DancingFerret · Yesterday 08:24

Your friend is not a close friend or indeed a friend at all. I would be bailing out of the wedding and the friendship. As the saying goes, with friends like her you don't need enemies.

There are nicer people out there - bail out. You have no reason to feel awful; this "friend" is selfish and has caused you nothing but angst.

Tillow4ever · Yesterday 08:24

She’s no friend at all of this is her attitude! I didn’t have an expensive hen do, just a night out in my home town (I didn’t even want a hen do, I was forced to have it), but if I did, I would be grateful anyone wanted to go along and certainly not pissed off with anyone that didn’t want to go, let alone couldn’t for any reason.

It’s massively selfish of her to be treating you this way. To try to guilt trip you by saying she wants you there for her big day when she’s only talking about one of her two hen dos, is out of line. She should be grateful you are going to the home hen do, and that you’ve agreed to be party of her wedding party!

Stand your ground. She’s being a bridezilla. If she falls out with you over this, she was never your friend in the first place and she’ll save you the cost of the hen do and a gift for the wedding lol!

I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such a tough year. I hope you and your mum are ok.

pambeesleyhalpert · Yesterday 08:25

She’s a terrible friend. Terrible. Do not feel bad you’ve done nothing wrong

HoneyBunny999 · Yesterday 08:27

@Feralbookworm oh dear! I mean I'm not usually one to bear a grudge but the dress was £72,a lot of money for my poor mum back then. I'd be inclined to swerve the entire event.....as others have said,she's no friend x

Sparkletastic · Yesterday 08:27

Offer to step down as bridesmaid then gradually fade out of her life / the wedding. She’s not a friend you need in your life.

Ilovecoffeeme · Yesterday 08:28

I’d be telling her to Foxtrot Oscar.

BleedinglyObvious · Yesterday 08:28

Decline the invitation to be a bridesmaid.
This is a bridezilla who doesn't give a monkey's about you.

icannotlivelaughloveintheseconditions · Yesterday 08:29

the bride and groom should cover any costs where they are choosing the item so usually dress , shoes, flowers. Hair/ nails as long as they are happy for you to manage this yourself then you do it to your budget.
but I would question how good a friend this woman is.

sesquipedalian · Yesterday 08:32

“I think it’s all gone a bit mad”
OP, it absolutely has. My DD has had to go on two very expensive hens - one she was a best friend of the bride; the other her DH is best friend and best man for the groom - and it’s madness. One was abroad; the other was a three day weekend in the UK in a very expensive location. Nobody wants to spend four days at a hen do. It seems to have got completely out of hand, and your friend is being v unreasonable - and it seems that brides also expect to be paid for by the rest of the hens, which makes it really cheeky choosing somewhere very expensive. Expecting anyone to spend £1000 on a hen do is unreasonable, but when you are berating a single mother of two small children, it’s off the scale. You are not being at all unreasonable, OP - bridezilla seems to have taken leave of her senses.

Roomonthe3rdfloor · Yesterday 08:33

Money aside, your reasons are absolutely valid for not going. You haven’t hindered her plans and you’re still attending the wedding, whats her issue!

hahabahbag · Yesterday 08:33

It’s all getting out of hand, it used to be dinner in a local restaurant and off to a nightclub, or something like the races, or a hobby type activity followed by a pub trip, now it’s all about oneupmanship on instagram. My friends thankfully haven’t bought into this - for my wedding 18 months ago (second admittedly) we booked a table in a local cheap bar/restaurant and bought everyone a drink the night before the wedding, they could buy food if they wished, everyone welcome including dc. For my dsds wedding she wants to go to a spa so her mum and I are coordinating it with a few close friends and female relatives, under £70 each unless they book expensive treatments, the relatives on DDs side stay with us, the ones on her mums side with her so no cost other than petrol

BeaLola · Yesterday 08:35

I am very sorry about your Mum and the tough time you’ve been having.

A true friend wouldn’t be insisting on this, demanding attendance etc - £1000+ for a hen do - it’s bonkers

a true friend would be there for you, listening, supporting and helping you in anyway they could

I would decline bridesmaid role and attendance at wedding - you don’t need her in your life

💐hope things improve for you soon

Thebigonesgetaway · Yesterday 08:37

I think it may have been better to focus on the money rather than your mum and the kids. As much as these are key issues. A simple I would love to come but I don’t have 1k, I’m really sorry, would likely have made this better.

she is likely hearing a lot of excuses in her mind. Mum. Kids, etc where as keeping it simple and saying I don’t have this kind of money and would have come if I did, would likely have avoided all this drama. As the money has become a side bar in the many issues raised.

Original poster
Feralbookworm · Yesterday 08:37

hahabahbag · Yesterday 08:33

It’s all getting out of hand, it used to be dinner in a local restaurant and off to a nightclub, or something like the races, or a hobby type activity followed by a pub trip, now it’s all about oneupmanship on instagram. My friends thankfully haven’t bought into this - for my wedding 18 months ago (second admittedly) we booked a table in a local cheap bar/restaurant and bought everyone a drink the night before the wedding, they could buy food if they wished, everyone welcome including dc. For my dsds wedding she wants to go to a spa so her mum and I are coordinating it with a few close friends and female relatives, under £70 each unless they book expensive treatments, the relatives on DDs side stay with us, the ones on her mums side with her so no cost other than petrol

This makes so much more sense and I would have definitely been up for that.
I’m also not someone who is into big nights out partying and drinking, so 4 days of it would absolutely fill me with anxiety.
I go out for a few drinks and like to be at home in my PJs by ten with a Chinese takeaway 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
Feralbookworm · Yesterday 08:39

Thebigonesgetaway · Yesterday 08:37

I think it may have been better to focus on the money rather than your mum and the kids. As much as these are key issues. A simple I would love to come but I don’t have 1k, I’m really sorry, would likely have made this better.

she is likely hearing a lot of excuses in her mind. Mum. Kids, etc where as keeping it simple and saying I don’t have this kind of money and would have come if I did, would likely have avoided all this drama. As the money has become a side bar in the many issues raised.

I think that’s also possible but regardless of that she knew these things were going on in my life anyway. So she would have known it wasn’t something I just made up on the spot. My mum’s had a benign brain tumour for over a year and spent over a month in intensive care last year, so none of this was news to her.

OP posts:
Applecup · Yesterday 08:49

You could always withdraw from being a bridesmaid. Say you can’t commit financially and time wise. She doesn’t sound much of a friend to be honest.

wishingonastar101 · Yesterday 08:51

Hi Jenny,

I was truly honoured when you asked me to be your bridesmaid, but after a lot of thought, I don't feel I can commit to the emotional, time, and financial responsibilities that the role deserves.

It's been quite a chaotic year for me, and I don't want to let you down or take on something I can't give my full attention to. I hope you can find someone else who can fully support you in the way you need.

I would still absolutely love to celebrate with you as a guest, if you're not too upset by this change of plan.

Thank you for understanding, and I'm so sorry to disappoint you - happy to fill you in on what a difficult time I have been having.

Love,
Debs