Hen party problems

[Feralbookworm]

I will try and keep this as sort as possible..

So basically i am bridesmaid for one of my close friends next year. I felt very privileged to be asked a few months ago about being part of her big day.

Feb time we were told where and when the away hen was to be but MOH would be organising. Hen do is to be October quite an expensive destination 4 nights. Immediately I was dreading it, for reference, I am a single parent to 2 girls. Myself and ex split over a year ago, not received any maintenance (ongoing case) and he’s very unreliable when it comes to seeing the girls. I don’t have a big support network except my mum ( who’s just went through significant treatment for health condition and therefore cannot drive).

Turned out hen was costing around £1000 plus, not including brunches planned or spending money/food/ nights out. I just knew there was no way I could afford it at such short notice. I only work part time and I can’t afford to take my kids away this year due to ongoing maintenance not being paid and potential legal fees solicitors etc. Now a lot of girls weren’t able to go but me being the only BM I felt awful. However, there was no budging on destination or dates which would have made it more affordable for everyone.

i explained to my friend that I couldn’t go, apologised profusely, explained that I genuinely just do not have the money and it wouldn’t be fair on the kids. plus it would be really difficult for me to have my girls minded as mum can’t drive etc etc

she wasn’t happy at all, said she expected me to be there for her, was really disappointed in me, it was her big day and she wanted me there for it etc etc: I said I am not missing your big day but due to mum not being well, kids I just can’t manage it, I will be there for the home hen party etc I got quite a dry message back about well she has no choice but to be ok with it. Not once was I asked if I was ok, was mum ok and I am actually now so hurt. For context I’ve just had the worst year of my life with my ex (abusive) and my mum being very unwell and I’ve never been asked if I’m even ok.

I haven’t heard anything from her since ( this is about a month ago) and now I don’t know what to do. It feels really awkward but I’m not willing to be walked over the top of. AIBU to feel so hurt?

@Feralbookworm

Your friend is NOT a friend! I’d message her again & tell her she can find another bridesmaid seeing as you’re appparently such a disappointment to her! Cheeky cow! I’d have to turn it around & tell her that actually you’re very disappointed in her too! That would be the nail in the coffin of the friendship for me. I’d not go to the wedding & not feel at all guilty about anything!!

Outrageously selfish behaviour on the bride’s part. I never understand this drama over hen dos. It’s supposed to be fun!

If you can’t afford a family holiday, no friend should expect this kind of financial sacrifice.

Another vote that this is bridezilla max. I’m sorry you’ve had such a tough time. However if this is a long standing friend, only you know if worth trying to retain a friendship. I agree with those saying that whilst she knew about family issues you’d probably agreed to be bridesmaid despite those, so she may not realise the money was the final straw. I’d simply message being really honest and say you’re so sorry she’s disappointed, but the £1k and ongoing costs simply impossible for you to step up to that, but that if she wants you to withdraw from being a bridesmaid, though you’d be really disappointed, you’d understand.

I hate this new hen and stag performance of who can have the most OTT and expensive , nothing good comes of it

Honestly, the entitlement of this Instagram generation who believe that their wedding is a priority for everyone in their social circle is spectacular. I can’t believe they are this selfish in real life, so what the fuck happens once they get engaged?

Having said that, my (former) best friend was livid that our other friend was getting married a few months after her, because “this is MY wedding year”. She was a self-absorbed, self-important nob most of the time, though.

The friend is extremely immature. But the fact that hardly anyone is willing to go to the do should be a wake-up call for her. I think someone telling her how ridiculous and selfish she is being would be doing her a big favour. She obviously has been brainwashed into thinking this is what you are supposed to do to have "fun".

Please don’t feel bad about this . This is on your friend not you . I appreciate that people can get carried away and caught up in their own wedding plans . Sone people can also be thoughtless / ignorant about finances and not think twice about those that are budgeting .

I am sorry that you have had such a hard year with your mum and your ex . Your kids and your family have to be your priority .

I think if you were in a strong financial position it might be easy to say , I will put this on a credit card and pay it off over some months . But you are not in that position and face financial uncertainty and potentially thousands in legal fees .

I think your friend is being incredibly self absorbed not to ask after you and your family when you told her why you couldn’t go . That should have been a wake up call for her to realise that whilst she was disappointed that you couldn’t go , she was fully accepting of your reasons for it .

Home hen party as well? Honestly…

Agree with other PPs. Take the costs out of it for a moment… you are a single parent who has been through an awful time and still has a lot on her plate. Anyone who punishes you for going through various difficulties is not someone you should be worried about losing.

wishingonastar101 ·
I think that is a perfect response.

Perfect! Absolutely this!