Hen party problems

[Feralbookworm]

I will try and keep this as sort as possible..

So basically i am bridesmaid for one of my close friends next year. I felt very privileged to be asked a few months ago about being part of her big day.

Feb time we were told where and when the away hen was to be but MOH would be organising. Hen do is to be October quite an expensive destination 4 nights. Immediately I was dreading it, for reference, I am a single parent to 2 girls. Myself and ex split over a year ago, not received any maintenance (ongoing case) and he’s very unreliable when it comes to seeing the girls. I don’t have a big support network except my mum ( who’s just went through significant treatment for health condition and therefore cannot drive).

Turned out hen was costing around £1000 plus, not including brunches planned or spending money/food/ nights out. I just knew there was no way I could afford it at such short notice. I only work part time and I can’t afford to take my kids away this year due to ongoing maintenance not being paid and potential legal fees solicitors etc. Now a lot of girls weren’t able to go but me being the only BM I felt awful. However, there was no budging on destination or dates which would have made it more affordable for everyone.

i explained to my friend that I couldn’t go, apologised profusely, explained that I genuinely just do not have the money and it wouldn’t be fair on the kids. plus it would be really difficult for me to have my girls minded as mum can’t drive etc etc

she wasn’t happy at all, said she expected me to be there for her, was really disappointed in me, it was her big day and she wanted me there for it etc etc: I said I am not missing your big day but due to mum not being well, kids I just can’t manage it, I will be there for the home hen party etc I got quite a dry message back about well she has no choice but to be ok with it. Not once was I asked if I was ok, was mum ok and I am actually now so hurt. For context I’ve just had the worst year of my life with my ex (abusive) and my mum being very unwell and I’ve never been asked if I’m even ok.

I haven’t heard anything from her since ( this is about a month ago) and now I don’t know what to do. It feels really awkward but I’m not willing to be walked over the top of. AIBU to feel so hurt?

I'd be saying "find another bridesmaid" and walk away quite happily. This is not a friend.

I'm fed up with all these ridiculous hen nights I hear about so often and read about on here. I've known one or two guys have a golfing weekend abroad but generally men don't pull this shit on their friends with stag dos.

@Feralbookworm I also agree that you should decline being a bridesmaid, and this ^^ message is a good one to send.

She’s not a true friend. The cost of hen do’s are insane recently

stick to your guns. It’s a lot of money. You can’t afford it. You have no childcare. You can’t afford to take your kids away so won’t be spending money for just you

if she doesn’t understand this then she’s selfish

if she had any sense she will have a local cheap one
few drinks in a bar
meal
spa day

I had afternoon tea for my second wedding cost 25/50 I think depending if tea. One glass of bubbly or bottomless

first hen almost 20yrs ago did a weekend in Bournemouth with 5 close friends. Think it was around £150 tho obv years Ago

Some people really do lose all sense of perspective when it comes to wedding.

Of course YANBU.

YANBU.

I’ve said no to a hen later this year - attending the wedding is already costing over £700 and that’s in the U.K.. The hen was going to be another £500 and another day of my, frankly, precious annual leave.

Oh she’s an awful friend. I think it’s time to withdraw from being a bridesmaid as this attitude from her is probably a sign of things to come. You haven’t heard from her because she’s sulking and hopes that will influence you changing your mind.

Good on you for standing your ground as you read on here so many women allow themselves to be bulldozed into these ridiculous hens costing £££ plus any other things like annual leave, children etc. And your mum has been ill with a brain tumour and she still behaves like this! Please see this ‘friend’ for who she is - not one most of us would want.

This woman is not your friend. What an unreasonable, inconsiderate, selfish arse.

I’m pretty comfortable financially and have no child care problems and there are absolutely no circumstances in which I would spend £1000 on a Hen party.

It’s not a reasonable ask regardless of your circumstances.

You really need to get in touch with your friend, get together for a coffee and have a really honest conversation about how much she expects her wedding to cost you. If it’s more than you can afford then politely express your regrets and bow out.

It sounds like you have had a dreadful year, you need to prioritise your own and your family’s well-being and not give yourself unnecessary stress.

I'm honestly gobsmacked at anyone who thinks it's ok to ask their friends to spend over £1000 for a hen do. Frankly, I'm surprised anyone has agreed to it!

You've done nothing wrong and if your friend has the hump with you about this, she's obviously not a good friend. I'd be very tempted to withdraw from being a bridesmaid for someone who thinks it's ok to treat you like this and also shows no empathy for your troubles. I hope your mum is making a full recovery 💐

I'd leave off the last sentence and say "As you know it's been a chaotic year for me."

Because if she's that good a friend she knows all about your troubles and is just being a selfish cow, right?

I would be much less apologetic than this tbh.

These destination hen do’s and the entitlement around expecting everyone to attend is ridiculous! By all means have one and go with the people who can afford to attend but stop getting stroppy with people who can’t attend for whatever reason! Being a bridesmaid is already expensive unless the bride and groom pay for the dresses and hair and make up!

I think you are right to be concerned about the costs of being a BM to this self absorbed creature. No doubt she will be expecting you to pay for numerous items that could cost a fortune.

I think some version of the message above would be the best option for you and most likely you’ll feel incredibly relieved to withdraw.

I hope life becomes easier for you very soon.

She’s not a friend and I’d pull out of being BM

OP, your friend is not a friend! I cannot tell you how annoying I find this whole hen do madness- when I got married a few years ago we went out for one night in Manchester - it cost a total of maybe £50 per person and we had the best time. This whole thing about an "abroad hen do" and a "UK hen do" is so self indulgent it's awful.

FWIW brides should pay all costs for wedding for BM - so dress shoes hair makeup etc

Another thing that gets my back up! We had my cousin and her daughters as BM’s and I knew she couldn’t afford 3 dresses so before we even asked them we added the cost of their dresses into our wedding budget as well as hair & makeup! The
only thing they bought were their shoes, jewellery and pashminas for the evening do! They also chose their dress style! I can’t stand looking at photos of bridesmaids obviously uncomfortable being squashed into a dress that clearly doesn’t suit their body shape, we paid for alterations which ended up quite costly as the youngest wanted an adult dress like her sister rather than a teen dress so we needed extensive alterations to make it fit however I’d have moved heaven & earth to make sure that were as happy and comfortable on the day as I was as they’re also in the spotlight of the day!
We also asked the male members of the wedding party to just wear a blue suit that they already had! Except my brother who we bought a suit for as his was more grey! I’m ashamed to say it was my bridezilla moment!!

What the hell is it with people behaving like this over hen dos? Stick to your guns.

I really don't understand this 'fad' for expensive hen holidays
I can think of a million more things to spend a grand on than a hen do!
Then there's the expense of the wedding itself.......
And brides getting stroppy when people refuse to go.....
🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I'm not surprised she only has one bridesmaid

Good way to weed out a crap friend I’d say!

Your friend is a shit friend.

i don’t get these away hens, have a night out local to where you live , handy for everyone and not that expensive.

i hate people being out of pocket for me.

She sounds awful OP - YANBU!

Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. Ive heard of friendships ending after weddings and I wouldnt be surprised if it happened here. She resents you for not going to the hen do and you (rightly) are hurt by her total lack of care and consideration.

A month without contact is a long time. Are you going to reach out to her or wait for her to contact you? This needs to be resolved before the wedding. Otherwise its going to be very uncomfortable for you.

Take out the second paragraph and alter the last one.