Hen party problems

[Feralbookworm]

I will try and keep this as sort as possible..

So basically i am bridesmaid for one of my close friends next year. I felt very privileged to be asked a few months ago about being part of her big day.

Feb time we were told where and when the away hen was to be but MOH would be organising. Hen do is to be October quite an expensive destination 4 nights. Immediately I was dreading it, for reference, I am a single parent to 2 girls. Myself and ex split over a year ago, not received any maintenance (ongoing case) and he’s very unreliable when it comes to seeing the girls. I don’t have a big support network except my mum ( who’s just went through significant treatment for health condition and therefore cannot drive).

Turned out hen was costing around £1000 plus, not including brunches planned or spending money/food/ nights out. I just knew there was no way I could afford it at such short notice. I only work part time and I can’t afford to take my kids away this year due to ongoing maintenance not being paid and potential legal fees solicitors etc. Now a lot of girls weren’t able to go but me being the only BM I felt awful. However, there was no budging on destination or dates which would have made it more affordable for everyone.

i explained to my friend that I couldn’t go, apologised profusely, explained that I genuinely just do not have the money and it wouldn’t be fair on the kids. plus it would be really difficult for me to have my girls minded as mum can’t drive etc etc

she wasn’t happy at all, said she expected me to be there for her, was really disappointed in me, it was her big day and she wanted me there for it etc etc: I said I am not missing your big day but due to mum not being well, kids I just can’t manage it, I will be there for the home hen party etc I got quite a dry message back about well she has no choice but to be ok with it. Not once was I asked if I was ok, was mum ok and I am actually now so hurt. For context I’ve just had the worst year of my life with my ex (abusive) and my mum being very unwell and I’ve never been asked if I’m even ok.

I haven’t heard anything from her since ( this is about a month ago) and now I don’t know what to do. It feels really awkward but I’m not willing to be walked over the top of. AIBU to feel so hurt?

A decent friend would either

1. not request such a big ask of people in the first place
2. upon realising her original idea wasn’t manageable for multiple attendees due to cost or logistics, have changed the plan
3. be totally open in advance to the idea multiple people may not attend the abroad hen, not give them a hard time, and just be happy they’d be at the uk one instead or the wedding itself

However I do admittedly have quite strong negative feelings towards modern weddings having gone mad. You so often see the response of “well it’s costing the bride and groom enough per head to have you at the wedding!” As if after spending hundreds or thousands of pounds on a hen/stag where you get no say in where you go and what you do, childcare, leave from work, an outfit, travel and sometimes accommodation for the day itself you should be beside yourself with gratitude that they’ve been gracious enough to provide a dinner you also didn’t choose whilst spending 8+ hours at their day and not leaving you to starve.

Not to mention when being asked to be a bridesmaid or MOH you are so often expected to pay for a dress and shoes you didn’t choose, nails, hair and makeup.

Please do not feel bad in the slightest!
I hate the more recent 'huge' stag and hen dos.

For mine, I went out pottery painting and for afternoon tea (so my older relatives were happy too) then the rest of us went dancing. One night in my home city. It was great.

I also paid for the bridesmaids dresses and their hair to be done in a specific style. However, they just had to pay if they wanted their make up professionally done or they could just do it themselves. I was aware my bridesmaids had kids/ busy lives/ not a lot of money and what mattered was having them there, not how big the weekend was!

I don't think she's being a very good friend at the moment. Your Mum, life and friendship is more important than a ridiculously expensive hen do. I really hope she sees that soon.

That's just silly.

She’s a complete selfish knob.

The expectations some people have of their hen parties is becoming out of control and unrealistic. We all know it’s just to give them the opportunity to post it all over social media.

I pulled out of a friends abroad hen do, she told me she no longer wanted me to be bridesmaid as a result. I said I wished her all the best and we never spoke again, that was 7yrs ago. No regrets. She was never a good friend.

Unfortunately some friendships just run their course. Need to make way for new friends.

Thanks for all your replies. I just hate animosity with people. I think you are all right however about being BM. I kinda feel like I’ll feel dead awkward anyway because no doubt my ears should have been burning since the booking. However there is only 3/4 of them going now so surely that speaks volumes. I’d rather have something everyone can attend and then pick my dream location at another time and go with friends who actually want to go

Well I think you had better ask the question before you get lumbered with paying for all the BM shit.

Personally I'd recuse myself from BM duties altogether (or hope she was so pissed off with me about the hen she sacked me off from BM duty!)

Your friend sounds terrible and she is treating you appalling. The world does not revolve around her. Your friend is having another hen party anyway. I personally think Hen Parties have become too hyped and to go away for a few days is OTP. I am sorry you have had a bad year and I hope things get better for you and a bonus would be finding a nicer friend x

Sounds like my ex friend hence why she’s an ex 🤪

That really isn't a friend.
She is selfish and really pretty awful.
Ask about the costs and if everything isn't covered withdraw.

Truthfully OP, this is not a friendship that is going to go the distance, so pull back before it costs you.

Don't get into debt with two children over someone so selfish.

My advice would be to withdraw now from the whole thing.

I'm so sorry.
I hope your mum continues to recover.

OP she sounds like a self-absorbed bell end. A real friend would not have reacted that way. The reason you gave for not attending was entirely reasonable

Hi op these posts are happening daily if I was you I would be grateful she is ignoring you. Op her true colours are there to see. She’s no friend she just wants people to be around her for attention any decent friends would be oh no it’s fine I wouldn’t expect you to come but no there saying hey I’m bridezilla and you all have to do what I say fuck that just leave her to her tantrums she’s not concerned about you.

So sorry OP I accidentally clicked YABU and apparently you can’t change it… so ignore that 1% that’s me!!
I honestly don’t get the hype with the crazy expensive hen dos, who realistically has 1000 to spend on a weekend away?! It’s nuts!!!
Long gone are the nights out and spending time in the day doing something local with those you love, as that’s the whole idea of it…. I totally sympathise with you… tbh it’s a them problem not a you problem , they need to get over themselves and realise there is more important stuff going on for other people!!

Honestly op, she must know your situation, a newly single mum, and that you’re not in the position to afford it. She must be tone deaf or incredibly stupid.

I think you need to follow up and ask her to set out exactly what she expects you to pay for. Just so you're aware, getting your hair up and make-up done will be over £100 easily. Obviously she should be covering the cost but she doesn't sound like the type who will..

Your ‘friend’ has behaved appallingly. Self absorbed diva!
I think this would probably the end of the friendship for me 🤷‍♀️, definitely not my kind of friend. I think you will probably just be kicking the can down the road with this if you continue. She should be apologising to you now OP if she wants to save the friendship but…time will tell. I would’ve mentally checked out of her wedding - no way would I still be bridesmaid if she continues like this. 🤗

OP , the only animosity here is coming from the 'friend' who is not getting her own way. Don't feel bad, it's a big expense for anyone never mind a single mum. I think you really need to consider your role as a BM though. There will be other costs involved that you will probably be expected to cover - hair & make up (maybe even practice hair), dress possibly, hotel room etc. This happened to me with my friend. I had just split up with my husband, I was skint but I had to pay for all of the above, minus my dress..

No it isn't. It's not just about the money or the annual leave or the childcare. It's having the awareness to realise that most women over the age of 30 just won't be arsed spending days on end having forced fun with a load of randoms they'll never see again. I did it years ago, absolutely HATED it and that was in my 20s!

Ok hit wrong answer (I’m probably that 1% 🤦‍♀️). It’s ridiculous expecting anyone to spend £1000 on a hen do, and if that’s the plan be very very mindful about others’ circumstances and be understanding if they can’t make it.

There is a type of woman who thinks they are the centre of the universe in the lead up to a wedding.
The ridiculous, overblown hen party is another way of them trying to get as much attention as possible.
I wouldn’t be friends with that sort of person, but in your case I would stop trying to pussyfoot around her, or entertain her low class rudeness.
Like fuck should she expect people to pay thousands for a hen party.
Don’t give this any further thought. You’ve made the right decision not to go. Stay firm.

What has happened to hen dos over the last 20 years? When I got married I had an optional afternoon at a spa and then dinner at a nice but not wildly expensive London restaurant. Some of my friends were students, saving up for their own weddings etc and I was paranoid about not making people feel obliged to spend. I paid for my bridesmaids’ dresses, hair and makeup too.

You are dead right about these so called Hen Nights becoming out of control and all about the oneupmanship.

Now it seems to be all about showing off. Very fake and a bit sad really. As you say. It used to be confined to a meal and a good night out. Why and when did this change?

As.for the OP. Don't be upset in the slightest by this friend. She seems very entitled and extremely self centred

Don't have her in your life. She does not deserve you.

Best Wishes to you and your family.
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