Hen party problems

[Feralbookworm]

I will try and keep this as sort as possible..

So basically i am bridesmaid for one of my close friends next year. I felt very privileged to be asked a few months ago about being part of her big day.

Feb time we were told where and when the away hen was to be but MOH would be organising. Hen do is to be October quite an expensive destination 4 nights. Immediately I was dreading it, for reference, I am a single parent to 2 girls. Myself and ex split over a year ago, not received any maintenance (ongoing case) and he’s very unreliable when it comes to seeing the girls. I don’t have a big support network except my mum ( who’s just went through significant treatment for health condition and therefore cannot drive).

Turned out hen was costing around £1000 plus, not including brunches planned or spending money/food/ nights out. I just knew there was no way I could afford it at such short notice. I only work part time and I can’t afford to take my kids away this year due to ongoing maintenance not being paid and potential legal fees solicitors etc. Now a lot of girls weren’t able to go but me being the only BM I felt awful. However, there was no budging on destination or dates which would have made it more affordable for everyone.

i explained to my friend that I couldn’t go, apologised profusely, explained that I genuinely just do not have the money and it wouldn’t be fair on the kids. plus it would be really difficult for me to have my girls minded as mum can’t drive etc etc

she wasn’t happy at all, said she expected me to be there for her, was really disappointed in me, it was her big day and she wanted me there for it etc etc: I said I am not missing your big day but due to mum not being well, kids I just can’t manage it, I will be there for the home hen party etc I got quite a dry message back about well she has no choice but to be ok with it. Not once was I asked if I was ok, was mum ok and I am actually now so hurt. For context I’ve just had the worst year of my life with my ex (abusive) and my mum being very unwell and I’ve never been asked if I’m even ok.

I haven’t heard anything from her since ( this is about a month ago) and now I don’t know what to do. It feels really awkward but I’m not willing to be walked over the top of. AIBU to feel so hurt?

What a terrible disappointment that person has turned out to be. I’m so sorry because it’s hard to lose a friend this way but it’s on her. Please don’t question yourself on this, you’re being a good mum, and friend, for that matter. As others have said, shocking behaviour from her and now is a good time to draw a line under this relationship. So sorry.

I would bite the bullet and contact her, and I would be saying you have reflected and actually you think, as she is so upset with you, it’s better you give up the role as BM as well, as the cost of dress, hair etc is just not possible for you

sounds like the friendship is over anyway

What a bitchy friend! Id not want to be her bridesmaid TBF after that. You see if I was getting married, I couldn’t have friends stressing over an expensive hen do, no way! Id either ditch the idea or as your ‘friend’ is doing, have a cheaper much more inclusive uk one too (but she’s being nasty as wants u on both unfairly, prob to look popular on her insta pics!)

The bride should pay for anything she is specifying. I paid for dresses, shoes, hair and make up for my bridesmaids.

This is perfect. Send this and leave the ball in her court but definitely decline to be a bridesmaid.
Hope your year looks up soon xx

Contact her and tell her to shove the "hen holiday" and wedding up her arse. She's no friend of yours OP and she sounds vile anyway. And quite frankly this whole hen celebration thing has become fucking ridiculous these days.

There's nothing wrong with an expensive hen party............... but it should be completely optional, and only attended by people who want to go and can afford it

I like the suggested wording upthread

When my sister got married we went for a meal in a nice restaurant and had some drinks in a bar - job done
not an “away do” and a “home do”

not days away in expensive places that people can’t afford

not wearing ridiculous themed clothes/fancy dress that nobody will ever wear again

I don’t understand this craze of such expensive hen do’s it can just exclude people and to be honest I’d be thinking of withdrawing my services as BM for someone this selfish especially given the year you’ve had.

What is it with these bridezillas?
You have to be firm. Not everyone can conjure up that amount of money for a hen do.

Once upon a time a hen do was a night at the pub with a male stripper or two.
Stag night would be a night at the pub with the groom to be hoping he doesnt end up naked and handcuffed to a lamp post.
Those were the days !!! 😅😅

Hi Jenny,

Unfortunately I can't attend your hen do. Nor can I participate in your wedding as your personal lap-dog.. I mean.. bridesmaid.

Also, get fucked you selfish bitch.

Love Debs (lol)

There, fixed that for you 😀

I just don’t know where people get off but time and time again we see these threads on MN where someone is having a very expensive away hen do and when their friends politely apologise and say unfortunately they can’t make it as can’t afford it / childcare / annual leave etc (any single one reason is totally acceptable) and then the bride gets the hump. It’s not you, it’s her. No real friend would (expect their friends to stump up over £1000 / go away for 4 whole nights) get even remotely upset if someone can’t make their hen do.

My sister wanted to go abroad for her hen. She knew that I would not want to leave my daughter for too long. Our other sister would not have been able to afford it.

Same for other bridesmaids. Some would make some not.

She chose 2 nights in a “hen house” some surprise things for us and for her to do. It was great. There was 13 of us altogether and we had a great time. Yes she would have liked to go abroad but she preferred to have her family and friends with her.

she sounds absolutely crazy. I hate how demanding people become with hen dos and weddings it really does bring out the worst in people!

I went away for my hen do. 4 days and not a long flight. I checked with my BMs who wanted to come and I said I was covering all the costs. In return the girls planned all the itinerary as a suprise (again paid for by me) and it was lovely. We did an all inclusive resort and there was 4 of us in total including me. I also paid for all their dresses/shoes/hair makeup etc as I didn’t expect them to fork out for MY wedding.

they put a little piggy bank together and really went above and beyond to get me little treats and gifts and were super helpful on the wedding day too.

we’re going to a wedding in a week and the bride and groom have paid for all of the family’s accommodation if they have children and they have booked onsite accommodation. This I am so grateful for too.

I’d drop out of being a bridesmaid and reconsider the friendship too in those circumstances.

Refreshing to read!

I'd tell her to fuck off altogether. The silly cow. Nobody gives a shit about weddings other than the bride and the bride's mum. Even the husband isn't that bothered.

Four nights??!! God apart from the massive cost, the sheer logistics of having your kids minded, got to school etc just makes my head hurt.

It’s funny when people invite you to a trip like this and encourage you by saying ‘relax’ ‘have a night off from the kids’ ‘let your hair down’ … little knowing about the weeks of prep, angling for annual leave, negotiation with partner , persuasion of relatives, re-planning when people change their minds about helping out, planning of groceries and school book day costumes, dentist trips…. And of course you’re ’just on the end of the phone’ should anyone have (10000) questions about the cats favorite flavor ,or whether the kids just have a cold or is it meningitis.

Exhausted by the time you arrive ! But hey relaaaax!!

let this friend slide out of your life. What’s the loss? Do you really want to stand around making conversation all day at her wedding, wearing some dress you prob will end up paying for yourself?

How often do you normally chat? I take it not messaging for over a month is unusual?

Your friend has turned into Bridezilla. If a hen party is anything more than a night out in the UK then you have to expect a lot of people to say no!

Your friend owes you an apology. She was very rude and self entitled. If she that badly wanted you there then she could pay for you!

And as for the bridesmaid dress - the bride pays. Makeup? Bride pays. Hair up? Bride pays.

A bridesmaid usually buys their own shoes and given a colour.

The recommended reply up thread is unnecessarily long winded.

Hi Jenny
As i haven't heard from you in a while I thought I would reach out to let you know that I can't be bridesmaid at your wedding as there has been a change in my circumstances.
I hope to still celebrate with you at your wedding and look forward to your reply.

She’s not a good friend. I’d clarify now about the dress / shoes / hair situation.
Will your Mum be ok to have your kids for the wedding ?

No no and no again.

Drop out of the wedding because the costs will just keep increasing and she clearly does not care about your circumstances.

That's insane, I read halfway through and was thinking no no no no. I wouldn't pay that for anyone's hen party, that includes me. That's craziness. One night away in another city in the UK is enough expense for most people surely. That's completely unreasonable. She knows your circumstances so shame on her. What the hell is wrong with people that they need to spend so much money and lavish so much attention on getting married. It's supposed to be a fun night out with friends.

Something about weddings turns even sensible women into selfish snakes.
That's way too much money. I have a DP and no kids and we both earn (albeit in arts/humanities so not exactly ££££) and we'd baulk at that for a hen or stag do. It would be a choice between that and our one holiday a year together.

It’s perfectly fine to organise expensive “away” hen events, but everybody should accept that not everybody can attend for various reasons! Nobody should put pressure on or make anyone feel bad if they cannot go. That’s ridiculous. Nobody real friend would do this. With the cost of living crisis etc, I’m sure they’ll be people who cannot afford a cheaper “home” hen event.

No wonder you feel very hurt that she’s not even asked how you are doing and how your mum is. She sounds very self-centred and as I’ve said not a good friend.

Do you think you might have to pay for a bridesmaid dress, make-up or hair etc? You need to check. If she’s wanting you to pay, I would be dropping out of this role. That may result in your invitation being rescinded, but with a “friend” like that, it sounds as if it would be no loss.

If you feel you don’t want to lose her friendship, then you could try to talk about it. It’s probably going to eat away at you otherwise. Say you’re upset she hasn’t asked after you or your mum, and say you’re aware she will be busy and stressed as planning a wedding can be all consuming. See what she says… However this could totally back fire if you don’t get the response you’d like (which sounds likely).

I don’t know why weddings seem to be used as an excuse for people (brides) to be the most selfish, self-centred people on earth. I don’t believe in the concept that brides need ‘support’ for a choice they’ve made in their own lives (one that is supposedly happy at that). You get less attention for getting a dream job or having a baby. Getting married isn’t an achievement, hardship or something that has been earned- it’s just nice for the couple and wider family, it’s just something nice to celebrate, it doesn’t warrant all the fawning and expense for everyone else. Weddings and the extras around it have just been fed by consumerism and profit, they’ve become blown out of proportion and it’s resulted in many people acting awfully as a result.

Luckily, my own friend (I’m a bridesmaid for) has been very considerate of my personal situation, and she considered all of her friends when deciding on her hen do plans. A friend should not use a wedding as an excuse to put herself and her needs above everyone else. It’s ok-ish to plan an expensive hen do, if that’s what you really want, but you must accept that not all your loved ones will be able to accompany you.