Hen party problems

[Feralbookworm]

I will try and keep this as sort as possible..

So basically i am bridesmaid for one of my close friends next year. I felt very privileged to be asked a few months ago about being part of her big day.

Feb time we were told where and when the away hen was to be but MOH would be organising. Hen do is to be October quite an expensive destination 4 nights. Immediately I was dreading it, for reference, I am a single parent to 2 girls. Myself and ex split over a year ago, not received any maintenance (ongoing case) and he’s very unreliable when it comes to seeing the girls. I don’t have a big support network except my mum ( who’s just went through significant treatment for health condition and therefore cannot drive).

Turned out hen was costing around £1000 plus, not including brunches planned or spending money/food/ nights out. I just knew there was no way I could afford it at such short notice. I only work part time and I can’t afford to take my kids away this year due to ongoing maintenance not being paid and potential legal fees solicitors etc. Now a lot of girls weren’t able to go but me being the only BM I felt awful. However, there was no budging on destination or dates which would have made it more affordable for everyone.

i explained to my friend that I couldn’t go, apologised profusely, explained that I genuinely just do not have the money and it wouldn’t be fair on the kids. plus it would be really difficult for me to have my girls minded as mum can’t drive etc etc

she wasn’t happy at all, said she expected me to be there for her, was really disappointed in me, it was her big day and she wanted me there for it etc etc: I said I am not missing your big day but due to mum not being well, kids I just can’t manage it, I will be there for the home hen party etc I got quite a dry message back about well she has no choice but to be ok with it. Not once was I asked if I was ok, was mum ok and I am actually now so hurt. For context I’ve just had the worst year of my life with my ex (abusive) and my mum being very unwell and I’ve never been asked if I’m even ok.

I haven’t heard anything from her since ( this is about a month ago) and now I don’t know what to do. It feels really awkward but I’m not willing to be walked over the top of. AIBU to feel so hurt?

This woman is not a real friend. I'm sorry. This is dreadful behaviour.

Oh OP, pull out of the role of bridesmaid and save yourself the angst. Her reaction was horrible and so selfish. I would die of shame if my reaction was that to a similar situation. I think you put more store on this friendship than she does.

She's not a friend.

If she wanted you at her hen she should have planned one that worked around kids

She's not your friend.

I've been invited to some expensive hen dos and weddings. I went to a few, declined others. No drama whatsoever.

I was kinda waiting on her to reach out as I thought in a week or 2 she might see the light of day and realise that actually this is ridiculous l. Obviously not!!
it’s always kinda been like this big nights out, away for birthdays and I am not that kind of person. She knows I don’t like big nights out (also I barely know her other friends) I’m nearly 40 and it’s not my style. I’ve always been very introverted so I get uncomfortable with the endless drinking all night, after looking after kids and horses all day I just want my bed and a book. I usually just decline or show my face for a while and head on home but even then I’m made feel guilty.

OP, I wouldn’t consider this person a great friend if she is so oblivious to your current state of affairs that she’s throwing a strop. Ask her if she still wants you to be her BM or if she would prefer someone who can attend the hen do instead. I would be relieved if she chose someone else!

DS was invited to an overseas stag do. It was sold as being cheaper than having a weekend in the UK. Air fare was cheap, accommodation relatively reasonable but the activities, which were only revealed 2 weeks before the stag, were astronomical. £300 each to sit in a tank, because the stag always wanted to drive a tank! DS declined. Drinks were cheap but the food wasn’t and the bills were split. By the time he added it all up 2 nights had cost nearly £1000! The wedding was also abroad and was a 3 day event with a dress code. Another £600, only because food and drink were covered and DS already had a dinner suit.

@Feralbookworm your ‘friend’ is treating you appallingly.

If I were you I’d be finding a bit of anger to be honest. If she doesn’t understand that an abroad hen do is not affordable to everyone and she is not empathetic to you and what you’ve been going through then she needs telling. And if she doesn’t apologise I’d be dropping her as a friend. I certainly would have no guilty feelings about this.

You’ve got enough going on to be worrying about this bridezilla

Sorry this is longggggg.

I once got a save the date and was invited to my friend's wedding. So a proper invitation.

Her and her friends were pretty well off and I wasn't. I think they lived in another world to me. The head bridesmaid set out the itinerary of what it cost for the hen do, like a whole weekend away with people who I didn't know and it was very expensive. They sent it just after Christmas as well when a lot of people or I was skint.

My partner had got himself into a bit of debt at the time and I was paying for other things so he could pay off as much as possible.

I'm also ND which I didn't know at the time. This is also relevant because I would have been extremely uncomfortable masking for days in front of people I barely knew.

I wanted to wait until I saw her which was about 3 weeks later to tell her I couldn't attend as I couldn't afford it and I was very sorry. I offered to take her out for an afternoon tea for another mini hen do and I'd treat her.

You should have seen her face. She was angry with me for leaving it for a few weeks (3) and not telling the bridesmaid first instead of her. I mean I could have been at fault there, committing a social faux pas but I thought it'd be better to tell it to her face rather than just excuses over a message.

But she was saying now it will cost everyone else more? But what could I do, I was skint!

She's always been a diva and done some really strange things in the time we were friends but it really put me off that she wasn't more understanding.
Even at that year's Christmas, I didn't even know we were doing gifts, she told me had got me something like the day before and I had no money so I had to use someone else's gift I had bought for her as she only let me know she'd got me something at the last min! She insisted we opened them at the dinner table and pulled a face when she saw what I'd got. 🤯

She said she'd gone to effort to find me a personal gift and that was all I'd got her. I should have dumped as her friend there and then. She'd got me this indian hand crafted tea light thing but it was hideous and in a really weird shape. I couldn't even make out what it was at first. But again I was skint and didn't know we were doing presents. Surely that's not just me being nd and not being socially on cues! She was really put out and I felt so awful afterwards. 😥

Anyway after a month or so when I told her I couldn't afford the hen do, I got unceremoniously uninvited from the day do! Which the venue is like 2 1/2 hours drive, 3 odd by train, away from me and we'd already paid for our hotel and train tickets. Said they'd overinvited people and didn't expect everyone to accept like wtf total excuse. Said they needed space for extra family members. I was now relegated to the evening do so I was travelling all this way by train just to attend the evening do!

Absolutely fuck that shit.
She had pulled some absolute stunts over the years but that was the absolute piss take.

I ended our friendship, after some time thinking on it and declined going to the wedding. Maybe some would think I'd overreacted but she was just a dramatic and selfish and spoilt little rich girl. She was like I knew you'd think it was about the wedding invite, well duh what else am I supposed to think. I would have let it drift but I had to let her know I was not going.

As we were skint, me and my partner still went on our little few day holiday. Never ran into them thankfully and had a great time. We wouldn't have gotten our money back if we hadn't have gone.

OP, what is the history of your friendship? It seems odd that she has all these other friends to party with but you are her BM.

She doesn't sound like a good friend tbh. You should have a bit of a think about wether this friendship is working for you anymore.
I had a situation a few years ago with someone I'd considered a close friend, we'd been mates since childhood. In the latter part of our friendship she would always be a bit mardy that I didn't see her more often, or didn't ring often enough, or some other reason. I felt like I was just never good enough and almost appeasing her all the time. There was no consideration for any of the stuff that I was dealing with, which was considerable, she wasn't interested in supporting me. I just woke up to it after particularly bad behaviour on her part and had a real good think about the pros and cons of the friendship and how it was so unequal. I realised she made me feel terrible must of the time, it was no longer fun and she showed no care for me, so I stopped calling and visiting, and as she never made any effort with me that was the end of the friendship.
I think if she had got in touch I would've told her how I was feeling, but she didn't.

Just to add that the result of ending the friendship was my life got a bit easier, it was a bit of weight of my shoulders and I felt happier, so it was definitely the right thing to let it go.

We met years ago whilst we were training at Uni. There was a small group of us. Her and myself stayed the closest out of the group. She has her friends from home/ work as do I.

This is very selfish behaviour from the bride OP and I'm sorry you're having to cope with this at a difficult time for you and your family 💐
In your shoes I would simply apologise that you can't make the hen do and simply explain that it's a matter of excessive cost. That should be obvious even to her, especially as you have young children to care for in difficult circumstances.

My hen night was watching a film and eating some sweets with some friends, my friend had two hen nights when she got married a couple of years ago, first evening was at a Chinese restaurant, second was going to a nightclub. I went to the first one as I was very pregnant at that point and nightclubs have always been my idea of hell. She didn't kick off about it because she's nice.

You are right to feel hurt OP. What kind of friend is she usually and do you want the friendship to continue? If so then could you have a chat with her about how youve been feeling?

Some brides are so entitled! My own experience is I'd spent over £500 to go on my (ex) best friend's hen do abroad and that was 20 years ago. There was a further £300 spent on staying at the wedding venue because that's what she wanted and I bought my own bloody shoes ( I was a bridesmaid) and took a day off work. On the hen do she'd had a few drinks and was moaning to me she'd had to buy her own cocktail then when it came to splitting the meal bill there was an awkward silence because she didn't offer her share. Someone then took the hint and suggested we should pay for her. I couldn't believe how blatant she was!

I really think brides who do this are just experiencing some sort of influencer induced psychosis.
You're not at all unreasonable @Feralbookworm
She owes you a massive apology for being so insensitive and the fact that so many of her friends can't make it should really be a wake up call that what she wants is not reasonable.

Sorry- my fat fingers pressed the wrong button and I can’t change my vote! You are NOT being unreasonable, she is!

Your friend sounds like a right bridezilla! I dont understand these expensive hens abroad or what they are supposed to accomplish. A night out for a meal and cocktails would be just as enjoyable and far less expensive. As suggested by a previous poster I would offer to step down as a bridesmaid and then gradually fade out on the friendship.

Another bloody unreasonable bridezilla. Of course you are N U to advise her in plenty of time that you can't go.

she wasn’t happy at all, said she expected me to be there for her, was really disappointed in me, it was her big day and she wanted me there for it etc etc

Tough shit. If she really wanted her mates there, she wouldn't do a great big expensive abroad thing.
Ignore her.

She is not your friend. Friends treat each other with kindness not cruelty and contempt.

I would contact her and say that you find her lack of empathy quite upsetting and no longer with to be her bridesmaid.

She sounds dreadful sweetheart, I really wouldn't to be friends with a woman like this. I'm sorry you've had a really tough time recently. Hopefully going forward things will improve for you and your Mum x

I think you need to drop out as MoH now.
Tell your friend it is too much to take on financially with everything going on in your life and you need to prioritize your kids. Tell her you're sorry, but you must drop out now before other events and duties come up as you know you can't step up.
Honestly, you have to skip this. All if it, wedding too. You can't afford to participate in any of it, and you need to be focused on your own situation. Your friend clearly doesn't understand the significance of your life events, likely due to her personality and being wrapped up in her own world, and it sounds like this friendship really has run its course.
Tell her now.

If I were to spend 1K on a trip, it would be with my husband, not to satisfy Bridezilla's ego trip