To not make my son share?

[drearyllama]

I took my 3½-year-old to a toddler swim session today where they put loads of toys and floats out. We arrived at the start of the session and he chose 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float, then we went to the opposite end of the pool away from everyone else because he prefers independent play.

He played happily with those same toys for around 45 minutes. Another family then arrived and came to our end of the pool. Their older child repeatedly tried to take the watering can from my son, but he said, "No thank you, I'm playing," and held onto it. The child's adult moved him away the first time.

About 10 minutes later it happened again, but this time one of the adults came over and, while I was sitting right next to my son, told him that he had to share because he had two buckets. He again said,
"No thank you, I'm playing," but she took one of the buckets anyway and handed it to her child, saying,
"See, you have one now."

My little boy was upset because he'd been playing with those toys for nearly an hour. I didn't want to argue in front of the children, so I just reassured him and left it.

About 10-15 minutes later, the little boy came back again and tried to take another toy. This time my son shouted "No!" The lady came over, collected her child and said to the other adult, "Shall we get out?" The other lady replied, "Yes, because he's not sharing and she's not making him share."

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected. I also feel that if another parent had an issue, they should speak to me rather than taking something from my child.

I'm genuinely interested to know what others think.
Would you have said something, or would you have left it?

If this is real then I'm not sure communal activities with shared toys are a good idea for you.

"We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected."

"the other kids can have my cast offs once I'm done with them" isn't sharing!

They might have been slightly unreasonable if your son only had 1 bucket - although even then YWBU to have hogged it for nearly an hour. There is no way he was playing with at least 7 different things at the same time, so yes YWBVU, and selfish.

I guess there are people like this out there. But someone actually writing a post like this and articulating their reasons and not seeing how unreasonable they sound seems unrealistic.

We don't take a selection and hoard them in the corner of the pool, getting cross at anyone who dares to approach.

@canonlydoblue

Your description just had me visioning a dog basically growling in a corner at anyone who comes near his squeaky toy.

Thats what you’re raising @drearyllama the barky snappy dog in the corner.

I call reverse

Tricky one. If they were toys you brought with you, then you're right not to share if you don't want to. Since the toys didn't belong to you, they were out for all the kids to play with, and your child had two buckets (amongst other things) that they'd been playing with for nearly an hour, it does seem fair to let another child play with one of the buckets.

Obviously more context needed but nevertheless the other child needs to learn not to demand other people's things.

All the toys for all that time? Share. FFS.

You sound entitled and by your account and last comment, it seems like you are raising up your DS to be the same

Yes we do ! If there are not enough chairs then those most in need get to use them. We share nuts, crisps, biscuits etc. Jesus in our house we have a rota for car use. What on earth do you mean adults don't share?

Absolutely finish his "turn". But his "turn" should be like...5 minutes. Not over an hour 😂 is this a reverse?!

Did other children think they were allowed to take as many as they wanted?

One or two toys at a time then swap is the fair way for everyone. Your encouraging selfish behaviour.

This is batshit. Letting your child play with a toy for an hour and not letting anyone else have a turn is not teaching them to share.

No you shouldn't have to teach your son to hand over a toy he is playing with the second someone else wants it but I'd have said 'you can play with that for 1 more minute but then it's time for someone else's turn.'

Imagine if it was the other way round and you arrived in the pool so see there weren't many toys not being played with. You'd be mortified if your child was upset because another child wouldn't share their myriad of toys (that are communal).

That is an insane number of things you don’t actually own to own for over an hour. Very very unreasonable.

I wouldn't of let my child keep 2 of the same type of toy . Your child didn't need 2 buckets .

I go to a similar thing, my daughter would hog all the toys if I let her but I don't .

so yabu

You allowed and enabled him to be greedy and selfish.

your son had far too many ' shared ' toys no one I repeat no one needs ' 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float, '

how many hands does your spoilt son have ...

Bit dramatic to say your child was targeted.

Your child had all the toys to himself for 45 minutes which is plenty time for him to have fun on his own as you said he prefers Independent play. The problem you may have is when he starts school to find that independent play is something that does not happen for the 6 hours he is at school.

I take my DGS to play cafes a lot and always encourage him to share. If he's playing with two things then I would always encourage him to hand one to someone else - it's how you teach your child kindness. Your way may be teaching an element of selfishness wrapped up in 'independent play'.

You shouldn’t have taken all the toys you took in the first place. The toys are for everyone in the pool, just because you were one of the first there doesn’t mean that you should be grabby. Kids learn from their parents.

It's not sharing if you've finished with it. Some may think that 2 of the same toy is greedy when supplies are communal and limited

OP I think you are being selfish in this situation and completely unreasonable

Your son sounds like he is becoming selfish and greedy. It's not his fault it is yours.
I really don't understand how you cannot see this. Open your eyes before your son gets a reputation and kids won't play with him.
Those women made their feelings about you very clear.

Children shouldnt be forced to share their own toys. Nor should they have to give up a toy they have only been playing with for a short space of time (a few minutes) or give up a toy if there’s plenty of others similar.
it sounds like you were in a situation where there was a limited amount of toys and your child had several for a long period. This is an excellent opportunity to teach your child to share by explaining he had had lots of fun and now it’s someone else’s turn as they don’t have any.
it seems that you took the concept of a child shouldn’t have to give up their toys a bit too literally

Yes, we do. I'll give up - or offer to give up - my chair if I have one and someone is standing. I'll share my food if I have some and the person I am with does not - as in, offer half, not the leftovers when I'm done. That happens all the time in the office if someone has forgotten their lunch - do you want half of my sandwich...?

I've been charging my phone on the train and been asked if someone could borrow the cable when I'm done, and I've unplugged and handed it over there and then even though my phone is only at 50% - I'm not done with it, but I can see it would make someone else's life easier.

Adults don't insist it happens, because they don't need to, because we were taught generosity of spirit as kids.

Surely it’s common sense that at shared play you let your child select one or two things, and when they want something else, you switch out. If there are shared items and another child wants one, you tell your child (after 10-15 mins of play max) ‘time to share’, or you make the children take turns. Otherwise you are raising someone who is going to feel entitled to things that are not his. This will do you and society no favours in the long run. You were in the wrong. If your child does not enjoy playing with other children and is unable to do sharing, a shared swim-play is probably not the right session. You need to build up to that by taking him to play and stay sessions and having him switch out his toys with other children. My DD is the same age and can also be a poor sharer, but if she kicks off she gets taken out of the fun environment until she has calmed down and agrees to share nicely. I don’t make her share things that belong to her if we take them to the park etc.

I don't share my phone because it's MY phone. If it was a communal phone and other people were waiting to use it then...yes? I would share it?

If they'd been OP's DS's personal property then he obviously wouldn't need to share them but they were communal toys for all of the children to use.

I wouldn't go to a buffet and load up my plate and leave no food for everyone else. I wouldn't hog a table for 10 people by myself if there were groups waiting. I wouldn't go to a yoga class and take 3 mats for myself if there was only enough for one each. Of course adults share things.