To not make my son share?

[drearyllama]

I took my 3½-year-old to a toddler swim session today where they put loads of toys and floats out. We arrived at the start of the session and he chose 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float, then we went to the opposite end of the pool away from everyone else because he prefers independent play.

He played happily with those same toys for around 45 minutes. Another family then arrived and came to our end of the pool. Their older child repeatedly tried to take the watering can from my son, but he said, "No thank you, I'm playing," and held onto it. The child's adult moved him away the first time.

About 10 minutes later it happened again, but this time one of the adults came over and, while I was sitting right next to my son, told him that he had to share because he had two buckets. He again said,
"No thank you, I'm playing," but she took one of the buckets anyway and handed it to her child, saying,
"See, you have one now."

My little boy was upset because he'd been playing with those toys for nearly an hour. I didn't want to argue in front of the children, so I just reassured him and left it.

About 10-15 minutes later, the little boy came back again and tried to take another toy. This time my son shouted "No!" The lady came over, collected her child and said to the other adult, "Shall we get out?" The other lady replied, "Yes, because he's not sharing and she's not making him share."

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected. I also feel that if another parent had an issue, they should speak to me rather than taking something from my child.

I'm genuinely interested to know what others think.
Would you have said something, or would you have left it?

Sharing doesnt mean when you are prepared to give them up, when you've finished with them. This is teaching an awful attitude OP

I have seen staff interveen in situations like this at our local pool. It does happen.

Yes I think they do. It was a recurring theme at the toddler group I used to help run. Kids need to be prepared for school, where they’re definitely expected to share.

We do swimming sessions with shared pool toys most weeks. The general attitude is you pick a toy, play with it for a while then put it back or let it float away. Then you can choose something else. We don't take a selection and hoard them in the corner of the pool, getting cross at anyone who dares to approach. Perhaps the way forward for you and your son is to buy your own pool toys and hire a small private pool for an hour. That way you don't have to deal with other families who want to reasonably utilise the facilities in a shared session.

Turning it round, how would you act if you turned up and your DS had no toys and one child had many, including 2 of the same toy?

Would you apply your sharing rule and tell your DS it was the other child’s turn until he finished playing, even after an hour? Or would you eventually ask him to share one of the communal toys?

How do you apply your rule to swings in a park? Does your DS get to hog one for an hour even with other DC waiting?

You allowed him to hog the toys and moved him to the other end of the pool, so you were in the wrong. She was in the wrong but it was due to your poor parenting.

If there were other watering cans and buckets then no o your child should not have given his up. If not the yes he should have given them to the other child.

I think he should have shared after all that length if time. Sorry.

I'm guessing because your son was hogging around 7 or 8 toys? I wouldn't let my child hog a load of toys, I'd make them share if they had that many. Fair enough if he only had one or two, but not a load of toys.

When people say “I teach that they are allowed a turn before they share”, they just mean they don’t make the child hand it over instantly. The adult is still meant to make sure they do share after a reasonable time playing with it. They don’t mean they let them keep it as long as they want and screw everyone else!

If this has happened after 10 minutes of playing, you’d be reasonable but bordering on unreasonable if you didn’t start sharing soon. You’re definitely selfish and unreasonable in your example!

YABVU, annoying, and selfish. HTH.

Can I ask what sort of setting this was where you let your child play by itself in the water for an hour and don’t engage with him? Or have a I misread something?

If my child had taken more than one item of each then I would have definitely offered the extra one to another child. If you know your child likes to hog toys and you’re unwilling to make him share why can’t you buy him his own set of toys?

Problems solved, they’re all his and his alone.

An hour is an awfully long time for the other kids to wait. I would find it frustrating to wait an hour in a pool to use a float, for example, and I am an adult. It really isn’t fair.

Exacting that. We would always say "let's have another 3 goes/5 mins" or whatever is relevant and then let someone else have a try.

Who knows, maybe next time you won't be in time to hoard your stash OP, and your son may be the one left with nothing. Let's just hope the other families have better manners than you in that instance.

Good on that other parent. I wouldn't have felt I could do that but would be fuming at your selfishness

Especially given the majority of sessions are only around that long anyway!

Independent play? Is that in other words to mean the other side of the pool, away from others, so he doesn’t have to take turns?

Im not one for thinking children should have to give stuff up as soon as another asks, but there has to be a balance surely.

It sounds like there were clearly no other toys left. Your child may have been 'targeted' because those children also wanted to play at that end of the pool.
And saw one child with so many toys they couldn't be playing with them all simultaneously.

Your kid had two of one thing and one of everything else for an hour. I can't imagine there was enough to go round for everyone to have multiple items to themselves for that long.

Why not bring your own if you don't want your kid to have to share communal toys?

Do we as adults insist people share their phone or chairs etc when out? No. You do not need to share an item you’re not done with. As adults we don’t, we can’t then expect 3.5 year olds to.
However, if it’s not owned by you, and he had it for an hour and it clearly was wanted by another, I think 15 minutes is sufficient time to be courteous and use it as a teaching moment to show that it’s polite in civilised society to share.

Did he need to? No.
Should you have encouraged it? Yes.

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected.

How is that sharing? Child chooses toy and plays with it for as long as they like, even though other children are waiting for a turn. Then they ‘share’ it when they’re finished? I don’t understand. If the child has discarded the toy because they’re fed up with it and another child subsequently plays with it, that’s not sharing. I mean, come on!

Nope!! I would have maybe given a bucket, since you had 2. But definitely not to the watering can.

There is a time for sharing and taking turns and also a time when you don’t have to. Your child was still playing with them so tough on the other kid.

Why did you take so many toys? He couldn’t possibly play with them all, at the same time. You’re being unreasonable.

Sorry completely unreasonable.
You’re not teaching your child to share you’re teaching him to be entitled - he will struggle when he gets to school age.

He must have 6 hands!!! 🤣

The toys are there for everyone to use and you/your son took:

• 2 buckets
• A watering can
• A few small toys
• A float

If he had taken one toy and was playing with it for an hour, no, you don't share.

Sitting on a dragon's hoard of toys for over an hour when I assume he only has one pair of hands - I'd have encouraged him to share.

Also - you're not teaching your son to share if he only gives something up when he's bored of it. You're teaching him to be entitled. Sharing is about generosity and sacrifice and thinking about what would be nice for other people, not just yourself. You are not modelling a shred of that.