To not make my son share?

[drearyllama]

I took my 3½-year-old to a toddler swim session today where they put loads of toys and floats out. We arrived at the start of the session and he chose 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float, then we went to the opposite end of the pool away from everyone else because he prefers independent play.

He played happily with those same toys for around 45 minutes. Another family then arrived and came to our end of the pool. Their older child repeatedly tried to take the watering can from my son, but he said, "No thank you, I'm playing," and held onto it. The child's adult moved him away the first time.

About 10 minutes later it happened again, but this time one of the adults came over and, while I was sitting right next to my son, told him that he had to share because he had two buckets. He again said,
"No thank you, I'm playing," but she took one of the buckets anyway and handed it to her child, saying,
"See, you have one now."

My little boy was upset because he'd been playing with those toys for nearly an hour. I didn't want to argue in front of the children, so I just reassured him and left it.

About 10-15 minutes later, the little boy came back again and tried to take another toy. This time my son shouted "No!" The lady came over, collected her child and said to the other adult, "Shall we get out?" The other lady replied, "Yes, because he's not sharing and she's not making him share."

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected. I also feel that if another parent had an issue, they should speak to me rather than taking something from my child.

I'm genuinely interested to know what others think.
Would you have said something, or would you have left it?

Yeah sorry OP, your son had too many toys for too long and absolutely needed to start giving some of these up - you were basically hogging a whole bunch of toys for an hour which is unreasonable

You genuinely think your child should have had way more toys than he had hands, just for his own use for the whole duration of a communal session?

Yabu massively unreasonable and don't even care that he was hoarding so many toys, whilst some children didn't have any?!

You're behaviour was selfish, precious and entitled and you won't be teaching your kid any favours if you keep this attitude

That's a bit personal and uncalled for. I think the OP has got the message from all the posts. No need to start being nasty

Did you read that back before you posted it?
Your child hogged communal toys for the best part of an hour, including TWO buckets, and when another child wanted a bucket, you think it was unreasonable to ask him to share????

Why is your child so special?
I don't blame the other parents for their comments, your attitude is ridiculous.

I do agree that learning to share is important, and also teaching sharing does not mean teaching kids they must hand over something they're using/enjoying simply because someone else wants it...

On the other hand, he's got two hands, so more than two toys when he is going to want exclusive use of all of them for an HOUR... is unreasonable.

You should have directed him to select two toys, not the presumably 4+ he actually had, and be explaining that these are to share with others and he can't expect exclusive use of them the whole time.

Or, bring your own toys, that he can then have exclusively.

I don't make my child share things he is actively using.
Assuming your son is not an octopus, he can't actively use two buckets, a watering can, a float and a few small toys all at the same time so that's not what this was.

How are you teaching him to share?

Our rule was you could say "I will give you a turn in 2 mins" then finish up and give someone else a turn. Especially in this case because they are pool toys. If it was his own toy he would be still ne encouraged to give other people a short turn how else do they learn.

Keeping it for so long when someone else is waiting for a turn is beyond rude. You should be teaching him.

Does a child under 4 understand sharing?

I don't agree with them taking toys away from your son but letting a child continue to play with toys until they get bored is not sharing. They weren't his toys and he had several toys for a long period of time. That was selfish.

Public toys have to be shared or turns, personal toys do not have to be shared unless child has a friend over or goes on a specific play date. If your kid had two buckets he should have given one up, that’s poor parenting from you. The other child snatching them was poor parenting on them.

Not good all round to be honest.

Not calling you a liar OP, but I'm quite sceptical about your 3yo using the words "no thankyou I'm playing".
What on earth is the no thankyou for?!
Sounds as if your values are anything goes provided you use nice words.

However, this is basic, bog standard social behaviour in a developing child. You ought to be teaching him that actions speak louder than words.

I've met parents who do believe "please" and "thankyou" in themselves allow any kind of selfish or antisocial behaviour, like a special politeness pass into a world of shit behaviour.

I think that because in this case, yeah, it was pretty shit behaviour.

Plus I don't actually believe he said no thankyou anyway. My guess is he kicked off and you're covering for him, but I'm fine for you to clarify that if I'm wrong and you want to come back...

You are obviously the other parent. No one could be this dumb!

He obviously knows how to say No to it

Depends how many toys there were. Two buckets makes sense for pouring into the other (I have a 3 yr old) but if there weren't anymore and he'd had them 45 mins... I'd probably be the guiding hand suggesting it's time to change the play and relinquish one bucket. It's all very well saying one can keep public toys while in active play, but if that play never ends its a moot rule no? If a child is on a swing and keeps swinging, their turn never ends eg.

Not one with this mother, clearly

Because it's a public session, and shared toys! Not first come, first grab.

92% saying yes you are unreasonable

No thank you I am playing....

For a whole hour too!

Yeah you can't take toys off a kid while it's their "turn" but their turn also can't be the entire play session. You also can't hog multiple things especially multiple of the same thing.

The other parents were intervening and "targeting" your child because you weren't parenting him and sharing the toys with everyone . Your kids going to find life hard if you don't sort this out.

You sound very selfish and are teaching your child to be the same.

Or is this a reverse?

With shared toys it's unreasonable for any child to have a "turn" with any item that lasts longer than about a quarter of the session time even if there are a huge number of items to choose from. If the number of items are smaller then even that is far too long and each turn should be no more than a few minutes. If your son needs to use the same items for over an hour then it is unreasonable for you to use toys that don't belong to you, you should buy your own items. The other parents are teaching their children what it means to share and it's natural and reasonable for them to notice when another child isn't being taught the same civilised behaviour norms.

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first.

A turn, with toys that were not his own, should be 5-10 minutes. Not a whole bloody hour! When the other child came, you didn't even bother to look to see whether there were any other toys available to him. Given his and his mum's persistence, I'm guessing that there were not.

And the mother will have targeted you because your son had SEVEN toys. The other children probably had one or two.

Honestly, I find it hard to believe what I'm reading @drearyllama . You sound incredibly selfish, and your son will end up that way too, at this rate.

Surely the parents of other kids could have said the same though - perhaps with more justification as you arrived at the start of the session so your son had probably had them for longer. If everyone says "why should I share when someone else can" then toys (or whatever is in question) just get hogged and conflict arises. Maybe other kids also refused which is why he came back after 10 mins!

She shouldn't have taken the toy from your son but equally, he's had what sounds like quite a lot of toys for 45 minutes, you should have encouraged him to share, esp when they returned.

Mine don’t have to share but they do absolutely have to take turns and I think that’s possibly the difference.

It is difficult being the other parent in that scenario because you tell your child ‘the little boy will be finished soon!’ and then they aren’t and you end up having to say something. If happened to us at a museum once where a child was just hogging this item for absolutely ages and I did have to ask him to let others have a turn in the end (which is very unlike me as it happens but I had a very outraged five year old with me!)