To not make my son share?

[drearyllama]

I took my 3½-year-old to a toddler swim session today where they put loads of toys and floats out. We arrived at the start of the session and he chose 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float, then we went to the opposite end of the pool away from everyone else because he prefers independent play.

He played happily with those same toys for around 45 minutes. Another family then arrived and came to our end of the pool. Their older child repeatedly tried to take the watering can from my son, but he said, "No thank you, I'm playing," and held onto it. The child's adult moved him away the first time.

About 10 minutes later it happened again, but this time one of the adults came over and, while I was sitting right next to my son, told him that he had to share because he had two buckets. He again said,
"No thank you, I'm playing," but she took one of the buckets anyway and handed it to her child, saying,
"See, you have one now."

My little boy was upset because he'd been playing with those toys for nearly an hour. I didn't want to argue in front of the children, so I just reassured him and left it.

About 10-15 minutes later, the little boy came back again and tried to take another toy. This time my son shouted "No!" The lady came over, collected her child and said to the other adult, "Shall we get out?" The other lady replied, "Yes, because he's not sharing and she's not making him share."

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected. I also feel that if another parent had an issue, they should speak to me rather than taking something from my child.

I'm genuinely interested to know what others think.
Would you have said something, or would you have left it?

And as a PP said, you’re probably one of those parents that lets your child pieces of play equipment while other child are waiting, for an excessively long time.

Hogging that number of toys for a whole hour is staggeringly selfish of you OP. The very opposite of teaching your child to share

Have you read the whole post or stopped after the first paragraph?

Actually to be fair @HaveYouFedTheFish - apologies, I think your comment is fair - I did read the whole thing, but I thought that starting with the idea that there is any principle under which is this acceptable behaviour was a weird stance and also didn't apply at all in this situation. The stuff you said later is reasonable, but as I say, I think there is a basic principle at work here which is don't hog stuff and be selfish. Which should always be the starting point.

No wonder so many kids grow up selfish and entitled. So many parents are clueless about social norms .

I think that nobody could possibly be this clueless. Are you just rage baiting, OP?

Look your son doesn’t like sharing or even playing with other children, just buy him an array of pool toys and go during a non session time.

At least you can then tell parents of kids trying to snaffle them they aren’t group equipment.

If you are so strong on your kids having 2 buckets, a can and all the other stuff, just buy your own. You can't claim more than he can carry when there's not enough for the others.

They have the same rights as you

I find it almost unbelievable that you would think it was ok for your son to tall all those shared toys - not quite one or two - take them to the far end of the pool, play with them for an hour and then still not share.

You should have intervened and set a reasonable expectation the first time: “ok well Henry which two toys are you playing with? Let the other child have these other ones as they’re for everyone” or something similar.

Yes, the adults shouldn’t have just taken them from your son, that’s bad form: but you should have been active in the situation not just passively watching.

Anything more than two toys, one per hand, and he was hoarding them.

Sadly, many parents are. You only realise how bad they are when you have to deal with them!

“he chose 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float”

Blimey OP, are you sure he had enough?????

2 buckets
A float
A few small toys
and a watering can.....that's selfish and greedy at a shared session.

Dear God can you hear yourself?

'Targetted?' Because someone was asking to share the, what was it, 6 or so toys he was hoarding?

You don't know that they hadn't asked anyone else to share toys, and you'd encouraged him to take loads and not share them. That's a terrible life lesson.

Is he your pfb?

I can understand not making your child relinquish the one toy they are currently playing with just because someone else wanted it, but you were just encouraging him to have dibs on way more than he could use, while others went without, which is clearly unreasonable.

If he wants so many toys at once, bring your own, they only cost a few quid. But its a much better lesson to teach him he can't have everything he wants, all the time.

He's going to turn into an insufferable entitled prat if you carry on.

An hour is a long time to hog toys. I’d have told my son to share. Short time, fair enough, but sounds like their child had few toys and yours had quite a few for an hour.

It's a different environment to home therefore I'd have said, in this circumstance, the rules have to be different. Your child had two buckets and several other things for over an hour. When he gets to school, he will be expected to take his turn and also (as an early years educator) timed sharing may well be a thing. The swimming session wasn't school related, however there were other children there and it's a good way to prepare him as such. After an hour, surely it is not unreasonable for him to give up one of his buckets. Perhaps encourage him next time to try playing with some of the others toys and let the other children take their turns.

I understand that the other mother should have spoken to you first before taking the toy from your child, but from her perspective, it sounds as though she had been watching for a while and assumed you weren't going to intervene. In her eyes, her child came first, just like yours does for you and at the point she took whatever it was from your child, hers had been waiting his turn for a very long time.

How can you genuinely believe it's not unreasonable for one child to take 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float, from shared stuff at a public swimming session.

Admittedly, my DD is now 25, but you are being staggeringly unreasonable.
I'd also be ridiculously pissed off with the 'no thank you ' answer.

One or two toys is a fair share.. you took far too many.

If you'd taken one or two then you would maybe be justified not giving them up. But even then, if there were loads of kids with nothing, I'd have encouraged mine to pass them on after half the time we were due to be in there.

Because he had loads of toys probably! Or the ones sitting by his side unused were the ones that the other child wanted.He couldn’t possible play with them all at once.

You were unreasonable to take that many toys. He should have taken only what he could actively play with. That sounds like the watering can and two buckets? If he wasn't playing with all the items he should have given them up.

I would have intervened when the other parent got involved.

This. YWVU. 10 minutes ok an hour??? That was absolutely not ok.

Perhaps no-one else's child was hogging an armful of toys for 45 minutes, some of which were duplicates anyway.

No not ok , 2 buckets, a watering can and some other toys for 45 minutes, he should have been told he had had his turn.

AND took them as far as possible from where the other children were, with, as the OP has confirmed, his mother carrying some of the stash for him.

I mean can you just imagine the sight!

I was already to agree with you but he/you took a LOT of shared toys, and kept them all for your one child for an hour! That's very selfish and greedy.

The list of toys you let him choose and take away from everyone else who came is way too much op.

I don't think children should be forced to "share" hand over their own toys, but this is a different scenario entirely and I feel sad for the other kid in the pool that got out having not played with anything but one bucket while your child had lots of toys you were allowing them to hog.