To not make my son share?

[drearyllama]

I took my 3½-year-old to a toddler swim session today where they put loads of toys and floats out. We arrived at the start of the session and he chose 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float, then we went to the opposite end of the pool away from everyone else because he prefers independent play.

He played happily with those same toys for around 45 minutes. Another family then arrived and came to our end of the pool. Their older child repeatedly tried to take the watering can from my son, but he said, "No thank you, I'm playing," and held onto it. The child's adult moved him away the first time.

About 10 minutes later it happened again, but this time one of the adults came over and, while I was sitting right next to my son, told him that he had to share because he had two buckets. He again said,
"No thank you, I'm playing," but she took one of the buckets anyway and handed it to her child, saying,
"See, you have one now."

My little boy was upset because he'd been playing with those toys for nearly an hour. I didn't want to argue in front of the children, so I just reassured him and left it.

About 10-15 minutes later, the little boy came back again and tried to take another toy. This time my son shouted "No!" The lady came over, collected her child and said to the other adult, "Shall we get out?" The other lady replied, "Yes, because he's not sharing and she's not making him share."

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected. I also feel that if another parent had an issue, they should speak to me rather than taking something from my child.

I'm genuinely interested to know what others think.
Would you have said something, or would you have left it?

That is hugely unreasonable. How would you feel if your child arrived 10 minutes later and all the toys had gone? You approach the other children asking for a turn and they all say no.

Shared toys are very different to toys at home. If i was you I'd have told my child you can have it for 2 more minutes and then it's some one else's turn.

'We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected. I also feel that if another parent had an issue, they should speak to me rather than taking something from my child.'

It doesn't sound like you've taught him to share, there was no sharing described in your original post. If he plays with it the entire session is that his turn? When does the other child's turn start?

We arrived at the start of the session and he chose 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float, then we went to the opposite end of the pool away from everyone else because he prefers independent play.

Why did my child have to be targeted after the first time he said no?
Because he had several toys and you were hogging them.
Why take your child there to play independently?

Why no one else’s? Because other children hadn't hogged a pile of toys.

Why are you reluctant to teach your child to socialise? He'll grow up to be spoilt and selfish if you aren't careful.

Probably because he had so many toys and because he’d been playing with them for so long. Just because you’re first doesn’t mean you get to hog everything and don’t have to share at all.

You sound like that kind of parent!

Everyone was unreasonable here. That's too many toys to take for a shared session. Also I don't understand your rule about sharing....if they finish their turn first (and he'd already had them an hour?) then that's not sharing. That's keeping a toy as long as you want, someone else playing with it when you're finished does not count as sharing?

But the other family also sound very passive aggressive, and even if I thought another child had too many toys and should share I wouldn't be saying that in front of the children. I think you need to model thinking about others to your child - if we take two of these plus this and this and this, what does that leave for everyone else?

Hoping this is a reverse… obviously in a shared toys environment you teach your child to take ONE or TWO toys and then take them back and swap them so another child can have a play (unless there are lots of the same one). You absolutely do not take half a dozen, hoard them at the end of the pool and expect no-one to tell you what shitty and selfish behaviour that is. In this case, OP, YOU need to learn to share too.

If everyone grabs toys and removes them for ages to play’independently’ as you did with your son, there will soon be no toys for newcomers to play with at all. If he’s so independent , he is in his own area, hogging toys for the entire time, then maybe he should take his own. Or he stays in an area with other children who can take the toy he’s not playing with at that moment and play with it for a while. Then they can swap about. It’s social skills.

Bloody hell OP, you need to revisit the meaning of the word sharing! Your child held onto those toys for best part of an hour! Why did you gather said toys and bugger off to the other end of the pool? You said your kid “ prefers to play independently” I say, you did this so that he wouldn’t have to share his abundance of toys with the other children? You are not exactly helping him develop those sharing skills, are you? You will have to do better OP because once he starts reception, he won’t be able to hog all the toys with 20 or more children. Neither will a “ no Thankyou, I’m playing “ response work in reception! 🙄

Sorry but all the toys there are shared for everyone. Your son had two buckets a watering can and a few other toys for 45 mins to himself. You should have encouraged him to share and play together with the boy really or at least made a feeble tempt to try so you didn't look like a lazy parent.

Nah this cant be real. You'd of been the first to kick off I bet if you'd arrived after all the toys were taken and your son had none.

Fucking hell is this real? if I encountered you and your child at a group like this I would have very pointedly said something similar like “oh well you’ve had those toys a long time now and it’s important we all share and take our turn”.

Your child might be happier if you bring your own toys, or get your own pool where he does not have to interact with other children. He obviously does not understand how to do it and you are not teaching him how.

Wow, entitled much? Oh course you make him share! They are not his toys!

YABVU, if you want independent play don’t go to a shared play session. And if your kid has had them for AN HOUR yes they should share.

Your child already sounds like they might be on the possessive side so better teach them that yes they are allowed a good time to play themselves but after that they share.

Otherwise you and your son are going to have a really hard time at nursery, school, uni, relationships, parenthood…. Basically life!

And your response is a bit worrying too- a) he wasn’t being targeted, most likely all the other kids were sharing by this point, and b) what do you expect if he was hoarding all the toys!!!

Ahhh it seems either of you know how to share 🫣

I don’t think you understand the concept of sharing yourself.

“I don’t know” = “I don’t care”.

Because your single child had multiple toys for over an hour? Just a thought 🙄

Which is why they need to be helped as young kids to assess for themselves , so they learn. Not be told all their lives how much they can have.

“he'd been playing with those toys for nearly an hour”

So definitely time to share. Yabu.

2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float

Yeah, you have to share that. 1 bucket and 1 toy, then no. YABU.

What the fuck - it's put out as SHARED toys for everyone, yet you think your son should be entitled to NOT SHARE when he had two plus some others as he enjoys 'independent play?' ? And you think THEY are being unreasonable?! He hogged it for 1 hour?! Jesus fucking christ - the entitlement of some people - breathtaking.😳Bring your own god-damn toys next time, and teach your son to share next time if he wants to hog the SHARED TOYS which are NOT yours.

Why did my child have to be targeted after the first time he said no? Why no one else’s?

Guessing other kids didn’t take so much stuff in the first place.

Because he had multiples of stuff?!

How selfish to hog all the shared toys for so long.

I suspect if this had been another child hogging multiple toys the OP would be wailing about how someone else took everything and her precious angel was left nothing and how unfair it was

Good luck when your kid goes to school etc OP