To not make my son share?

[drearyllama]

I took my 3½-year-old to a toddler swim session today where they put loads of toys and floats out. We arrived at the start of the session and he chose 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float, then we went to the opposite end of the pool away from everyone else because he prefers independent play.

He played happily with those same toys for around 45 minutes. Another family then arrived and came to our end of the pool. Their older child repeatedly tried to take the watering can from my son, but he said, "No thank you, I'm playing," and held onto it. The child's adult moved him away the first time.

About 10 minutes later it happened again, but this time one of the adults came over and, while I was sitting right next to my son, told him that he had to share because he had two buckets. He again said,
"No thank you, I'm playing," but she took one of the buckets anyway and handed it to her child, saying,
"See, you have one now."

My little boy was upset because he'd been playing with those toys for nearly an hour. I didn't want to argue in front of the children, so I just reassured him and left it.

About 10-15 minutes later, the little boy came back again and tried to take another toy. This time my son shouted "No!" The lady came over, collected her child and said to the other adult, "Shall we get out?" The other lady replied, "Yes, because he's not sharing and she's not making him share."

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected. I also feel that if another parent had an issue, they should speak to me rather than taking something from my child.

I'm genuinely interested to know what others think.
Would you have said something, or would you have left it?

You’ve hogged toys for almost an hour, that aren’t even yours to begin with. Yes YABU

Because he’d had them for an hour!

Kids don't grasp the concept of sharing until 3.5-4 years old. It's time to start teaching it, but the person in the wrong was the mum taking the toys from OP's child. The message of Take what you want regardless of being told No, is far worse.

Or having a tantrum to herself while telling little Timmy how precious and special he is.

Oh, come on. No need to be like that.

Just think that through.

its a load of rubbish.

Disagree. As far as I'm concerned 'Let's take lots of these toys even though it'll leave the other kids with less to play with' is just as bad.

Because your child appears to have had more of the shared toys than anyone else? And had played with them for a long time.

If my kid is playing with any kind of shared toys I’m keeping an eye that there are enough to go around and sharing accordingly. Why aren’t you?

Your 3.5 year old is very well spoken. No thank you, I’m playing is pretty clever for his age. What’s the point of this… you are only after people to agree with you,

It sounds like your son had personally accumulated a lot of the toys just for himself, so I imagine that’s why.

I get where you’re coming from if a child is using something then they should be allowed to finish their turn, but if he had two buckets plus other toys then I would have said to my child “you have a bucket, let’s give one to the other child to play with”.

These swimming sessions are usually quite limited in time, so his “turn” could have lasted the entire session and the other child would have had nothing to play with while yours had more than his fair share.

He had lots of items for a long time OP.

YABU

YABVU.

Cant believe you even have to ask this, you hogged a load of toys for best part of an hour, say you teach your kids to share but not until they have had ‘their turn’, which seems to last the length of the swim session. Maybe the other lady was ‘targeting’ your child because he had more toys than his fair share, ie would still have had plenty if he had given up one, and also had them for a reasonable amount of time before being expected to share with others there.

Honestly, do you actually think your little prince should just have free run of all the toys he chooses for as long as he wants? That isn’t sharing, cooperating or anything else remotely civilised in a shared play session.

Unless you could see there were other buckets and watering cans the other child could take, it's best to limit your child's turn so other kids can have a turn too. "OK son, you've had that watering can for a long time now, how about we let that boy have a turn too?" If you son had it for the whole hour and there weren't any others, then every other child missed out on having a turn. Sharing also means being aware of being fair to the group. If the toys were his and he'd brought them himself, that's different, he can have them as long as he wants and doesn't have to share. These were communal toys though, so fair turns need to be taken.

YABU x 1000

The selfish way other parents behaved at soft play when my kids were small is something I never forgot. Totally self absorbed in their own world with their own child. The OP is reminding me of such times...

Her child taking six toys for an hour, and refusing to share any under the guise of 'No thank you I am playing' is bonkers. How can you play with six toys at once? The subtext that you don't need to share until you have finished playing with them is so flawed. As others have said, this is not sharing, you are just dispensing with those toys when you are done.

Its clear that the OP has not taught her child to 'absolutely share'. She has taught him a rather obnoxious and belitting turn of phrase to bat other children away so he absolutely does not have to share. Very weird.

So your kid had at least 6 toys to play with and you don’t think he should have to share? Having been to these kids of sessions with my own kids, generally there aren’t an unlimited amount of toys to go around, taking at least 6 of them for your child is excessive. By a) allowing him to take this many toys and b) thinking he shouldn’t need to share the excessive amount of toys, you’re teaching your child to be selfish and entitled…great job! 👏🏻

I think we need the OP to come back and give her definition of 'share'.
I found this which fits well with my understanding of the word.... 'to divide and give out to others while keeping a portion for oneself'.
I suspect the OPs definition is more along the lines of 'take what I want, as much as I want, let someone else have it when I have no use for it anymore'.

This is why your sons behaving as he was.

He had a watering can, 2 buckets, a float and "some" small toys. Why does he need 2 buckets? He literally doesnt have enough hands to being using all that.

He may have been "targeted" as you put it because he had excess toys - more than he could possibly play with. How long was "his turn" going to last with this surplus of toys he monopolised for 45mins?

I think if your son had all that and the othet kid had nothing you should have told him theres more children joining the session so youll have to give something to the other child and let him keep toys he was actively using not the full stash

If he prefers i

Not making a child share one toy they are actively playing with - I understand
Not making a child share one of the several toys they have hoarded for an hour - you’re gonna create a super entitled child who will find it difficult to play with and work with others.

Does your child have 7 hands? No? Then why does he need 7 toys?

You were being incredibly unreasonable to allow him to hog that many toys for nearly an hour and to refuse to share. You’re creating a spoiled and entitled monster OP.

Well that is the best scenario. Shocking behaviour from the OP ! Absolutely nothing worse than an entitled child,whatever their age .

lol are you joking? Most 3 and a half year olds can manage ‘no thank you, I’m playing!’ The other day mine asked told me she would call the police if I made her go to bed before 8pm! If your child isn’t speaking in sentences and able to respond in an appropriate verbal manner at that age there is some kind of delay.

So you took a stash of toys and then moved away for your own private play where no one else could have them . And then let your son deny a child after an hour . You are a selfish brat .

Because your child was hoarding multiple toys for over an hour. Your parenting, or in this case non parenting, was the issue here.

Are you for real?? Your child was targeted because saying no, after playing with more toys than you can hold for an hour, and not being told by a parent that he must share toys that don't even belong to them, is not acceptable! Get your own toys, in fact get your own pool and don't expect your child to ever learn any social skills.