To not make my son share?

[drearyllama]

I took my 3½-year-old to a toddler swim session today where they put loads of toys and floats out. We arrived at the start of the session and he chose 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float, then we went to the opposite end of the pool away from everyone else because he prefers independent play.

He played happily with those same toys for around 45 minutes. Another family then arrived and came to our end of the pool. Their older child repeatedly tried to take the watering can from my son, but he said, "No thank you, I'm playing," and held onto it. The child's adult moved him away the first time.

About 10 minutes later it happened again, but this time one of the adults came over and, while I was sitting right next to my son, told him that he had to share because he had two buckets. He again said,
"No thank you, I'm playing," but she took one of the buckets anyway and handed it to her child, saying,
"See, you have one now."

My little boy was upset because he'd been playing with those toys for nearly an hour. I didn't want to argue in front of the children, so I just reassured him and left it.

About 10-15 minutes later, the little boy came back again and tried to take another toy. This time my son shouted "No!" The lady came over, collected her child and said to the other adult, "Shall we get out?" The other lady replied, "Yes, because he's not sharing and she's not making him share."

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected. I also feel that if another parent had an issue, they should speak to me rather than taking something from my child.

I'm genuinely interested to know what others think.
Would you have said something, or would you have left it?

So he had about 6-8 toys to himself, and 2 buckets? I don't support the other kid snatching, but your child had far too many toys, and he had them for far too long.

I kind of agree with the other family that he refused to share and you weren't encouraging him to.

I mean you're doing a great job if you don't want him to have any friends

I don't know. Maybe because he had 2 buckets, a watering can, and a few other toys as well? But sure, as long as your child is happy, it doesn't matter if other kids have nothing eh?

Yeah you’re embarrassing OP. I wouldn’t go back if I were you.

Totally depends on how many other toys and how many other children there were. If there were insufficient buckets etc to go around, then yes YABU. That would definitely be hogging and not sharing. In a public environment like that, I would give my child the fewest toys possible to keep them entertained. And if I saw other children had fewer/none and were wanting something to play with, id be erring on sharing and saying “come on, we’ve had this for a while now, let’s give someone else a turn”.

You were selfish and unreasonable. How many toys did you actually hog for an hour?!
Yes, let your child play with them but not so many for such a long amount of time.

Do better.

Obviously OP isn't going to come back since the unanimous verdict is that she was unreasonable.
How you could even think this was ok is beyond me @drearyllama . How would you feel if you arrived and there were no toys left? Or just a bucket and no exciting watering can? You can't honestly think you'd happily accept your child never getting a turn with the toys.
Yes a child can take their turn with a toy - but that's exactly what it is, a turn. That doesn't mean they get to keep a toy indefinitely whilst another gets no turn, potentially for an entire session?! In what world is that ok. I hope you don't have another child because you are setting yourselves up for a world of problems literally a hundred times a day if eldest thinks he doesn't have to share anything for as long as he wants. Will you be happy when little 18mo sibling is sitting screaming and crying for an hour because big brother has had a watering can all that time, I think not.

Are you for real? This is a wind up right?
YABU!

Exactly this. I can't believe OP didn't even think to do this!

This. Are you any good at sharing yourself OP?

She is right. Your son isn’t sharing and you’re not dealing with it. This is presumably why he prefers “independent play”.

Because you as the adult didn’t try to intervene and use the situation to help him to understand that shared toys are just that, toys for sharing. If they are his own personal toys then fair enough, but you had deliberately taken him away from the rest of the group, with more toys than he could carry or play with and then not helped him to recognise that other children also wanted to use the toys.

You are putting the onus on a three year old to understand the social situation , which he clearly doesn’t, instead of helping him to recognise situations where sharing is the appropriate response. You are the one at fault, not your three year old. He is not being targeted, you are setting him up to misunderstand how social skills develop.

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first.

In a public leisure facility with a lot of children, and you think you are “reasonable” and not selfish to allow your DS a “turn” of over an hour???

Delusional.

An hour in the pool and you hogging a lot of toys. Yabu. How many other buckets etc were they?

OP maybe get him his own toys to take and then if he’s challenged you can step in.

You arent teaching your child to share if their turn lasts for as long as they want..

Yeah, same “No thank you”. 🙄

I am not asking if you want something - I’m asking for something from YOU.

Since you say "I'm genuinely interested to know what others think," I have to tell you that what strikes me most is what a wonderful child you have. How delightful to have a toddler saying "No, thank you, I'm playing," instead of "No, it's mine!"

I think there are two sides to a story here. While yes, I agree that kids don’t have to hand over toys instantly when they are still playing, it’s also important to let your kids know at the start that there are limited toys for everyone to play with and 1-2 toys may be enough.

You obviously don't even know the meaning of sharing so I'm not surprised your child doesn't.

I’m glad you highlighted this, I’m genuinely interested in a 3 year old who would talk to an adult like that, twice without the parent of the 3 year old commenting or engaging with the other parent?

Because your son was at the same side of the pool as the other children, so of course they’re going to approach the shared toys nearest them that belong to the pool To play with them

You do realise that when they are shared toys taking ownership of what sounds like five or six toys for an hour is not appropriate.

You can’t just take whatever you want and then hold onto them for as long as you want. That’s like taking three sun lounges using one of them and saying that the others are yours he couldn’t be playing with all of those toys at the same time. He collected a pile of shared toys and then played with them alternatively That’s not how shared things work

That’s like going to the gym and taking the 5 kg 7 kg 10 kg and 12 kg weights holding onto them all and using just the 5 kg planning to use the other ones later on in your workout That’s not how it works

Assuming there’s plenty for everyone, then keeping one or maybe two toys to himself for the hour would have been fine but taking 7+ toys and refusing to share any is selfish. There’s no way he could actively been playing with all of them the whole time.

If you’d looked around at the time, you’d have realised that they’d come to you because no one else gad allowed their child to take so many at once.

I’m sorry but you seem like the kind of parent who lets their kid stay on the swing (or whatever) for as long as the child wants, oblivious to the fact that dozens of other kids are waiting, because they’re ‘just having their turn’. Really selfish and self-absorbed.

I don't force my child to share if he's still playing with something but I will also teach him to look for opportunities to show kindness to others. So in that scenario I'd have said to your son this little boy would like a turn using a watering can, why don't we give one to him and then you can keep one so you can both play together.

It's our job to teach our kids to be assertive and stand up for themselves but it is also our job to teach them empathy and compassion. You only did half of the work.

If you let your child believe that it's OK for him to hoard communal toys while others go without you are setting him up for a fail when it comes to making friends, compromising and interacting with others.

It would have been different if there was only one thing available and your child was still using it. In that instance I'd have said its OK to say no as you're still using it, but the other child would like a turn so why don't you play for 5 more minutes and then we'll let someone else have a go. It was highly unreasonable for you to hoard communal toys leaving other kids without for over an hour. I'm not surprised the other parents called you out and tried to over ride you. It was also their job to try to stand up for their children.