To not make my son share?

[drearyllama]

I took my 3½-year-old to a toddler swim session today where they put loads of toys and floats out. We arrived at the start of the session and he chose 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float, then we went to the opposite end of the pool away from everyone else because he prefers independent play.

He played happily with those same toys for around 45 minutes. Another family then arrived and came to our end of the pool. Their older child repeatedly tried to take the watering can from my son, but he said, "No thank you, I'm playing," and held onto it. The child's adult moved him away the first time.

About 10 minutes later it happened again, but this time one of the adults came over and, while I was sitting right next to my son, told him that he had to share because he had two buckets. He again said,
"No thank you, I'm playing," but she took one of the buckets anyway and handed it to her child, saying,
"See, you have one now."

My little boy was upset because he'd been playing with those toys for nearly an hour. I didn't want to argue in front of the children, so I just reassured him and left it.

About 10-15 minutes later, the little boy came back again and tried to take another toy. This time my son shouted "No!" The lady came over, collected her child and said to the other adult, "Shall we get out?" The other lady replied, "Yes, because he's not sharing and she's not making him share."

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected. I also feel that if another parent had an issue, they should speak to me rather than taking something from my child.

I'm genuinely interested to know what others think.
Would you have said something, or would you have left it?

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected.

So not really sharing then? Keep playing for an hour and when you’re finished and don’t want it anymore, then let someone else have it? I get what you mean about not having to give something up straight away, but come on, he had them for an hour, that’s just selfish. He didn’t need two buckets surely, sharing would be giving one of them to the other child. And sounds like he had a LOT of toys, unnecessarily so YABU.

I think when i next go to the gym I'll take all the dumbells and kettle bells and all the resistance bands and go and sit in the corner for an hour

At school we have shared outside play equipment. There's obviously not enough for each child to have a piece of equipment. Our rule is that a child can only have 1 item of equipment. If there are children waiting to use equipment, then a child has 5-10 minutes with that piece of equipment, and then they are expected to hand it to a child that is waiting.

Your child was extremely lucky to have 3 pieces of equipment to play with for such a long time. As soon as another child wanted to use a piece of equipment, then you should have asked your son to hand a piece of equipment over. After all your son still would have had 2 pieces of equipment. You son needs to learn to share, the other child shouldn't have tried to take the equipment off your son and the other parent shouldn't have taken the equipment off your son.

Sharing is something children learn to do, but the earlier they grasp the concept, the easier it will be for them once they start school. At school your child will be expected to share school equipment.

Edit: I've just realised your child had a huge pile of equipment, not just 2-3 items!!!!!! Good God, on what planet do you think it's acceptable for your child to hoard that much, and not share!!!!!

7 pieces...

It's not really 'sharing and taking turns' when a child is allowed to keep things for as long as they like.

Because he had quite a large amount of toys/objects from what you are saying! Keeping 1-2 to himself, why not, but not more than that if there are other children wanting to play.

Next time I go to a buffet I am going to grab all the food as quick as I can and sit in the corner on my own. I’ll maybe give someone who hasn’t managed to get there before all the food has gone. But I will make sure I’m absolutely finished first.

You were really selfish and let your son down by not helping him learn how to behave in the world.

First you took far too many shared toys for your own child's use. This was your first opportunity to explain the toys were for everyone and he needed to be considerate (or if the pool was fairly empty at this point, to explain that he would have to give some up once other children arrived).

Then you allowed him to stockpile toys when another child clearly wanted to play with the shared toys. At this point you could have either said "sorry, X is playing with that bucket but you can have one of the other toys if you like?". Or "X is still playing with the bucket but you can have a turn in 5 minutes?".

I have a 3.5 year old too and it's infuriating when parents act like their child is the only one on the planet in this way. If you don't want to help him learn how to share appropriately, don't take him to places with toys or equipment provided for everyone's enjoyment. You can help him learn to advocate for himself without training him to be entitled, and without being unfair to other children.

People who are also rearing future unpopular adults?

I just realised it wasn't 2-3 items, but a mountain of items!!! The mind boggles why the OP thinks this amount is acceptable, without sharing!

Surely a reverse?

You have monopolised multiple toys in a shared session, ofc YABU

I don’t subscribe to the philosophy of taking a toy from a child they are actively using.

However, your child had at least 6 toys from the communal play equipment. That was more than is reasonable to take. You have a responsibility to teach him not to be greedy of shared resources. He can pick a couple of things and when he is done with them, swap them for something else.

Communal toys only work if no one hoards.

So ultimately, yes, you were unreasonable. Your child was not actively using that many toys and the toys did not belong to you.

Because he can’t play with all seven toys simultaneously and had them for an hour, therefore he should share no matter what end of the pool.

He likes to play independently because he doesn’t like sharing.

He wasn’t “targeted”, he had too many toys for one child.

You didn’t even know or care if other children had even one toy! Yet yours had seven?

As his mother you shouldn’t have let him take that many toys in the first place. You should have let him choose two and then swap for a couple more toys later on

Is your son an octopus, how many hands does he have to play with 2 buckets a watering can, a few small toys and a float at the same time? I would have let mine keep hold of the toy he was mainly playing with and let the other child take one, especially a bucket seems as your child had 2, why did he need 2?

Because it sounds as though he had way more toys than he should have and other children probably only had one item each??

Thanks for answering that! I was just about to ask the same question! I think you’re right.

Possibly because your kid had the most toys?
I don't think you were massively unreasonable, but if you could see that the other kid didn't have access to toys and your kid had more than his fair share, you should probably have intervened and negotiated with him to offer one of his two buckets.
We all have different parenting styles and values, and there is worth in not teaching your kid that they have to hand over everything to please others, but there are usually layers to situations and this could have gone better for everyone involved.

These were communal toys for the enjoyment of those using the pool, a more positive way of engaging with this situation would be to model inclusion and sharing with the other child. Being friendly and gracious are really great attributes to teach your child.

He had far more toys than he could possibly play with at one time. YABU.

You are an embarrassment! How can you not see that’s so selfish?

I would suggest two hands so two toys is plenty.

It's not about sharing it's about taking turns.

It sounds like you had tried to keep too many to yourselves.

So your son got first dibs, didn't want to play with the other toys (which the other child didn't want to either) and you didn't think it might be nice to take fair turns?

This has got to be a wind up surely? In a shared play session you cant seriously believe your kid is ok to grab a load of toys and hog them for the full hour? If they were his own thats one thing but shared toys for everyone?! Yabu and you know it

So because you clearly haven’t been brought up to be able to share, you’re now not teaching your child to share. Great. Another spoilt child in the world who doesn’t know how to behave and thinks they’re the main character and gives no thought for others.

You take one toy, fine, wouldn’t expect you to take it away from your child to give it to another child. Although, ideally your child would have a go with one toy, and then put it back for someone else to have a go, and they can pick another toy to play with- and repeat.
But to selfishly grab handfuls of toys (assisted by his parent!! 🤯) and then move off far away, hog them for over an hour when you know someone else would like to use it when your child has had a turn (which shouldn’t be for over an hour!) and then be a rude about it.
wow, the selfishness is unreal! Bring your own toys if you want to behave in such an ugly way