To not make my son share?

[drearyllama]

I took my 3½-year-old to a toddler swim session today where they put loads of toys and floats out. We arrived at the start of the session and he chose 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float, then we went to the opposite end of the pool away from everyone else because he prefers independent play.

He played happily with those same toys for around 45 minutes. Another family then arrived and came to our end of the pool. Their older child repeatedly tried to take the watering can from my son, but he said, "No thank you, I'm playing," and held onto it. The child's adult moved him away the first time.

About 10 minutes later it happened again, but this time one of the adults came over and, while I was sitting right next to my son, told him that he had to share because he had two buckets. He again said,
"No thank you, I'm playing," but she took one of the buckets anyway and handed it to her child, saying,
"See, you have one now."

My little boy was upset because he'd been playing with those toys for nearly an hour. I didn't want to argue in front of the children, so I just reassured him and left it.

About 10-15 minutes later, the little boy came back again and tried to take another toy. This time my son shouted "No!" The lady came over, collected her child and said to the other adult, "Shall we get out?" The other lady replied, "Yes, because he's not sharing and she's not making him share."

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected. I also feel that if another parent had an issue, they should speak to me rather than taking something from my child.

I'm genuinely interested to know what others think.
Would you have said something, or would you have left it?

I'm assuming because he had taken lots of toys for himself and refused to share. Most parents would only allow their child to take one or two toys at a time. Your child had taken at least 6 toys (assuming that he only took two of the small toys so he may have taken even more).

It's a lot of toys for one child if there aren't others available. Since they were communal toys the reasonableness of your response depends, to me, on whether or not others were available. And I think that's on you to monitor when you've taken such a hefty whack.

I absolutely disagree with the idea that a child has to give up what they are playing with just because another child wants that particular item. I think children should be able to get engrossed in playing with what they have without having that interrupted because another child has FOMO. And it's far more important for the other child to learn to redirect their interest to something that's available than it is for the playing child to learn to give up what they are engrossed in. But that's very different from not giving part of what you have up if you are using more than a fair amount of a communal resource.

He didn’t need two buckets and if he was playing with allll those toys at once then he must have hands like shovels.

No child needs all of those toys for an hour.

When there's a limited number of shared toys or resources then you have to take turns.
Doesn't matter if you're at a toddler swim session or the gym.

If one kid has two buckets and the other has none, then the adults need to step in and redistribute so they have one each.

If my child had been playing with a watering can for 45 minutes and another child wanted a turn, then I would have helped them share.
45 minutes is more than enough of a turn on a shared toy.

Here was an ideal opportunity for You to teach Your child to share. Sadly..

I totally agree with you that children should not have to give up toys straight away, and I always encourage "please can I have it after you?". No child should expect to get what they want straight away. However, once they know someone else is waiting, children need to be taught to be considerate and bring their turn to a natural end soon (within the next 5-10 minutes is reasonable).

The toys were shared resources, they did not belong to your son. Therefore it wasn't appropriate for him to hog them for so long, especially as he knew someone else was waiting. It's not his fault, he's too young to understand this. As his parent, you should be teaching him to share equipment that is but his fairly and consider the needs of other children.

The other parent was wrong to take it from him, but I can totally understand why she was annoyed. Your son had lots of toys and you, as his grown up, were enabling him to exhibit selfish behaviour by not encouraging him to share any of it with other children who had asked for a turn.

Your really need to modify your viewpoint on turn taking with sharing resources, otherwise your son is going to find it incredibly hard to share at nursery and school. No way is he going to be allowed hour long turns with equipment in there. You are setting him up for major issues in the future if you don't teach him to take turns with other children.

You are being very very unreasonable (to the point where I'm thinking this is probably a wind up).

I struggle to believe this isn’t just rage bait tbh, but no you can’t just hoarde loads of toys for an hour. Massively unreasonable.

Also with my kids in these sorts of scenarios if another child comes to try and take something they can say no if still playing the first time, but then we’ll say ‘okay that child wants a turn, so finish up and we’ll pass it over’ - rather than ‘screw you other kid mine can have it as long as he likes’

Unless your son is an octopus then yes you're unreasonable and raising your child to be selfish. He chose a lot of toys for one child. You could of limited his choice to two toys and told him he could swap when he's finished.

You'd let him play with multiple toys whilst the other child had none, not sure what message you're giving your child, sounds like you're teaching him to be selfish. I think you should take your own toys to the pool since he needs so many. Yes you're unreasonable.

Because nobody else's child probably had that many toys 🙄 you need to teach your child to share.

Yeah, you are meant to model the kind of behaviors you want your child to show. If it was their personal toys fair enough, but they were shared toys for all the children there.

The fact you think your child is picked on and singled out is very telling.

I’m not sure I agree with your version of sharing to be honest. Sharing isn’t playing with something as long as you want and then letting someone else have it when you no longer want it. I would have found it hard if you were at a pool as I always tell my children they need to wait their turn but with you there wouldn’t have been a turn for them to have.

You are a lovely teaching your DC not to share communal toys. If he wants to hog lots of toys he needs to bring his own.

i think YABU that he can keep toy for as long as he wants. When other children are wanting to play , you let him have 5 or 10 mins and then say ‘shall we let this boy have a turn now”
Learning to share, wait your turn, think about the feelings of others- all important lessons.

If he had two buckets I would have encouraged him to share. The other mum sounds like a dick though, she should have spoken to you directly and not made sassy comments to your child in front of you.

I would have said something and it would have been more blunt than the other parents. This is lazy and entitled parenting at its best. You really aren’t helping him

He's had them over a hour that's more than a his turn . You're raising a spilt entitled brat. It's just rude op different if your child hadnt had a fair play . Your also obviously very entitled.

Quite. I pity their peers and teacher when they go to school

If you're not understanding why this isn't acceptable there's very little anyone here can say to change your mind. But taking that many toys is completely greedy and unacceptable. If your child had 7 or 8 toys then the pool would have needed say 160 toys if 20 children turned up which shows how ridiculous it is. Good on that other mum I say for teaching your son to share. You clearly aren't.

Seriously???? You will be raising a very selfish child if that’s your attitude!!!

My goodness, I can’t believe you have to ask this. I can’t imagine there were enough toys for everyone to have the equivalent of 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float. If there wasn’t you took more than your fair share and are teaching your child to be greedy. He had more than he needed while others didn’t have enough. Is this honestly what you want to teach your child? He wasn’t actively playing with all of those toys all at once.

He's also not going to make any friends or learn any positive social skills if your allowing him to think this kind of behaviour is appropriate.

How do you know they weren't if you don't know if they had toys.
You went to a toddler play session and hogged toys for an hour.

Of course he should share.
If you want your own toys go in when is public swimming and take your own. But communal toys are just that.

I'm stunned you need to ask on here!
What will he be like when he's older?

OMG @drearyllama you are not helping your dc develop good social skills. Shameless to walk off with an armful of toys and hog them for an hour. Jeeeee

They can be engrossed in the playroom by themselves not in company, it's anti social from a certain age.