To not make my son share?

[drearyllama]

I took my 3½-year-old to a toddler swim session today where they put loads of toys and floats out. We arrived at the start of the session and he chose 2 buckets, a watering can, a few small toys and a float, then we went to the opposite end of the pool away from everyone else because he prefers independent play.

He played happily with those same toys for around 45 minutes. Another family then arrived and came to our end of the pool. Their older child repeatedly tried to take the watering can from my son, but he said, "No thank you, I'm playing," and held onto it. The child's adult moved him away the first time.

About 10 minutes later it happened again, but this time one of the adults came over and, while I was sitting right next to my son, told him that he had to share because he had two buckets. He again said,
"No thank you, I'm playing," but she took one of the buckets anyway and handed it to her child, saying,
"See, you have one now."

My little boy was upset because he'd been playing with those toys for nearly an hour. I didn't want to argue in front of the children, so I just reassured him and left it.

About 10-15 minutes later, the little boy came back again and tried to take another toy. This time my son shouted "No!" The lady came over, collected her child and said to the other adult, "Shall we get out?" The other lady replied, "Yes, because he's not sharing and she's not making him share."

We absolutely teach our children to share, but our rule is that if they're still actively playing with something, they can finish their turn first. Once they're done, sharing is expected. I also feel that if another parent had an issue, they should speak to me rather than taking something from my child.

I'm genuinely interested to know what others think.
Would you have said something, or would you have left it?

You let him play with one item ,then he puts it back and gets another..so other children can also play with things.
He can't possibly play with everything you described at the same time
You were massively unreasonable

At home I have a policy of encouraging the child that wants the toy to ask for a turn, but they have to respect it and wait if it’s a no (and that can last all day or however long they’re playing with to). This encourages them to verbalise their desire for a toy and turn taking without adult mediation. In the park/softplay/any shared environment, communal toys operate on a “fast turns” principle. Again you have to ask for a turn but I encourage the child with the toy to consider others and if necessary I limit the time with the toy. I hate the whole “caring is sharing” nonsense and enforced sharing that is adult mediated. Let them figure it out (largely), explain the difference between fast and slow turn environments and (try to) ignore the comments that invariably come your way whenever you do anything as a mum :)

@drearyllama You clearly lack empathy and social skills so I feel sorry for your son. Who's going to teach him how to behave in society? I feel sorry for his future teachers tbh.

This. OP you allowed your son to take way too many of the toys he can't have been playing with all those at once the while time!!

And absolutely he did not need two buckets while another child had none. Did you not feel quite selfish 😳

At a rough count, your son had at least seven toys. If there weren't enough for every child in the pool to have seven, then yes, YABU and modelling terrible selfish behaviour to your child.

It depends if there was other toys available to the other children, if there was plenty left YANBU, but if there wasn’t then YABU! I agree that children should finish their turn and not be too quick to give stuff up when asked (I was always a bit of a pushover as a child). But perhaps having the amount of toys for the length of time you were there wasn’t ideal. I would have told mine to share for sure!

how would your son have reacted if say when you got there and all the toys were taken?

at the end of the day they aren’t your belongings, if you had taken your own it would be different!

We absolutely do "insist" as adults that other adults share. Have you never seen the threads about people hogging seats on the bus/train by putting bags on it? Other commuters will insist they move the bag.

And no, I don't share my phone. Because it's mine. I might let someone use it in an emergency, but id be wary that it might be a scam.

Give over op. A 3 year old can’t ‘actively play’ with that many toys at once unless he has around 6 arms. So you were hoarding toys for him. I’d have taken them too. What a twat

I imagine because your son had so many toys, for so long, that it seemed reasonable that he share.

I think you don't fully get the concept of sharing - it doesn't mean taking everything you want and letting others have them only when you don't want them anymore.

He will be unpopular in nursery and school if he continues to hoard shared toys like this, so you need to teach how to actually share. I'm sure you can find resources online on how to encourage sharing, empathy etc in kids.

Because your son had not just one but TWO buckets and multiple other toys!

Actually a bit flabbergasted OP that you didnt see how inappropriate your behaviour was. Sounds like the other mum was calmly sending you a message there about how you should have been behaving.

Im sorry to ask this but are you quite young? You sound it

You're the problem here. That was a lot of toys that you hogged for an hour! Absolutely entitled behaviour from you, and you're modelling or to your Son. Good luck when he's 15.

The title of your whole thread is ‘to not make my son share’ so a bit late to backtrack and try to pretend you do share. But obviously only when you’ve finished. Which isn’t sharing.

I'm very much of the opinion that it's not ok to force children to 'share' as it usually means making them stop playing with something so another child can have it instead BUT this sounds like you took an excessive numbers of toys to have sole use of throughout the session. It might have been better to take a more moderate number and then swap them over later.

Yes you were both selfish and unreasonable. You are not doing your son any favours by this kind of parenting

OP come on. Your kid had like six toys. That is beyond greedy and he doesn’t need them all. Yeah the kid shoukd have asked nicely but you have no leg to stand on - you didnt think of others so they don’t either.

In a shared environment you pick a few and then rotate them around. YABU

You took too many toys. They are there for all the kids. You take one, then when they've had enough of that one you can swap it for another.

You often wonder how children become selfish and unsociable but your post clearly demonstrates how you are encouraging your child to be just that. And you don't even recognise thd damage you are doing.

If they were your own toys, fine. But shared toys YABU. I mean whay do you don't you go to a play group that has limited wiggle cars or trikes? Just let your child use them the whole session if they fancy? The etiquette to shared toys is similar to swings in the playground. Your kid jas a turn for a reasonable amount of time (minutes, not hours!) and then you let another child have a go. Alternatively, you can encourage children to play together and take short turns back and forth. But if every parent let their kids play as long as they like before sharing, then very little sharing would ever get done. As I say, this applies to shared toys and facilities, anything that's yours is completely optional for sharing. I'd take your on toys next time.

So potentially there were no similar toys left, your son had loads, and you didn’t ask him to share? YABU.

I agree with your take on sharing, ie only sharing when finished your turn, but your son had far too many toys that were meant for all the kids and was hogging them all for too long, YABU

Arriving at the start of the session and then taking a bunch of toys to play with alone for over an hour is bad form unless there were enough toys for everyone to have done the same. Just because you get there early doesn’t mean it’s yours for the taking.

I would probably have said at the start 'you can take lots to play with while it's quiet, but if more people come, we'll have to let them have a turn'.

Managing expectations reduces the drama and reminds children that they can make the most of having lots of toys if that's not depriving anyone else, but they are aware that things may change and it's important to be considerate.

Teaching a child that they don't have to share communal resources is not going to serve them well in life.

Incidentally, I was once at a park where kids were having a party and they had a pinata. The sweets all spilled out, they all ran forward and grabbed handfuls, then they sat in a circle, put all the sweets in the middle and shared them all out, with the birthday child getting double picks as they all went round. All organised by the kids without any intervention from the adults - I was very impressed! That's the kind of attitude towards sharing I aspire to for my kids.

Your child hogged the items for an hour - good socialisation would involve your child taking items - giving some back to the 'pot' then taking some different ones.

They can say 'I'm using this right now.. you can have it when I'm done' then - give the item over a few minutes later - having more items than hands at that age is a bit greedy.

Because he had multiple toys on his own for ages? YABU to let your son hog multiple toys for such a long time. Letting him hang on to one toy would probably have been acceptable but not multiple

Agreed