AIBU to feel unable to cope with being seen naked?

[Satel]

I'll start by saying that I'm almost 21 and not a mother, but I can't imagine that I'll receive serious and relevant responses elsewhere on the internet. For the longest time, I have been deeply ashamed of being seen naked by anyone. I thought that I would "grow out of it", but that hasn't happened. I have been having a medical problem for at least a year that I will probably be referred to a gynaecologist for, but I have been ignoring it because I'm terrified that they're going to ask to do an internal exam (which is the main point of this thread). Other women that I know do not have this fear/embarrassment of being seen naked/examined and are quite uninhibited compared to me. The only friend that I've shared this with has even said that I'm overreacting.

I have no history of SA or anything like that. I think that all of this stems from my parents' attitudes whilst I was growing up. We're a religious (Catholic) family, and my mum made it clear that it is shameful and morally wrong for anyone to see your genitals. She would often talk negatively about women that she viewed as promiscuous (pregnant before marriage, on birth control, wearing certain clothing, etc.). Whilst I no longer live at home, I feel that my upbringing has stuck with me. My boyfriend and I are abstinent until marriage, but I imagine that this will also be an issue that I will need to overcome before then.

I think you are vastly overestimating how much the rest of us like anyone seeing us naked. I hate going to the obgyn. I am very conscious of it, it's very very personal. But part of maturing is realising that we have to do stuff we don't like. This is your health. Any shame and embarrassment has to come second. You just have to grit your teeth and go.

Intimacy with a partner is probably a harder thing to overcome in your situation, in my view. You should probably get some therapy now as, even though you are postponing things until marriage, it's not a happy way to spend your life.

And don't blame all this on your parents. They did the best they could, nobody is perfect. Your mum was raised that way, she didn't know any better either. At some point, you become an adult and have to take responsibility for yourself. Blaming your mother only goes so far.

I don't think what you are describing is uncommon, especially in some cultures/upbringing. It is however something that could have a negative affect on your life so probably worth doing something about? Perhaps look online, there may be suggestions on how to work through this by yourself, or an appointment with a female gp? Sorry, not much help, but there will be ways to overcome this.

A huge well done for posting Op! You have taken an important step in doing so.
I agree with others that you should seek some counselling for this. You must put your health first and have the procedure done.
I’ve had examinations and procedures after a usual smear test. The staff were really lovely and professional- definitely tell them how you feel and they will help you. Good luck!

You are really not helping.
So what if the OP is probably looking ‘better’ than 90% of bodies ! This attitude only reinforces the idea that some bodies are better than others and that the other 10% SHOULD be embarrassed. We are more than our dress size.

I’m 38, have 4 children and had to be sedated to have a colposcopy twice. I cannot cope with it. In fact it was so awful, that the nurse last time thought I’d been sexually assaulted and had trauma from that. I haven’t, I just really really can’t deal with being seen naked (genitals, I understand I’m not fully naked). I also have to have gas and air for a smear test.

What I did learn the second time round is that I was perfectly within my rights to ask for any adjustments that make me comfortable. There was a specialist nurse at my latest smear, who deals with trauma and was just lovely about the whole thing. She initially set me yo
for an appointment to just talk through what was worrying me and what she could do etc and then I went back for the smear on a second appt, but she said I could have as many “chats” as I felt I needed before having it done, there was no judgement or pressure from her.

Have a call with your GP surgery and see if they can offer something similar, it was so
worth it.

Having people witnessing you giving birth is a horrible experience too. The old "when you giving birth, you won't care" is utter bollocks. Some of us DO care.

Yes admittedly each time I have insisted on keeping a black mini skirt on during labour, to help feel more comfortable.I hate being uncovered! Think the midwives thought i would cave and remove it and not care during the last stages but I never did!

Get some therapy. It's good to talk. In the meantime you might identify with this: https://www.vice.com/en/article/irish-nudity-sex/

@dh280125 Thanks for that, it is absolutely fascinating.

I was born in the 60's in a remote area of rural Ireland and I can really relate to that article.

We didn't get a TV or indoor running water/shower until the mid 70s. Up to that point we probably had one bath a year and that was reused for several children!

On a slightly related note it was probably the early 80s before I ever saw a woman (discreetly) breastfeeding a baby. Obviously it was a tourist because it wasn't something any local women partook in as far as I was aware.

I mean this quite kindly but honestly I think you are storing up problems for your future marriage.

The medical side of things has been explained and it's sensitively done and need not being scary.

But your relationship is not going to be a success unless you are totally comfortable with each other. That is what good marriage is. Not having sex before marriage is a bit unusual these days.

Personally I think not doing so is a mistake but regardless of whether you do or don't you and your partner can't do the "in sickness and in health" stuff without being comfortable physically with each other.

How you doing it is up to you but, as an idea, how about spending an evening naked together eating and watching TV. Talking about it first obviously. You need to do something to break this hang up!

I came across it in Kate Lister's excellent new book, FLICK: The Story of Female Pleasure. Well worth a read. https://amzn.to/3S0Aizg

I'm neither catholic or female, so I may be way off base here, so feel free to utterly disregard what I'm about to say!

But have you talked to your boyfriend about this? And would he be willing to help you? To me, the problem seems to be that you're coupling nudity with sex, and you've been brought up to see sex as shameful unless your married.

I'm not going to get involved in the whole sex before marriage thing, but that seems like it's not necessarily a problem, as you're both fine with waiting anyway.

But the nudity thing can be a problem, because there are situations where you may need someone other than your future husband to see your genitals.

So, can you take baby steps with your boyfriend towards nudity, while still being abstinant? Most of the time me and DP are naked around each other, sex isn't involved in any way shape of form. It's just because one of us has gotten out of the shower, or is getting changed or ready for bed.

So if he's less bothered about nudity than you, ask him to just sit around with no clothes on while you watch TV together. And then if that goes well, you take steps to do the same, start with a swimming costume or something and progress from there.

I’m not your age nor your religion, but I do feel a reluctance to expose such private parts of my body. The way I get over it is to think of medical personal as a specific category of people who - frankly - see genitals day in, day out. That goes double for gynaecologists and midwives! So I tell myself that contrary to how I feel, for them it’s really just nothing special at all, it’s just their job. That helps me put it in a less embarrassing category and treat it in quite a business like way.

Well your parents have really done a number on you. What a shame. Sex is fantastic and enjoyable and you need some help unpicking these feelings or you’re really going to struggle when you do get married.

So sorry your going through this. Perhaps consider counselling, as it seems there's a lot to work through. If a phobia/aversion, call it what you will, is interfering with medical treatment that's serious.
What's driving the abstinence before mariage too? Your free will? Or guilt?