AIBU to feel unable to cope with being seen naked?

[Satel]

I'll start by saying that I'm almost 21 and not a mother, but I can't imagine that I'll receive serious and relevant responses elsewhere on the internet. For the longest time, I have been deeply ashamed of being seen naked by anyone. I thought that I would "grow out of it", but that hasn't happened. I have been having a medical problem for at least a year that I will probably be referred to a gynaecologist for, but I have been ignoring it because I'm terrified that they're going to ask to do an internal exam (which is the main point of this thread). Other women that I know do not have this fear/embarrassment of being seen naked/examined and are quite uninhibited compared to me. The only friend that I've shared this with has even said that I'm overreacting.

I have no history of SA or anything like that. I think that all of this stems from my parents' attitudes whilst I was growing up. We're a religious (Catholic) family, and my mum made it clear that it is shameful and morally wrong for anyone to see your genitals. She would often talk negatively about women that she viewed as promiscuous (pregnant before marriage, on birth control, wearing certain clothing, etc.). Whilst I no longer live at home, I feel that my upbringing has stuck with me. My boyfriend and I are abstinent until marriage, but I imagine that this will also be an issue that I will need to overcome before then.

A PP has already mentioned this, but your mum is a hypocrite, OP. She surely hasn't remained covered from head to toe for her entire life. As a mum myself, it really bothers me when parents burden their children with their own beliefs and often unrealistic expectations.

Are you abstinent until marriage because if a choice that you have made, for your faith and for yourself? Or is it because of the fear you have of being seen, or having anyone touching that area?

I promise you have nothing of any interest to them other than medical if it helps. They just don't care, they just want to see if you're poorly.

A bit like midwives, they just want to concentrate on a safe birth. They don't stand there pointing and saying 'oooh, a vagina!'. It's literally nothing to medical professionals, you may as well have gone in with a broken toe.

It's something you've got to try and overcome in a medical setting to stay healthy.

You're equating it to sex. There is nothing sexual about medical examinations! Need to find a way to separate them in your mind :-)

How do you feel about having sex with your future husband and him seeing you naked?
If it feels scary or shameful then maybe you should see a psychosexual therapist before getting married.

I think it's unhelpful to state that you are always covered with a sheet- for example, at my village doctors I've had smear tests where I am naked from the waist down with no sheet. It was only me and the female nurse in the room.

However I am certain they would provide a sheet, if I asked for one beforehand. It's one of those things where it's no fun but the medical person sees people's private areas day in day out and won't give a single shit, and once you've got that first time out of the way, it gets a lot easier. You can inform them of anxieties beforehand and they should be understanding.

Also, OP, it's as good a time as any to get in touch with yourself in a fun way, as well as for medical stuff. Your body is amazing, and it's all yours. Your entire adult life will be richer for embracing your body.

Masturbating or sex is wonderful, totally normal.and natural, and something we can enjoy hugely. I hope you can get to the point of losing the generationally inflicted shame, because we are a long time dead , and that shame is actively damaging. Therapy all the way ❤️

I know people mean to be helpful when they say that the medical people will have seen everything before, that they won't care, that it's nothing to them, etc etc but that can come across as dismissive. It's the OP who hasn't experienced this before, and has concerns about it, it doesn't matter what the HCPs experiences are - that's not relevant.

It's a combination of both. I'm abstinent primarily because of my faith, but it's also nice to not have to worry about it for a little longer. Honestly, I would probably be very anxious and panicked right now if we were already engaged to be married.

Yes , why does this sort of stuff not bother men?!

I feel nervous. I do have some excitement and desire at times, but I always end up feeling ashamed, guilty, and dirty for even desiring it. I mostly (95% of the time) try to avoid thinking about it.

It is completely natural to want sex!

I had similar from my dad OP, who was a devout roman catholic.He was very private, prudish and judgemental about certain types of clothing etc and anything sexual.I was very self conscious about my body as a teenager.I have overcome alot of it as i've got older (38 now) I think motherhood has helped with having 3 babies and all the necessary interventions and examinations 'down there') ive just pushed myself to get on with it as know it's important for baby's health aswell as mine.However if you are so overcome by the fear of a genital exam that it puts your health at risk, i think you definitely need to get some help with that.

I would say that the only thing i still have what some would say is an issue with, is sex.I dislike getting naked and my body being touched, and that has actually got worse as ive got older (maybe not helped by changes caused by weight gain, although I don't really have self esteem/body image issues in general, just don't like exposing it) i have ALWAYS had sex in the dark too.

Have you not been due to have any smear tests yet? As they are obviously very important to attend!

Medical professional here. I can assure you when we examine a vulva/vagina we see it as any other body part, such as a nose or mouth. They are simply part of a body system to us. If you explain in the consultation that you are nervous, we do understand. We even feel a bit nervous sometimes getting our bits out, it's human to feel that way.
As others have said, some counselling would be good to help you overall around these issues. But ultimately, no health professional will be upset with you for being nervous.

Op you understand your mother’s views are nothing about Catholicism and everything to do with her own issues ? It would seem you need therapy to move past and understand her issues and why you should not feel shame for being normal rather than live this way.

please don’t avoid the doctors, you can request a female doctor. And also a chaperone, no one will see you naked, we all have the same body parts they are not shameful.

I know plenty of men with body hangups about various aspects of themselves. They don't tend to be very open about it as a rule since it's more socially 'normal' for women to be insecure.

OP I think you would benefit from some talking therapy about this as its not healthy to avoid medical care. It is likely to make your future sex life within marriage difficult as well which would be a great shame as it can be a great joy in a loving partnership. A good therapist will be able to talk you through these feelings while being respectful of your faith.

Thank you for the advice! It’s nice to hear from others who had been in similar circumstances and can relate.

No, I’ve never had a smear test.

Most women I know hate, many with a passion, to have to go through these kind of medical exams.
I couldn't care less if it's done by a man and a woman, it's not pleasant.

Having people witnessing you giving birth is a horrible experience too. The old "when you giving birth, you won't care" is utter bollocks. Some of us DO care.

So you are not alone or over-reacting, but it's just one of these things you grin and bear and get on with it. It gets marginally easier the more you have.

If you get a bikini wax, your therapist will see everything too, most don't really cover anything even if you only get a bikini trim and not a full hollywood

There is a well known term for struggling after being given negative ideas about sex/desire etc due to a religious upbringing, it’s religious trauma. There’s a lot of info online, videos on you tube, books etc.. Might be worth having a look. I think it would really help to get some counselling from someone with experience in this area, to help both with your feelings about your genitals and also sex. If someone has spent a lifetime being told sex is sinful, this doesn’t just dissipate because you get married. Therapy can really help with this. It’s totally possible to be religious and feel ok about sex.

Obviously we can all tell you it’ll be fine, there’s nothing to worry about etc. but this sounds deep rooted and potentially problematic for your health (in the short term) and your relationship(in the longer term). Can you afford therapy? If not I would go to the GP and get the ball rolling.

I think it’s very normal to feel shy about your naked body in front of strangers.

It definitely gets easier as you get older and are more used to showing your body.

The only reason I don’t care about having smear tests etc is because I’ve had children and I’m used to people seeing down there.

I’ve never had a mammogram though and so I’ll likely be a bit shy about having my boobs felt the first time by a complete stranger.

My only advice is that the doctors have honestly seen it all before.
They really don’t care about your genitals and so any anxiety will all be in your own head.

I’m not sure if you watch porn but many of those women have had surgery and so I hope you’re not comparing your body to theirs.

I can categorically tell you that as such a young women that hasn’t had children, your body will be in much better condition that 90% of the patients that they see.
So you honestly have nothing to be embarrassed about.

I would make an appointment with a female doctor and explain straight away that you have a lot of anxiety.

Please let us know how you get on 💐

The Op isn’t embarrassed, she’s been conditioned into feeling shame by her parents. I really wish people would stop with the “doctors have seen it all before” comments, it’s not about the doctor and what they feel it’s about the person like the OP and how she feels. We all work on the assumption that HCPs are going to be professional and reasonably caring.

Oh you really don't understand at all.

I would definitely recommend seeking some therapy input. If you need medical investigation on a shorter timeframe, GPs can also prescribe mild sedatives which can help people tolerate assessments and procedures that otherwise would cause too much distress.

I'm sorry your upbringing has had this impact on you. This shame and embarrassment is not yours to bear.

I was brought up RC, went to an all girls convent school, Mass every Sunday, etc. Luckily for me my mum wasn't like yours, she taught us (6 kids) about our bodies, how we were different, and how certain parts are private, but never to be ashamed. She was actually quite body positive about the amazing things our bodies do, like having babies.

I'm so sorry that you were given such a negative view of your body. It sounds like you are still faithful since you're practising abstience, is that correct? Can your faith help you with your fears?

You must know that you don't need to feel shame or fear about getting medical help (you wouldn't want someone else to suffer if they were in your situation). All of us get shy or self concious in these situations, that's a normal reaction. You can talk it through with medical staff (i needed a little pep-talk for my first smear so i knew what was going to happen). The doctors will understand, they help people who are nervous all the time. They will be kind and they won't make you feel bad, you can also ask for someone (a friend or another member of staff) to be with you during the procedure.

That excitement and desire that you feel sometimes is good, because you're a good person and there are things in life that we are supposed to enjoy - they are gifts. The shame that invades your feelings belongs to someone else, it's not yours and it's time to hand it back.