To stay in my marriage for money

[nothingcancompare]

I’m aware that that’s an inflammatory thread title bur u guess that is what it boils down to. So to give a bit more detail.

DH and I have two children ; DD is 5 and in reception and our ds is nearly three. I work two and a half days a week, and it’s in a school so off for school holidays.

Before we had children I thought we’d roughly be equal parents. This has not been thr case at all. DH definitely sees anything he does do with the children as a sort of optional extra rather than what has to be done, and everything is left to me. I can count the times he’s had them both together on one hand: that isn’t an exaggeration. Even if he does do something I have to prep everything, so for example he takes DD to school on Friday and collects her as I’m at work, but I have to dress her, give her breakfast, clean teeth, pack bag etc.

As a result the children just gravitate more and more to me. Even if he does do something he just creates more work for me, so if I go out for a couple of hours the house is trashed when I get back, he doesn’t cook for them

Obviously I’ve tried to address it with him, he just goes on the defensive and hones in on a particular occasion (yeah well they started fighting so …) or just whines generally which I hate and is difficult to answer. So now five and a half years down the line I do have to accept this is how things are.

I don’t get a break at all. I get up when the children do, tend to then through the day and night in one case and am responsible for their diet, activities and getting them to said activities and everything. Seven days a week, it’s relentless and I’m already dreading the long school holidays.

So here is where the title is relevant. Truthfully I’ve lost a lot of respect for DH and I’ve come to realise that while he’s basically a kind man he’s also selfish and lazy.

Ending the marriage is one possibility but I’m not sure when I think about it that it would help anything. Yes, I wouldn’t have resentment but the children would be upset and their lives overturned (new schools and nurseries, new home, etc.)

Or if I stay as I am. I have one more year to get through and then when both children are in school I will have a couple of days a week for me. Otherwise, I’d have to be full time and I’m not sure I can take working full time in term time and then switching to full time childcare in holidays.

I know it’s awful and I don’t consider myself a mercenary person but I have to also think about what’s realistic in terms of my mental health and family stability

JI’m actually starting to wonder if some posters are just a bit slow and don’t understand the topic of the thread.

I’d probably feel quite similar to how I already feel @saddlewells , which is that I’ve been royally taken advantage of.

You, whether you like it or not are responsible for creating this scenario

This so called husband and father is nothing of the sort - he’s not working as a team to raise his children and doesn’t seem to parent them in any way!

Why on earth can you not both get a lie in on a weekend? Him Saturday - you Sunday?

Why can’t he cook three nights a week?

He can easily do the above things but he isn’t because he simply doesn’t have to!

You allow him to be lazy - I mean is he going to launch a violent assault on you if you sit him down and tell him that you need him to pull his weight? If you refuse to get out of bed on Sunday morning what will he do to you?

Start pushing back and stop being a pushover!

Young children doesn’t equal time off. They are hard work, but it passes.

None of us know your husband. But you say that there is kindness in the way you are together - him being dismissive of very simple childcare tasks is not kind. He sounds horrible and like he doesn't see the kids as his responsibility at all. If you said that unless it changes, you will divorce, what do you think his reaction would be (because I couldn't guess it from the things you have said about him).

Do you wash his clothes, make him meals, buy food he wants in the shopping, do any life admin for his side of the family? Would stopping any of that help with freeing up time or reducing resentment?
would you consider splitting the weekend so you go out and leave him to it either Saturday or Sunday? Ideally Saturday so kids can get back into routine on Sunday?

Having read her post, I don't actually think she's using him for money. She's knackered because he's a useless arse and she's trying to think of ways to work around that so she doesn't die early of stress and overwork.

Anyway, we could go round this all day.

So to sum up the thread.

1. life is easy, you lazy bitch.
2. your husband will leave you anyway
3. he will definitely want 50/50 when he does (I fucking wish!!)
4. get a cleaner (I swear MN thinks cleaners will solve any problems at all. They don’t and can create several.)

Thanks all 😂

You have some real issues with yourself, first of all. Not sure what ugly has to do with career progression. And you can't be that old if your oldest is only 5. Maybe your DH is only part of the issue. You are ultimately responsible for your life and happiness, not him. You are blaming him for everything wrong in your life. Put the toddler an extra day in nursery and sort yourself out.

Well , no. I mean I’m still washing clothes even if not his; I’m still making food even if he doesn’t eat it, you see?

Here’s what I would do & have done.

Walk out of the house one Saturday morning & dont come back until 9pm. Send DH a text saying you have reached your limit, that you will be back at 9. As he won’t give you a break you need to take it with two hands. Leave enough food, nappies etc. Then tell him that he needs to keep both kids fed and safe for 13 hours because he is their father.

Go to a spa or whatever just get out of there. And then make it clear to DH it will be a regular thing, much like whatever he does.

Tell him you’re thinking of leaving him he will threaten you with 5050 you say great let’s start that now see how we get on and our marriage might be saved

Why shouldn’t she do these things when she had more free time? Her husband provides financially and works long hours.

Yes I understand that you still wash clothes for you and the kids as well as cook but would you feel less annoyed if you at least didn't do it for him so that he'd have to do it himself?

What exactly is it that you want OP?

To be fair that is a minority of posters. The Tradwife/fanboy included.

There are some really thoughtful responses here.

That would be very petty!!!

It wouldn't give you any more free time but it might ease resentment? It might make him realise how much you do for him? Possibly

He only works
She works and does all childcare and housework.
He definitely has the easier role

Give yourself a breather and book the kids in for one or two half day sessions every week in a nursery and kids club. This will give you the break you need. They will be tired the next day too. It will give you a chance to think about what you want to do. I hope you find a way to be happier. 💐

Edit I forgot to say in the holidays! But maybe put the little one in term time too if you can afford to.

She doesn't have any free time. Her husband has a long lie both days every weekend etc

Only because she lets him.

I mean, it's a bit weird to criticise someone for having it soooooo easy by demonstrating how easy you have it yourself.

Yeah, I'm sure a lot of us would find it a doddle not working, or as you put it "someone else pays all the bills" with just one 2 year old at home.

That was really unnecessarily bitchy comment about Motherhood not being for the OP.

I think you need to skip to the end OP: you will be getting divorced based on your answers and defensiveness. Unless you’re particularly wealthy (doesn’t sound like you are), your DH will push for 50/50 custody - since this means he doesn’t owe you any maintenance. Ask a divorce lawyer how many men go for 50/50 custody, they will tell you most. The more important overarching issue is what is your plan? You’ve explained why it won’t work, what will work?

In that case OP, I think you should stick to the plan. If the resentment recedes once you have a bit of a break, great. If not, you’ll have to think again. And if he talks about you needing to work full time now that you have ALL this free time, give him both barrels!!!

I could have written your post OP. My kids are older now but the younger years were eye opening and I was so…disappointed in him. There were no signs beforehand that he wouldn’t step up and parent his own kids, I truly felt let down by him. He’s a really ‘family guy’ too - close to parents, cousins etc.

The good news is that he got much better with age, and in time, he became more sympathetic to me as well. I did reach a point where I said ‘no more’. You can’t just watch me suffer and burn out, then say sorry and just carry on. That’s not love.

To get through the bit you’re in now, I reduced work to 2 days per week (full days with wraparound childcare), told him to put more money in the joint account, and then I planned every day and every weekend as if he didn’t exist. It took the stress right off. Fun with friends with similar aged kids. I let him miss us - which he did. And slowly things changed. But I promised myself to love those kids, treat them how I always wanted to parent them, make the most of things. We had such fun as a gang of 3. It truly was his loss, and I have great memories of those years and no regrets.